I'm not sure where to post this, maybe in the coming out, but I'm not out yet! ugh!! Its not a question but more of an experience or maybe rant.

I should be and basically am out, like even now I'm with my children and I'm not hiding too much except the boobs, but even they can be seen somewhat.

I had a situation the other day, some may look at it and say just come out already your already there, but I still can't take that HUGE step.

I went to look at a job I was bidding on, the customer already knew my name, its not a name any girl would have. I got there, looked over the job talked awhile. Her husband then came over to introduce himself, he was nice but had some brain damage from an accident so his memory is really bad.

We all start talking, he asks some questions and his wife keeps telling him things like don't worry she can do it, she knows, I already told her. I  figured she was talking about me but brushed it off, after about the fifth time he finally said why are you calling him her his name is ***** that is not a girls name,( so much for his bad memory) she says it very well could be. he says I never heard of a woman called *** she starts listing some girls with guys name. This goes on a bit. I just listen and don't say anything while she tries to defend that I am a woman to him. I finally say no thats alright that happens alot, yes I am male (UGH).

I can honestly say I was happy with this experience even though it wasn't the first. The reason I got a kick out of it was that she was very determined to prove to her husband that I was a woman. I felt bad that I couldn't have her win. I don't present female but I wear my hair in a pony tail and dress fairly androgynous, but on this day I was wearing some pretty grunge clothing, oh well. Lets just say I am 80% more presentably as I speak now.

The part of this story that I am not thinking about and SHOULD be is the fact I probably will not get this job. I'm sure they went into their house after I left and thought who was that!  It does give me some hope though. For the first 30-40 minutes I spoke with her she thought knew I was a woman and I was the one doing the work. Maybe I can go full time, I just don't know how my repeat customers will react.
Oh, also I wasn't even trying to pass voice wise, I just sound fairly close like a female now. I don't think so, but I have been mis genderd on phone quite a bit. Same thing happened on phone with my childs school, she knew what my name was cause she asked for me, then before the call end she asks if I am H** Father or Mother.    HMMMMM my name is **** I thought.

Sorry about the long bs post. I don't have no one to tell this too. I feel as if I am living fulltime but not as a trans. I just wish I didn't have to see anyone that knows me, I'm just assumed female with everyone else, its all I ever wanted.  I'm even assumed female with some that do know me but havn't seen me in awhile, but then they realize and I get this weird look. This is why I can't come out.

In no way am I posting this to say "I'm all that" no I definitely don't think that,  I just try to be a typical woman. Yes I know I can pass even though I don't feel as if I can. I just feel like I'm not trying to pass I'm just being me  and I still pass. So why can't I just keep doing this. I know once I come out I'm going to go back to trying to pass I don't want that I am comfortable now, but I know people know my born gender and I can't escape that.

Shelly

Sometimes I feel that I should just transition w/o letting anyone know before hand.  I know this is completely unrealistic of me, but...  It's a day dream that would have it's benefits; people would just have to get used to the way I'd present, and that is that.  However, it sounds like we may be in a similar boat, job wise.  I have all sorts of vendors that know me and have worked with me for years.  It will be the hardest part coming out to them, since I see some of them sporadicly at best, there will be quite a few that I inevitably will neglect disclosure, and will have to spring it on them after the fact.  Though fun in thought, the reality of it will be a very daunting task.  All I can say is: that for everything there  is a season, a reason, and turn.  If you need I'll be here for you when it comes to that point.

Year after year I put off transitioning, allot had to do with my job,  customers and employees. So I finally got rid of my business. I have been "full time" for over six months. I have since been back to the company I used to own and have meet some of my old customers and they have been soooo great. I have to kick myself for not having transitioned earlier.

   I think you will be surprised (in a good way) just how your customers may react.  I felt the same as you, that I didn't want to have to deal with anyone that knew me, but since I have seen how people have treated me. I enjoy meeting all those people now. I find it in some weird way fun.

  Hugs, Roxy Rose

A couple of weeks ago, one person said it, and either they have been blabbing to ALL of our mutual acquaintances to get on my case, or the others have seen something I can't just yet. 

For about the 15th time in two weeks,  "Vicky, you can no longer pass as a male!" 

Why not?  I still get more "sirs" than the whole of King Arthur's round table of knights!!   I have said.

So, tonight I was at a restaurant without makeup, and hair loose which usually gets me "sir"ed, and the hostess had addressed the other people in front of me as "sir" or "ms."  but she avoided any proun or title with me!!!  Same for the waitress.    The service was very good and except for the lack of pronoun or title no change in sweet attitude.  I did not have to use a restroom luckily so I could not gauge that one.   

(Note- I had been pretty much full time for two months, but this week I went on Jury duty, and since I have not had a legal name change, had to show up for that as male.  It has made me so tired that I just did not feel like putting my face on, which would have tipped the scale female!)

Shelly.

Just a few points on the gentleman with brain damage.

Sometimes, brain damage can produce memory problems, but more often seems to affect perception.

This man was seeing a woman. He was unable to connect the dots, so to speak and fit that into what he'd been told, or may have done.

I once had a similar situation, when I first moved to the S of England. I had a noticable Scottish accent at the time, having lived there for 17 years. Anyway, I was nursing at the time and went to look after a guy who lived about 50 miles from my home. The guy had been told that I had come from my town, and couldn't understand why I had this strange accent. Had I just come all the way from Scotland? (It makes more sense if you know that, in England, accents chage noicably after about 20 or so miles).

In these situations, you simply need to ignore and remeber who you are. The only thing you need to prove is your ability.

As for coming out, the question you need to ask yourself is, are you comfortable with it.

Personally, I would love to be in your situation. (OK I'd love to have kids, but not the point I'm getitng at here). I would love to have that gradual change, which those that know me will see with time.

My own ambition was to allow my own change to happen as nature intended. To allow those around me to see that change. To learn to accept me in their time. But that I would never need to have to hide what I was. If someone asks me, I would tell them what I wanted them to know and only that.

Now you've got kids. So, you're already the luckiest girl in the world. (That was meaningless, but I just wanted to say it  )

@ Spacial-The gentleman with the brain damage was gendering me correctly (at this time) cause he remembered my name (thats what was weird part, he remembered my name) he knew there are no women called ****.

Almost 2 years ago when I started to transition I joked around and said maybe I can just gradually become my true gender and no one will notice anything and then one day Bam!  here I am.

I never tried to do transition like this, but this is how it seems to be going. I am sure people see the changes (family for sure, never see them any more) but they don't realize a big Bam! is coming. This is the part I am even afraid of.

Shelly