I came out to my girlfriend this week. I had breached the topic of my gender dysphoria and confusion many times, and so it wasn't out of nowhere, but it was the first time I conclusively said I am a man. Well, at least it felt conclusive at the time. My girlfriend is almost exclusively into girls, while she has posed that she may be a little homoflexible at the most. This is a very difficult adjustment for her, and she has been rather depressed. She is mourning her queer identity, and fears being an ally to her own community. She misses making love to her girlfriend, but I was never her girlfriend. She misses my female name, the one that never was mine. She is scared of how my body will change, the one I have hated.

I think she would not break up with me even if she should to be happy, because she loves me. But I don't know if she would be happy being in a heterosexual relationship. And I think sex is now terrifying to her, and I wonder if I'll get to make love to her again.

We have been together for 8 months or so, and have grown very attached. I love her more than anything. But I don't know if I can make her happy, and if I'm asking too much of her by transitioning. I feel guilty. It's thrown so much doubt into my own mind, and I wonder if I am just a stupid, confused little girl. That phrase hurts, but it's on my mind. I'm greatly summarizing, and trying to avoid a wall of text. But I feel like sh**. I feel so stupid and hate myself for doing this to her, that I was too confused to inform her when we met. She feels like sh**, worse than I do.

It makes me want to be her girlfriend again, but even thinking about that hurts. I just can't do it.

I know I didn't do anything wrong by being a transman. But I want to stop her pain and to be the one to make her happy. I'm rambling and being unclear...I'm just down and scared about the future. I hope nobody wastes their time reading this

I know where you're coming from.  But all I have to say is something that you'll probably hear a lot: You have to transition for you, not for other people.  Therefore, you aren't asking too much by any stretch.

This isn't to say IF SHE REALLY LOVED YOU SHE'LL STAY.  Because she has to do what's best for herself and her own identity, just as you have to.  I don't think that either of you sacrificing your true self would be a healthy thing to do to a relationship.

Best of luck.

I still feel a bit guilty about my relationship. He knew about me in the first year--that's not what I mean. But about twelve years into the relationship, I started recloseting myself without really being aware of it. And I started walling myself off emotionally, bit by bit. But I did that mostly in response to him. If he had been more supportive about the possibility of transition--if he had even been willing to talk sanely about it--then I might not have started backing off from him. But whenever I broached the subject, no matter how carefully, he would shut down completely. Instantly. Jeez, can't we even TALK about it?

Apparently not.

So, intellectually, I know that we both had a hand in the death of our relationship, although it was mostly on my side. And, realistically, I know that a relationship can be very messy when a trans person is involved. So I tell myself not to feel QUITE so guilty. Sometimes I am even successful.

I hope you are, too, and I wish you the best.

It always hard when we realise that someone we care so much about doesn't actually like us, but who they want us to be.