Lately I'm finding it harder to cope. After a cutting incident that I thought would end in suicide back in February, I've watched things get better and slowly worse when I started getting some serious pain problems. That issue is now under control with medication (I owe it all to the person on here who told me of muscle relaxants, sorry I'm not good with names.) unfortunately I get light headed from them, drowsy and really bad headaches, so I still can't get a job until after the hysterectomy, whenever that ->-bleeped-<- happens.

But basically lately I've noticed an increase in 'she's and the term 'sister'. The T makes it hard to really cry. I can get out a tear or two, but I can't go any further. Now I used to blow up about this, even if the people didn't mean to say it. Now I don't want to bother stressing myself by causing a confrontation on the subject, it's a complete 180 on my part because I'm the type who goes over the edge on these sort of things. I was hurt enough as a child, I don't like people to hurt me now too...even if it is unintentional.

I don't think it helps that I've been reading depressing posts on here as well lately. Perhaps I shouldn't add to it? I just don't know how to deal. I mean everythings really piling on top of each other right now into one giant stress mountain. Swimming, wearing t-shirts, binding, hair, baby face, looking young, looking female, hips, butt, breasts, sister, she, her, daughter, *birth name* - despite having it changed over a year ago, jobless, possible rejection for hysterectomy, finding a job after a hysterectomy, side effects of medication, suicidal thoughts, depression, dysphoria, ID, and...well I'm sure there is more.

I've tried finding a therapist and so far, none. I've been through 6! NONE of the ones I have contacted recently have gotten back to me! Not even these people who are supposed to help you FIND therapy! I mean my city is ->-bleeped-<-ing useless. And it's not an option in another city because of transportation. I mean what do you guys do in these ridiculous situations. I mean I can't focus on everything good...because what's good right now, I got rid of one pain (though it causes another, less painful though I will admit!), I uhhhhh....I really don't have anything going for me. I want a job, I hate being jobless.

I'm not saying I will commit suicide, if theres one thought I despise more than anything, it's dying in my body as is with people saying 'she' and the term 'daughter' on my headstone. I mean I want my body donated to science but since I got nothing written up I know my wishes will be denied. I also wouldn't leave my pets behind, they mean the world to me. I decided if I ever want to do something like suicide, I'm at least waiting until my cat dies, people will care for my other pets, but my cat...nope, everyone hates her but me.

Anyways so that's my dilemma. I'm in a ->-bleeped-<-ty position, and thinking positive is not a way out. 

Drugs are not my way out. THey may work for others but me, I refuse to take them, hell knowing me they'd probably make me more suicidal and I would end up dead.

I'm sorry to bring so much more depression to the forum, I know you guys got your own ->-bleeped-<- to deal with. I just...I'm stuck. I can't talk to my mum, she likes to ignore this kind of thing. She likes to think everythings just ->-bleeped-<-ing fine, I could sit there with a razor in one hand and blood pouring from my other and by the next day she'd be convinced it was just one of my 'moments'. My sister doesn't think I have any reason to be depressed. I've told my mum many times I'm not happy, I don't think she understands what I mean.

This all just so damn tiring. Sorry bout this guys, it's just nothing else is working for me right now for expressing how I'm feeling, not writing, not drawing, not music, not closing my eyes and just taking deep breaths. So I hope you don't mind the momentary burden as you read this. If it makes you feel better you can share as much depressing blood as you can bleed and I'll take in every bit of it to even the playing field.

:|

Hey there brother were are your best therapy. We will be here to watch you grow. Keep the faith and try to see how others have it way worse than us. Many live in countries where they can't even transition or don't even know its possible. Yea i too get depressed and then get my highs so i am with you and we are all together.. coocoocachoo

I assume you're on T through informed consent, since you say you don't have a therapist...am I right? That's how I started too.

If you're old enough man...just move out whenever possible. I cut out family, it worked for me. I never had much of one to begin with...my gma died when I was 17, she was the one who raised me, moved out of my mom's house the day I turned 18. I'm 21 now. Its better on my own. As you can see, I still have problems, but they're not related to being in a toxic environment anymore, they're all related to dysphoria.

Hey Jay.  Sorry times are so tough.  I don't deal with the family issues, but I did used to cut.  One thing that helped me stop that, was to get into weight lifting.  Idea being, even though there were/are body parts I don't like, there are also those that will always be a part of me.....Arms, legs, etc.  And, even though surgeries might feel a life time away, The hard work I did at building up my pec muscles served 2 purposes.  I found it easier to bind and, when I did have chest surgery, the pecs were developed enough that the surgeon was able to follow the pec line ...which is where my scars are now.  Hope this helps a little.  Hang in there and keep writing. 

Do you know what your way out is?  Looking into the future.  Making a goal and moving towards it. 

So you can't fix your appearance and body completely this very moment.  You can however make steps towards the change. 

