I recently told my mom.. within the last week or so.
She seemed to take it pretty well at first.

But now it's a bit different.

I really don't know what to do anymore.
I haven't been in school or working because I can't stand going out as a male.
I know it's childish, but I was really hoping my parents could understand and help me with money.

But now I pretty much have to move out and do it all myself.
I know plenty of you do this already as it is, but it's still a big deal for me.

I was really hoping to start HRT this year and now everything feels ruined.
I'm turning 19 into a few days. My body isn't too masculine yet, but within the next few years I'm sure it'll get there which is why it's been important that I start asap.
Now I don't know when I'll ever get to.

I don't even want to bother living.

Here's the message she sent me:



"You know I love you Ben and have always wanted the best for you? I hope you believe that. My question is, are you angry with dad and I at all? Do you deep down blame us for anything through your life? Are you bitter about anything? Please be honest with me on this. 





Have you ever read Dr. Phil's understanding of gid? He does believe there are a small percentage of people that are born with this disorder. He also said there is really no way to truly tell if they are of that percentage or not because there are no definitive test out there. You can find Dr. Phil's link on that same web site I sent you. Read it and tell me what you think.



What if it is true; what if you were born this way? How are you ever going to afford the transition? Don't you think it would be easier to figure out how to live as "Ben"? This is the body you already have. I believe you can live as Ben and I believe you can find happiness. You know son I believe God can help you if you let him. Just for the record I do not believe that you are demon possessed. I believe that a combo of things have helped you get you where you are at. The bible says; "I am fearfully and wonderfully made", it also says "before I formed you in the womb, I knew you". That is only some of the Lord's mind on how precious we are in His sight. There are many scriptures confirming God's love to us when it comes to his creating us. He created us out of love. The bible says "we are his workmanship created in Christ Jesus to do good works." Remember how you said you wanted to help people? If you allow God complete control in the matter over your body not fitting your mind; if you give all this complication up to him, he will make your life a testimony to others and you will shine like a new penny, Ben.



I have been praying for you even before you were born. And even today I pray for you Ben. And my prayer for you son is that you find "peace" in your heart and happiness. And I believe only through Christ will you ever be truly satisfied. There are a lot of transgender people out there living with the disorder and living for Christ. I believe God can use you just as you are Ben. The bible says "come to him all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest". I see you are weary son and heavy laden. I promise if you will surrender all to Christ, in your heart and mind over this transgender issue he will help you. I don't know how he will help you because I am not God, but I know he will, and he will never reject you Benjamin, never! Nor will I because I am your mother and he gave you to me to take care of long ago.



I still want to see you go forward in life, transgender or not. There is no reason to stop your life. Please keep church and playing music with dad, that's an outlet for you.



Speaking of dad; he is pretty confused about this, so am I, but mom's are different I think. Dad may not always be here to take care of you so you need to get back in college. He is willing to care for you while you go to school. You need to take advantage of that, soon. It will be better for you to be busy getting your life together and growing on your own away from here because there might come a day when you and dad may not be able to dwell together because of values and beliefs being different. Personally it would be very hard for me to watch you "change" under my roof. I won't be able to endure it Ben. You have to understand that. So if you are going to pursue a real transition and change you will have to do it on your own, in your own apartment and so forth. Dad and I won't pay for this specialist; you will have to do all that on your own. However you can live here, as my son, and go to school, work and save money. You already have a car. That is better than most young people, right?



So if you sound mentally, as you say, then get on with your life! You can't sit back there forever. You're almost nineteen! But if you feel you can't move forward with your life then you will have to go to counseling, and how ever long it takes we will walk with you on it. But not "change" counseling, I won't pay for that.



We love you son, I don't know if you know that or not, but we do. I will never turn my back on you no matter what road that you choose ahead for yourself.

Love mom



Ps; keep reading the site I sent; don't close your mind to it. Allow for opposing views."


The site she references to at the bottom is one that talks about healing people with our situation.

I'm sorry... that sounds like a really tough reaction.   Especially given the religious nature of her argument, which can make it hard to argue against considering how deeply religious convictions can be held.  I hope for you that they eventually understand the pain of your condition and decide that your medical needs come before their religious ones.


EDIT - I really don't want to talk bad about your parents or start any flame wars (honestly) but I've always maintained that people who leave others to suffer in the name of God don't really understand the teachings of Christ.  It's such a bitter irony...

