Hey guys,
I have been really depressed lately about my lower body especially. I am not sure how to deal with it. I was going to book an appointment with a gender therapist (haven't found one yet) but then I just froze up out of fear and decided nevermind. I don't cut. But things like taking showers and going to the bathroom make me sick to my stomach (so I just quickly get on with it and am thankful when it's over). The thing is, I am not comfortable with male parts either, but I am more comfortable with a male body than a female body (as someone else on here said. I hope they don't mind me using their words, it just was exactly how I felt too). I just wish I knew who I was. I really hate this. When my sister drags me shopping I hate it and my eyes always drift to the male clothing. I've only come out to two very close friends who are both very accepting but I find it hard ot talk to them about this stuff. I want a flat chest for sure and I want to get on T. But it just seems like a fantasy right now. I am on insurance for two more years and then it expires and I have to go to full time school again to get it back. I don't want to feel pressured by this silly thing. But I just graduated from high school and I'm trying to figure out what the heck to do with my life, and I also want to transition as soon as possible but at the same time I don't want to somehow regret it. It's so bloody confusing. I'd give anything to know what I want. So the whole point of this post I guess... any advice?
-Josh

Oh man, you sound so much like me right now I dont know where to begin. Maybe this is a good place to start. You're not the only one in the world thinking and feeling these things.

First- You specifically stated that you don't cut. I have in the past. Did it for years and I have nasty scars on my thighs (easily hideable). For me it was a couple of tiny steps from suicide because I didn't get any help. Do NOT deny the enormity of these thoughts whether you have or haven't acted on them.

I too am also having trouble with the idea of (one day) having a penis whether it's just my clit enlarged from T or from surgery. Though I identify as male (I currently live as female) I have lived with this weird vagina thing for 30 years and in that sense it would be strange for me to have anything but that when I think about it (though the tits have gotta go!). Maybe that could apply to you a bit???

I think the most important thing for anybody to do about any struggle they are facing is to talk about it with as many people as possible who understand and are willing to listen. Of course I can only speak for myself but my experience has taught me that if I keep talking, asking questions, being open and honest with myself and others and listen to what others say to me the less denial I can be in and the more growth (acceptance and understanding) I gain. Self hatred begins to melt away and will be replaced with hope and peace.

I encourage you to keep plugged into our groups. It helps everyone!

Alasdair, glad to hear there's someone out there that feels the way I do. We'll get through this somehow. And I hope one day I'll be in a male body.

Quote from: Josh T on June 02, 2011, 04:28:15 PMI also want to transition as soon as possible but at the same time I don't want to somehow regret it.

You and me both!  I'm saving up for top surgery because those things have got to go, but the thought of a full, visible transition scares the heck out of me.  I'm in college and would love to be able to start my career as male, but fear of rejection, discrimination, etc. as well as a difficulty in expressing my feelings to others (family, friends) and fear of possible regret have been holding me back.  It's a frustrating combination of "Why aren't you started already, time's a-wasting!" and "I'm not sure!"

Quote from: Alasdair on June 02, 2011, 05:47:47 PM
I think the most important thing for anybody to do about any struggle they are facing is to talk about it with as many people as possible who understand and are willing to listen. Of course I can only speak for myself but my experience has taught me that if I keep talking, asking questions, being open and honest with myself and others and listen to what others say to me the less denial I can be in and the more growth (acceptance and understanding) I gain. Self hatred begins to melt away and will be replaced with hope and peace.

I encourage you to keep plugged into our groups. It helps everyone!

Alasdair said it pretty much perfectly.  Nobody can tell you what's right for you, but we can listen and share experiences.  Reading people's posts on here has been really helpful to me, as they bring up new questions for me to ask myself so I can better understand my own feelings.  It's also good to know you're not alone.

I think the most important thing you should remind yourself of, is that going to gender therapy is not a permanent start to transition. Talking to a therapist would help you make the decision of how/if/and when you transition. So, make the leap. Call up the therapist, and set up an appointment. Its not a commitment to transition, its a commitment to learn more about yourself, and thats always a good thing.

Ditto the gender therapist.

Nobody is going to make you transition.  Nobody can prevent you from transitioning, except yourself.  Talking to someone knowledgable can help enormously.

I seriously don't know how I would have handled it had I known about transition when I was 18.  I just thought I was weird.  being in my 40s helped make my decision to transtion easy; I knew how things would be if I didn't as I had already lived it and couldn't any more.

You have all the time in the world to figure out and decide who you are and what is right for your life.

Transition isn't for the feint of heart.  It is for those who truly can no longer live as they are and are willing to risk everything to be themselves.

Jay

I'm just going to second all of Jay's words because I admire him.  We have the same view on this, only I waited until I was 30. 

So much easier when I had a steady income, away from my parents, good insurance, and the maturity to handle the entire world turning on me.  That doesn't mean it was easy but I was better prepared. 

There is no rush and plenty of time to figure out who you are.  Just because you don't transition right this second doesn't mean you are any less transgender.  Waiting until your life is more stable and you are on your own two feet is actually the smart thing to do.  My advice is to get that degree because you will need it for a decent future.

@Squirrel698 I am saving up for an apartment and also top surgery. I can't stand it at home anymore. I know it's probably best to wait but then sometimes I just wish I could have it now. Well I don't even know where to start. I know I need to get over myself and get a therapist appointment. Just see how it turns out the first time.

@jessman3 like you said. It's not a permanent start to transition.