I'm sorry, but i need to kind of rant here.

So I just recently came out.   I thought that it was going to solve all my problems because I wouldn't have to keep pretending.
Well, I'm disappointed.
I'm 20.  I live with my Aunt and Uncle while I'm going to college.  And they were the ones I came out to, because they are very liberal and I already knew they had said that they were accepting of gays and trans.

Well even the day I came out to my aunt, she started telling me how, you know you have a lot of childhood issues, right?  And she wanted to me get therapy for that.  Well I told her I want gender therapy, not for childhood issues.  But she kept bringing it up.  Acting like she was ignoring that the therapist I'm going to see is strictly for gender issues and I don't want to talk about childhood issue.  Basically, I kept feeling like she was hinting that my being trans could be caused by childhood issues or I could just be confused because of childhood issues.  I mean she gave me this talk about how teenagers get confused about their bodies.  and I'm like... I'm 20. not 13.

I just thought it would be a relieve to be able to tell people.  But it's not.  Like, I have this neighbor who sometimes asks me to babysit.  and she's a real social, friendly person.  And she thinks that I don't know how to be a girl, so she's taken it upon herself to "help me", she buys me dresses and tries to invite me to girly places with her.  And I would actually really like to tell her that I'm trans so she would stop.  I kinda think that she would be okay with it.  She accepts gays.  I haven't heard her mention trans, though.
So I wanted to tell her, but my aunt and uncle were like, "Nooooo!  you can't tell anyone!"  They said she might not want me to babysit again. which is totally the last thing I care about.

But I wanted to come out and tell everyone.  Everyone in my life, at my school.  I just would rather people see me as trans, or even a freak, before they see me as a girl.  But my aunt and uncle don't want me to tell anyone at all.  especially not people in my family because it could "upset them."
And I'm here thinking, "you know, I didn't come out so you two could be in on my little secret.  I came out because I wanted to stop pretending."

Oh, and because of this thing for my school, I have to wear nice clothes, and I didn't have any.  So I went to buy some.  and my aunt is like pointing out these shoes to me, and I say, "...Those are girl shoes."  And she doesn't say anything.
But then she points out these women's slacks to me and says that with slacks they are gender neutral.  I didn't say anything, because I don't have the tolerance for that, it's better for me to not say anything. 
I don't care how gender neutral they look, I don't want them from the women's section.  Plus, they are tailored for a female's body, so they look female.  they would make my legs look female.  I don't want that.  And I don't get why she doesn't get that.

Like I said, I didn't come out so they could know my secret while everything stays the same.  I wanted to stop pretending, stop having to dress like a girl.

Oh, and my aunt made the worse comment ever a few days ago.  Because I have such bad period pain, she told me that if I would just have a baby, it would probably fix things and I wouldn't have pain.  Yeah, like I'm going to have a baby.  I told her in response that I'm getting a hysto.  I was so pissed.

I don't understand why she would say that.  I thought they would be more accepting than that.  And they wonder why I want to go FAR away to university next year.   They ask me, "who are you running from?" all innocent like.


I just don't know how to deal with them, or how to respond to them.
I don't know how to get it through to them that I want to tell EVERYONE that I'm trans.  I don't want to keep this a secret.
Maybe I should email them.  It's the same way I came out to them.  I can let all my words out in a relaxed state.  and they can take as much time as they need to think about their response.

That's enough to make the blood boil. You are not confused. You are not too young to understand. You are not a secret to be kept for them to "save face." You don't have to pretend so that they can go on denying it and disrespecting you.

I also like the written format for hard conversations, maybe that would be a good idea. But being firm and assertive about who you are on a day to day basis will probably force them to come to terms with things, albeit at a slower pace than would save you stress.

Maybe moving out would be a good idea for you. I know for me, moving out this fall was a good move, and allowed me for some space to explore my own identity and to express my gender freely. Away from home, I can also ask for my preferred name and pronouns without any drama. Living with my parents, my identity and body was policed, and it wasn't healthy for me. Sounds like it might not be healthy for you, either.

I was out to everyone in my life until I recently got a new job. It is such a great feeling to not have to pretend, to be able to say 'I don't wear women's clothes' pointedly to a friend or relo and have them drop it, because even if they don't like the reason, they know why. It's a great feeling to not have to lie or omit the truth.

Now my new boss is Macedonian, and he's a lovely guy, but he says a lot of things like 'You'll make a great woman one day!' and 'You need to get a nice husband to take care of you and have a baby!' just because that's what he thinks is a nice thing to say to a woman. I just know that he wouldn't get it, so I haven't said anything, and suddenly I'm back in a closet I'd been out of for over a year, so I know what you mean about that need to get it out in the open.

I say what you're doing is great, and don't let your aunt and uncle get in the way; it's your life, not theirs. It's your story to tell, not theirs to suppress, so if you want to tell people, go ahead and tell.

I sort of feel you on that.  I came out to my family a little over a month ago and they're mostly pretending it never happened.  They're still all calling me by my female name and calling me she, but I'm not FULLY transitioning yet (won't be going on T until next Spring because of work), so I'm not really pushing it yet.  But once I have a beard and a tenor voice (I'm not expecting anything lower) they'll just look weird calling me she.  My mother did tell one of my sisters she was going to "get me therapy", although she hasn't said anything to me about that.  It's kinda an empty threat, anyway, because a mother can't really get her 24-year-old who lives on the other side of the country most of the year therapy without their consent.  But she does say things to me like "you sould wear some earrings" or after I got my last haircut "you need to grow it out-- don't cut it anymore" and whenever a woman with a short haircut is on tv she says "she has really short hair" like she's trying to assure me that I can be a woman and still have short hair.  Idk....  It's annoying.  But I'm sure eventually, especially once I get on T or get top surgery, she'll get used to the idea or just realize I'm serious about it.

