So, I've been looking for support groups having finally discovered what to call myself. I mean, I don't like labels, but it was necessary to find info. This place seemed pretty nice, so I'm here!
Um, I just finished high school, and I was born a girl (still am one...) and well.... I've dressed in guys clothing since I was a little girl. I remember telling my parents I wished I'd been born a boy and them disapproving completely (which is why I will most likely never tell them my situation.) I attempted to be more girly in middle school but I felt like a guy who had been forced to dress up as a girl, and i felt ridiculous. I gave up trying to adjust to other people's expectations when high school started, I just suddenly stopped caring what they thought, and returned to wearing guys clothing.
I identified as a tomboy for all my life, but for some reason I felt that word didn't describe me, all the tomboys I knew where just girls who wore men's clothing in a girly way. I always felt good when I was confused for a boy, I acted like a boy, I identified more with boys.
I forgot how I stumbled across the whole transgender thing, but I did and soon began a sort of self exploration. Actually I think it all started by looking up crossdressers in Wikipedia (I don't remember why I was doing so, I already knew what they were) and one thing led to another and I found the whole transgender section. It was like a revelation. It felt amazing and shocking and slightly scary all at the same time. I had known of transsexuals when I was little but my parents had put it in my mind that they were freaks, so it was a bit awkward. After a few weeks of thought about who I was and some more research I finally came to understand myself somewhat and finally told a friend.
I identify as about 70% male, 10% female, 20% other. When I thought about transitioning (fully) it just felt odd. I wanted to be neither female or male, and sometimes I felt like neither a bit. I have severe boob dysphoria (i'm so glad I found this word! i didn't know how to describe it) even though I have really small breasts, and I hate my cheeks when I smile, my face starts to look to girly (otherwise I used to accidentally pass as a guy) but no dysphoria with my parts down there (although I do hate my period even though it's short, it just feels like it shouldn't be happening).
I have thought about a partial transition but only way later in life. It would be nice to be on hormones (maybe not completely, as I heard about balding and that freaks me out) but I would really really like top surgery. I would probably pass as a guy all the time just with top surgery (I have yet to try passing with my homemade binder/sports bra). Not that I really want to, I actually like to be confused and wouldn't mind being called he/she interchangeably, it's kind of weird. But if I could choose, I would have chosen to be born a guy. I've been thinking about changing my name also, at least, presenting myself differently to strangers, but I don't know, my name is a bit unisex, still undecided about all that. For now you guys can call me buy the name I'm considering... Alex (this is the one I most like, but it might change)
Oh also forgot to mention, I don't really know my sexuality. I mean, I'm primarily attracted to men (I thought I was straight for a long time, but now that I've seen transmen, I can also see myself being attracted to them, and also anybody like me. And while I am a bit attracted to some women I can never imagine myself in relationships with them, it's weird...
But anyways, I'm just glad I found this place, i really need people to talk to who understand what I'm going through, as the friend I told isn't the greatest expert and this seems like a really supportive community. There aren't even any LGBT people in my city, it's really weird. But yeah, long introduction, sorry.