I probably don't have much righ to say so... but that sounds normal. It shows she is concerned - even if to the point of not wanting to help you with what in her mind is wrong. She wants you to be happy, but can't be supportive, at least not now.

It seems like she's trying to deter your from transitioning by making a situation that is difficult if you do, and easy if you don't. I'm guessing that the idea of you transitioning threatens her in a way, because parents often see the transition as the death of their child, and the birth of someone new, and someone they don't know. Even if you know that you will still be you.

The religious part isn't really important... She wants it to be possible for you to not want to transition, so she is probably bringing up Christ to create a scenario for herself where you don't transition. If you have made your wishes to transition clear, then she probably just wants to have some hope that you will remain male. (Even four years after coming out to my own mom, she still hopes I'll not transition.)

I liked that she said...
"We love you son, I don't know if you know that or not, but we do. I will never turn my back on you no matter what road that you choose ahead for yourself."

It means that, just maybe, she can be accepting one day. I'm not sure about be an active support, but as long as she loves you, there's hope that she can be accepting someday.

To me, it just looks like she doesn't fully understand what being "transgendered" means. But, because she offered her own sources of information, and why she has her own point of view, I think that she may be open to learning. Perhaps not willingly, at least not yet, but learning is possible, so there's also hope there. Some people choose not to learn... and are very stubborn about that.

I sort of understand where she's coming from. It's definitely not a favourable reaction, but I think it's a lot better than a worst-case scenario. When I told my mom, my worst-case scenario was being disowned. She loves you... she's just afraid for you, and protective over you. That sounds like most moms.

If you're turning nineteen, well, it's probably time for you to move on from the family anyway. I would hope that you don't dislike your parents, but if you need to transition, then that should be one of the high priorities, and if moving out and going to work/school (even as male) will help your transition, then you should probably do that, if it's not too bold of me to say.

I wish you the best... and I hope that your parents will understand someday. For now, though, you just have to do what's best for you...


Be well 

I'm sorry, coming out is a very crazy time. I will say that her reaction is pretty typical. People make it through this. I made it very clear that I was going to transition to everyone, and that I would break all of the bonds necessary to do so (this included EVERYONE. Everyone.) - Though there is such a thing as heartbreak, there is no such thing as unconditional love. They needed to know that they did not love me for who I really was, and I would not love them if they stood in my way in any fashion.

I remember going through religion as a source for a cure, and I too heard everything she told you. I tried to embrace it, I really really did. Then duality of meaning set in and inconsistency of scriptures... Then plain fact hit me square in the brain and I left the religious to their devices. I saw a great bumper sticker today: "Religion: For those who suck at life." Though I do have a Christian streak, I truly believe that science is by far the superior tool for understanding.

What am I getting at? I guess I like to muse every once in a while. I suggest you get out on your own and show them that you're dead serious as soon as you can.

Both of my parents were completely supportive when I came out to them and told them I was going to transition. But it wasn't until recently that my mom told me that she spent 5 weeks of sleepless nights with severe anxiety. I do remember that even though she said she wanted to support me, she was desperately looking for the "reasons" that I might have become trans. She wanted to find out if it was her fault, or maybe something in the environment, or something she ate while she was pregnant, or maybe some pesticides that were in the water when she was pregnant (she looked into all these things and more.) She searched for a cure for weeks nonstop.

When I read your moms response here I think she is still being reasonable, but she's also going to need time to adjust. She is worried, and worried people turn to sources of stability to make sense of things they don't understand - religion can be one of those. But you can be one of those sources too. This takes patience on your part. It takes time for a parent to move through the phases and come to a point of understanding. It is very scary for them. I wouldn't write her off yet, even though she is quoting the Bible to you. It doesn't mean she won't be supportive in the end.

But don't withdraw from her or your dad. Help them learn about this. Go and IMMEDIATELY buy the book "True Selves" and give it to your mom. Read it yourself, then ask her to read it. Plead with her as her child if you need to, tell her you have read it and you really need to discuss some of the things in it and you need her to read it to understand.

She's right by the way. If you can get support of your parents to go to school you should ABSOLUTELY be taking advantage of that. You can get all kinds of health services, therapy, not to mention education so that you can get a JOB at school. This is your chance - you need to not blow it. You might even be able to get on T blockers or something through school eventually - there are resources available for you there. Figure it out. This is not the time to shrivel away, this is the time to step up and start making a life for yourself, if you have the financial support of your parents BY ALL MEANS use it as much as you can!

