Why Gay Men Don't Date Transsexuals

http://ladyinwaitingblog.wordpress.com/2011/05/25/why-gay-men-dont-date-transsexuals/
5/25/11
by ladyinwaitingblog

A relationship between a gay man and a transsexual woman will not work because a tried-and-true gay man wants to be with another gay man. Gay men, by definition, like other men. We as transwomen were never men, we just have the bodies of men, which we try desperately to escape from.

Thanks so much for re-posting...also, I'm very glad to have discovered a new on-line resource.

and in other news, Water is still wet.  Oh and Generalissimo Francisco Franco, still dead

There really was nothing earth shattering there...I never did and never will have anything sexually in common with a gay man and it stands to reason that they would feel the same about me.   They are simply two different drives...

Ha, so true... but honestly, I can't tell you how many times I get asked by people about my boyfriend's sexual orientation. They assume because he's with me that he's gay and that entry was just kind of a "setting them straight" type thing...so if someone googles are you gay if you like a transsexual, maybe they'll learn something they didn't know before without having to be all invasive and ask questions like, "So is your boyfriend gay or something?"

Quote from: LadyInWaiting on May 27, 2011, 07:09:24 AM
Ha, so true... but honestly, I can't tell you how many times I get asked by people about my boyfriend's sexual orientation. They assume because he's with me that he's gay and that entry was just kind of a "setting them straight" type thing...so if someone googles are you gay if you like a transsexual, maybe they'll learn something they didn't know before without having to be all invasive and ask questions like, "So is your boyfriend gay or something?"

Oh, I *get* that people wonder...it was one of the questions I fielded when I spoke to a couple of grad classes back in the mid-90's (one a Sociology class and the other a Psych class, both taught by profs who had become close friends when I was an undergrad).  I also had a few people in my old job at the time who were brave enough to ask.  It admittedly boggled their minds at first when I told them that I had identified as lesbian since before high school.

Once they grasped the nuance of physical apparatus not being related to who I wanted to share a bed with, it made more sense to them...although a few still seemed bewildered that I had no desire to at least try out the new equipment with a man.  They quickly realized how ill-placed the question was when I asked them why they didn't have the urge to go have sex with someone of the same sex...

It's why I would not want to date a gay man. He wouldn't be any more comfortable with my transition than a straight woman would.

I think many people find it nigh-impossible to differentiate sexual orientation and gender identity and are alarmed when the two "misalign" in a way that fits outside of their little boxes...like an mtf lesbian for example or a ftm gay guy. Either way, I find it an irritating question because as was mentioned, most of us don't go up to people we barely know and ask them about their partner's orientation. It's a shame...but hopefully one day with more education, people will be better prepared to leave their misconceptions at the door and stop asking such absurd questions.

"Transsexuals" doesn't just mean trans women, it also refers to trans men. By suggesting that gay men don't date "transsexuals" because they're not really men, trans men are either erased or "not really men".

Other than that.... good article

I think that to most people, we are still just the endpoint of a straight line spectrum:

Hetero Male ----- Gay Male ----- Drag Queen ----- MTF Transsexual
Hetero Female ----- Lesbian ----- Butch Lesbian ----- FTM Transsexual

It's hard for them to understand why we "can't just be gay" because to them it's a completely reasonable question.  We've lived it though, so we understand how completely ludicrous of a question it truly is.  Perhaps when (and if) a cause (preferably anatomical in the brain) is found, they will finally start to understand.  I'm just afraid there are too many like my parents ... who discount all scientific evidence as a government conspiracy to destroy the "normal" way of life, whatever that is.

Quote from: AmySmiles on May 28, 2011, 04:48:26 PM
I think that to most people, we are still just the endpoint of a straight line spectrum:

Hetero Male ----- Gay Male ----- Drag Queen ----- MTF Transsexual
Hetero Female ----- Lesbian ----- Butch Lesbian ----- FTM Transsexual

It's hard for them to understand why we "can't just be gay" because to them it's a completely reasonable question.  We've lived it though, so we understand how completely ludicrous of a question it truly is.  Perhaps when (and if) a cause (preferably anatomical in the brain) is found, they will finally start to understand.  I'm just afraid there are too many like my parents ... who discount all scientific evidence as a government conspiracy to destroy the "normal" way of life, whatever that is.

but it has been found. i forget where this was done and by who, but i know it was fairly recently that MRI's were done on i don't know how many group of transitioning people (sorry, i REALLY wish i had the actual source instead of going by memory) and they found we actually do have the same anatomical brain as the gender we've been claiming to be all along. ya know, a tran sman having a male brain being 10% larger in size and a trans woman having a female brain being smaller, sort of not as round but used way differently....and more...*sigh*

Gay is a man whose sexual orientation is homosexual. The majority of us MTF are human whose gender identity is female. Some of us are homosexual (lesbians) and some bisexual, and some heterosexual. So for a gay man we are either way females, not their cookie.

I totally disagree with AmySmiles on her "line spectrum," you are mixing oranges (gender identity) with apples (sexual orientation). The Sexual Dimorphic nuclei is the part of the brain involved in sexual orientation, while the stria terminals is the part of the brain involved in gender identity.
Kate D

I suggest you re-read my post.    I was merely illustrating what I think most people believe about us.  I of course understand we do not fall into such a simple spectrum and that sexual orientation is not related to gender.

 

Amy makes me smile

Peace

OK for some real life reality check.

I have/had a gay "friend" he must have for year been after my booty because he obviously sussed out may feminine side (even before I WANTED to notice).

Never gave up for years. I never could be gay so we came to some sort of "armistice" yet he ALWAYS tried (just a little).

When all hell went loose and I transitioned he was the first person I could actually speak too but learned pretty fast that it was NOT his "cup of tea".

So still learning (of sorts) don't we all, I one day decided to hop into the "cold water" and have sex with him but being all girlie self. It left me pretty cool, really, tried but did nothing for me. It did some for him for sure but hey, then so what.

He tried to get me into some of his gay videos but it either but me off or left me plain cold. He sensibly has now accepted I'm a t-girl and not gay. Tough, but good lesson for him too. Still tries to be friends but the flame, his flame, finally died.

Gay men like penis and not girl-bits. I had small boobs then and right through it all flaccid penis (still being pre-op). Thankfully he left my "extra" alone and busied himself with "servants entrance". It was for all intense and purposes just some labour of compassion on my side. One time, and thank you please no more.

But mind you in some small way I did feel of having myself let be used. Only noticed later on when my "girlie" instinct was jilted by him trying to treat me like some buddy thing. I sure didn't like that at all. He still tried to see me as some f***-buddy like typically gay male sex perception and hell I sure ain't.

So, I know there is no way that I see any connection between t-girl and gay male. Gay male is much like straight male but not interested in girl-bits. Simple as that.
Axelle