Working out is a great option.  I'm going to second mowdan on that point.  Not only does it help you move towards a more masculine appearance.  It also releases endorphins which prompts a better mood.  http://hubpages.com/hub/ExerciseandTheEndorphinRush  When you feel the worst is when it is the most important to exercise.  It does help.

A while ago I made the commitment to myself to correct anyone who gets a pronoun wrong.  It doesn't matter who because I owe it to myself to gain respect for myself.  It might seem stressful at times but to me it was worth it.  You deserve basic consideration and if people don't automatically give it you demand it.  It's all about building your own esteem for yourself.     

Repeating it enough will give yourself positive feedback.  Plus making everyone else know you believe it.  You need that reassurance and you need to them to know that you are damn serious about this.
 

being depressed sucks, especially with trans-related body issues because there really is no "quick fix" for that kind of stuff... but its important to remember that you will not feel ->-bleeped-<-ty forever and that things will get better even if it is hard to believe that right now in your depressed brain. i know exactly what you mean about "positive thinking" not being the easy and obvious solution that people tend to say it is, too. when you are really depressed it is demeaning to have someone tell you to "rent a comedy" or "hang out with friends" or whatever, so i feel you on that for sure. the fact is sometimes ->-bleeped-<- just sucks for awhile, but as winston churchill once said (and he dealt with depression on and off for his entire life), "if you're going though hell, keep going."

Mowdan, I'm just wondering what you did to get started in weight lifting? I've wondered about it myself, but I have no idea what to do. I'm not really looking to join a gym because I've done that and it was very dysphoric for me, especially since there were lots of guys using the equipment, so intimidating with how built up they were. But honestly I do like that idea, honestly I think that's something I will try, if I can figure out how to do it correctly. I do plan on joining a gym one day though, just not until I'm more comfortable with my body.

Oh and I almost forgot, I've tried other things too, like fighting for what I believe in, animal rights and all that junk. I have hobbies, and I do have goals. In fact I'm writing a book, because I want to be a writer. I'm designing clothes because I want to be a clothing designer. I have read books on it, planned it out in detail just how I will go about it for the future. I've got goals, and I have a future planned, but it doesn't seem to make a difference for me.

I'd love to move out Zombie, but it's not an option when your jobless and I refuse to go on welfare (though they hardly give enough to survive where I live...seriously, not to mention they'd have to allow pets, and I got three, ones exotic so that doesn't help...). And like I said getting a job just isn't an option at the moment because I can't function properly on my medication and I'd have to quit for a few weeks, whenever I get the surgery.

My mums a good mom to a certain extent. I mean she's the one who will be taking time off for when I get my hysterectomy and will be taking care of me. She's the one who introduced me to the documentary of Chaz Bono. She tries, she just doesn't know how to deal with certain things and ignoring works for her and my dad, it's why they are stuck in a terrible relationship, but as long as they ignore it, they don't have to bother with divorce.

I did have a psychologist, she's the one who said I could start T, but my plan only covers four visits with her a year because she's not free.

Thanks Squirrel. That just seems weird to write, haha. Well I don't know your actual name, so . I've exercised when I was angry once but when I do that, I ended up overdoing it until I was seriously hurting. I'm too much of an extremist when I do things. I either don't do them at all or as far and best as I can. I'll be sure to read that link you gave me, so thank you. Also I'm going to take your advice on correcting people again, try and keep calm when I do it. But I can't promise I'll end up sticking to it if it causes me a lot of stress. I got so much of it I like keeping it at a minimum, without the arguments, you know?

Quote from: JayValentine on June 02, 2011, 11:25:35 AM
Mowdan, I'm just wondering what you did to get started in weight lifting? I've wondered about it myself, but I have no idea what to do. I'm not really looking to join a gym because I've done that and it was very dysphoric for me, especially since there were lots of guys using the equipment, so intimidating with how built up they were. But honestly I do like that idea, honestly I think that's something I will try, if I can figure out how to do it correctly. I do plan on joining a gym one day though, just not until I'm more comfortable with my body.

I can answer this 'cause I'm also doing weightlifting, and can definitely recommend it.

You don't need to go to the gym - buy yourself a dumbbell set. Look up routines on Google or Youtube, or just do what I do and go with bicep curls, overheads, push-ups... Burns up the energy, and watching yourself getting stronger (partly down to T) is a great feeling

Hope you feel better soon

Hey Jay.  Glad to hear about all the positive stuff you are doing FOR YOU!  As for weight training....I don't belong to a gym.  I have my own routine.  I used to work as a trainer.  If you know the basic lingo....such as....what a bicep curl is, a tricep kickback...etc., I can give you a basic routine to start you out.  When starting with weights.....and looking to bulk up, you need to start with a weight that you can do 8 - 10 reps maximum for each set.  To do more than 10 reps.....means the weight is too light and you are only building lean muscle...not bulk. 
Anyway, let me know if you are interested and I can give you a place to start. A basic routine.  All you need is a set of dumbbells.  If you can get a weight bench and a barbell...in addition to the dumbbells.....even better. 
Glad to hear you are hanging in there. 