You're not alone, you can do this! Don't let yourself lose focus. This will work for you, just be patient and have respectful resolve to become who you must become to be happy. Your parents will stand proud.

See, that sounds really good, but I can speak from a mountain of experience when I say things like "transition NEEDS to be your life," and everything you have your hands in will suffer. In contrast to President's Highest Honors and a 3.5 GPA, I've changed majors at least 5 times, dropped out twice, and spent time in a prescription drug induced haze to try to kill the most vile and horrifying thoughts imaginable due to GID. There's a threshold, and it's different for everyone. It sounds like you're up against it, I hope you find a way to deal with this that makes sense soon.

As much as it pains me to say it, I have to agree that, education is and must be, number one priority.

In this world, if you don't have something to sell, you starve.

Going to have to say I completely disagree.
I'd much rather be dead than live for another 50-60 years as a male.

I'm definitely placing transition far above my education.
I don't care if I could have some big fancy house, 50 cars, love my job and feel oh so set for life.
I'd much rather be living in a trashy trailer park and be female.

I have the rest of my life to go to college, and while I have a long time to transition - the earlier I transition the better it's going to be. A college degree is going to be good whether I get one now in 10 years. Transitioning will only be better if I do it now because the actual results will be better and I won't have to hate my life for another 10 years.

The reason I haven't gotten a job or went back to school (I went for a couple semesters) is because I can't stand having to present myself as male. I hate it with a passion so I wanted to be able to focus on transitioning first.

But it looks like I no longer have a choice.

But either way, I'm transitioning asap or going to die trying.

Quote from: Emmy on June 03, 2011, 04:04:00 AM
Going to have to say I completely disagree.
I'd much rather be dead than live for another 50-60 years as a male.

I'm definitely placing transition far above my education.

No-one is suggesting you spend any longer than you need to, living as male. But you must spend a few years, at least, getting your education.

However, I suspect, from the tone of your response that you are using this to hit back. I understand. But with respect, we are not your enemies or opponest. I support your objectives. I'm simply saying you need to be able to stand on your own two feet first.

Best of luck.

I donno. The thing is that a lot of schools have the very resources that we trans people need, and at a very cheap price comparatively because it's included in tuition. You can often get a school therapist to provide you a letter for hormones, or even the school doctor to participate in your care (bloodwork etc). All of this is included in tuition and therefore PAID BY THE PARENTS.

I would personally go to school not only because a degree greatly increases your ability to support yourself, but also because schools often have resources that we need for CHEAP. Not to mention that college environments are among the safest environments in which to transition anywhere in this country.

It doesn't have to be one or the other.

Quote from: Madelyn on June 03, 2011, 10:52:50 AM
I donno. The thing is that a lot of schools have the very resources that we trans people need, and at a very cheap price comparatively because it's included in tuition. You can often get a school therapist to provide you a letter for hormones, or even the school doctor to participate in your care (bloodwork etc). All of this is included in tuition and therefore PAID BY THE PARENTS.

What Madelyn said is absolutely true!  However, it's worth it to know that many university mental health facilities are staffed by trainees in the school's counseling program, usually master's degree candidates.  That's how it was at my school.  Every person I saw was fantastic, but not licensed, though the sessions are supervised by licensed therapists.  Those same licensed therapists also saw clients, but they usually only took the more severe cases as they had limited schedules after their supervision duties.  Therefore, very few of the counselors were qualified to write letters for HRT.

Now... there was also a doctor at my school's clinic who would write HRT prescriptions without a letter.  I know this because my therapist (who wrote my HRT letter) has two clients who saw this doctor and told her about him.  Getting the prescriptions filled cost $10/month.  I didn't go that route, but it was interesting to know the option existed.  Those were legal hormones prescribed under the care of a licensed physician!

So college has its unexpected perks if you know where to look!  I'm going to echo the voices that say don't give up the chance at an education...

If you can do both, do both. I'm doing both right now on my own. That seems like the way you'll have to do it. College isn't all about that piece of paper you get to tell people you earned, or the classes you sat through. If that was the sum of your college experience it should be considered useless. It's so much more about the contacts you make and the strength of character that you display if you want to become REALLY successful. Being successful as yourself for your professors, doctors, advisors, etc... will have a profound effect.

Unfortunately, it seems as though you don't have the option of utilizing your parent's  "generosity" if you are to do both. Oh well, welcome to life after high school. Prove to everyone that you can make your own way.