Hey Jay.  Just adding to my last post.  If you can't afford a set of weights, there is a way to work out without them.  As Nemo posted...that is pushups.  And there are many variations of the basic pushup...that will give you a good workout. From the basic pushup, to wide stance pushups to diamond pushups etc.   There are also  leg exercises....and abs...etc. that you can do without weights and get great results. 

Wow, sounds like I still have much to learn. I'd be interested in this basic routine too, unless I'm already on the right track

Hey Nemo.  Yea , you are basically on the right path.  There are different ways you can increase muscle by varying your pushups.  Basically, first, do standard pushups....as many as you can...then widen your arms....do more pushups, this utilizes different pec muscles,(you will feel it in the morning).  Then, widen your feet and put your hands together...thumbs touching thumbs, under your chest....and push-up again.  Also, there's the incline push-up.  Put your feet on a chair and again...do the max push=ups.  Make sure you stop before you do a face plant.  I know from experience, that's not fun. 
There is other stuff you can do for lower body and abs.  Not sure if it is ok to put all that out here.  if so, and you are intersted, I am willing to share. 

I just tried working out again today (first time in months) and I must say it really did give me the boost I needed. Only did two hours though, but that's dance. Anyways yeah, if you don't mind, I would like to hear of a routine to get started on. I have dumbbells already. Been a long time since I used them though, probably like cobwebs on them.

I love how this topic went from depression to weight lifting.

Hey Jay.  Here's a big pat on the back.  Yea....you can do this.  okay.  Let's get started.  First, your workout should only be 1 hour max.  Any more...you will be tiring your muscles. Here is my routine.  if there are any exercises that you are not sure what they are...Let me know....I will try to explain them the best i can.  I do 6 days of working out.   1st day upper body...2nd day, cardio, 3rd day, lower body.  repeat...and rest on the 7th. 
Upper body:
Dumbbell Curl
Shrugs
Lat Raise
Bent over Row
Front Raise
Concentration curl
Tricep kickback
Bench press
Wrist curls.
repeat
 
Second day...Legs and abs.
Squats
Roman dead lift
Calf raise
Wall sits
Repeat 3 times....Then do abs
Crunches
For oliques...sit on the floor.  lean back..knees bent feet off floor,  and grip your hands together.. touch the floor ...left to right as many times as you can.
And. the bicycle.  Sit on the floor...lean back.  pick up your feet and...bicycle.
For Cardio...Do what you like...running ...biking etc. 
Also, you will notice, as you work out, your body will require better feeding...more protein...less crap.  More calories.  I try to get that through protein supplements.  I even sprinkle protein powder on my cereal. 
Hang in there Jay, and if you need explanations about any of these exercises, let me know.....not a problem. 

Cheers for that mowdan, you're a star I've had to start off fairly easy, seeing as I hadn't properly worked out for ages and recently back to full fitness after a hysto, but I'm able to do sit-ups now, which is great - been doing the cycling thing too. I just really need to kick-start the damn fat redistribution, my hips and thighs are still stuck at that awkward shape they've been at since about 3 months post-T But thanks for the tips on push-ups, that's really helpful

And that's great stuff Jay, glad to hear you're feeling better In addition to what mowdan's said about protein - you can get this whey powder to add to smoothies. It can be hard to find though; I've got a drum of vanilla flavoured stuff in the cupboard - tastes fine though, especially if you add some fruit or fruit juice (or both). Whey is good for building muscle, which will also help your strength.

While on the subject of work-outs, fancy a laugh? Before starting T, I couldn't even do push-ups Now I'm going past 10!

Hey Nemo.  Yea.  T is awesome.  I put up this pull up bar years ago.....could'nt use it at all before T....Now...I fear I might pull the house down.  Hoo Yah! 

Thanks for all that, I really appreciate it.

By the way, I find it nearly impossible to get more than a thousand calories a day being raw vegan. I get enough protein so that's no issue, but everything I eat is low in calories and high in carbs. I can continue eating all day and still end up at around 900 calories. It'd be easier if I wasn't gluten intolerant. It means I have no trouble losing weight when sticking to the diet, but I haven't attempted gaining muscle on it or doing anything other than cardio.

Also seriously, only an hour? I mean I did a two hour work out today just for fun to try it out (dance), and I could have kept going, even though I haven't done it in...well I don't know, it was that long ago. I mean I'll definitely only do an hour if its weights, but cardio, I seem to lose all track of time and go overboard.  I used to do two hours of it every day, on average. Should have not quit. Really hurt my body to do that.

Hey jay.  No it does'nt hurt your body to do more than an hour of exercise.  It's just the difference of building bulk vs building lean muscle.  All depends on what you are going for.