Thanks all for your responses.  And I am moving out next summer because I'll be going away to University then.  I have a job, but all my money goes to college, so I can't afford to live by myself.
But when I do go away, it will be so nice to be able to just introduce myself to people as a guy, even if I don't pass and they only know I'm trans, that's better than not knowing and calling me a girl.

But I don't think I can wait another year.  I think maybe I will just start telling people, whether or not my aunt and uncle like it.
The only thing I can see them on is them not wanting me to tell my grandparents, because it indeed would "upset" them, and they are already old and dying.  And if I do start telling extended family, word might get back to them.  While I agree it would be better for them for them to die never knowing about me being trans, I just can't use that as an excuse to not tell anyone else.  I guess if someone else tells them, I'm not responsible for what happens.

I kind of know the feeling too. Sometimes my boyfriend really harps on the whole childhood thing, like he thinks that all my problems come from childhood. He's tried to insist that I was molested because that's the only reason any woman ever gets fat.  It's like, seriously?! Get real!

Maybe when others use the childhood excuse, it must be a way of belittling your thoughts, feelings and opinions, by trying to turn those into some kind of problem rather than accept that your thoughts, feelings and opinions are valid.

But I also wish I could just come out and tell everyone to refer to me as a guy, because I absolutely hate being thought of as a girl. Especially since a lot of people around me have really backwards and old-fashioned ideas about women. i.e. weak, helpless, hysterical under pressure, always in distress, etc. I REALLY hate people thinking that those negative attributes apply to me!! Aaarrggh!

But the problems for me coming out are, living in an intolerant area, that my home address is posted on a lot of trolling sites where trolls gather as someone to be harassed and physically harmed as it is - without the issue of being trans (people want me dead just for what I look like, zomg a fat girl who doesn't dress like a girl, kill it!), and my boyfriend... Who I've told him a few times before that I'm a guy, that this is what I want and everything. But it's not my fault if he blows it off and puts it out of his mind entirely, right? Sometimes I feel bad about the fact that he doesn't know (or doesn't understand, rather), that I am going to transition. But then again, the only way it's going to get through to him, I think will be after the fact, one day when I have facial hair and a deeper voice, because he chooses to live in denial as if I've never told him that I'm trans.  SIGH. So yeah, I feel like I'm stuck until I can move far away, which I don't see happening anytime soon, because as long as I'm legally female, I won't be given a job because I'm not a hot chick. So I'm stuck as far as I can see for now.

Yeah, here in Croatia, it's better than that, but still not great... I wish I could just be relaxed with people...just tell them, yeah, I'm a guy... if they inquire further, just tell them that I'm trans, or better yet, that I have a girl body, but I'm really a guy (that makes it sound like what it really is, instead of some freak/sick person/etc). Also, I'd like if people responded in a relaxed way... like, I don't want them to be over-the-top supportive, or over-the-top critical, because it all seems either fake or ignorant. Instead, I'd like some honesty... like, for instance, someone that's really close to you and might be understanding - I don't want to FEEL their effort and their thoughts about gender when referring to me... if it comes out as she, so be it, just let it flow, it'll adapt with time as they start actually SEEING you as male. That's how I see it somehow... On the other hand, when those close to me DO say she, it also feels like they're just ignoring me... So, maybe it's all paranoia. Reading their "he" comments as forced attempts to call me as I wish (and not the way they actually see me) and reading their "she" comments as deliberately ignoring me and my identity (and not as slip-ups because it's what they've called me for years). Maybe the issue is with me. A fear that no one is really SEEING me as male and is just either ignoring me or pretending to "play along". SOMETIMES I don't feel this with my partner, but do other times (namely when with other people, regardless of whether I'm out to them or not).

So, I just wish I could come out to everyone and that people would actually SEE things through my eyes. But maybe that's just wishful thinking... or maybe it won't change until I actually transition and give them PHYSICAL evidence of being male so they can actually start seeing it themselves.

It's such a difficult state to be in. It makes me question whether or not to transition. Well, that among other issues like causing pain/hardship to those around me. A fear that transition might mess-up such a great, lovely relationship. Really making me consider what I should do - whether to transition or just take further steps to make myself appear more male (e.g. try those voice exercises that might help make my voice sound a bit deeper, etc.)...

Quote from: okydoky on June 06, 2011, 09:34:27 PMIt's such a difficult state to be in. It makes me question whether or not to transition. Well, that among other issues like causing pain/hardship to those around me. A fear that transition might mess-up such a great, lovely relationship. Really making me consider what I should do - whether to transition or just take further steps to make myself appear more male (e.g. try those voice exercises that might help make my voice sound a bit deeper, etc.)...

In no way am I saying this to minimize your feelings, but transitioning is about you and your emotional and physical well-being, not anybody else. I can relate from where you're coming from, though. I'm in a steady relationship in which I recently came out, and it has been really difficult (though it's getting better, and we're still together). I thought about just making my appearance more male/masculine strictly through non-medical means, not because that's what I prefer, but because I feared losing my girlfriend and my family. But I realized I would be miserable if I didn't start to do this, for me. You can ease others into things, but you shouldn't put off your happiness long-term just because it might be a difficult adjustment for others.

I'm sure you're right, Mikah... I guess I'm just not ready yet to fully dump it on everyone. I'll just take it slow, and I'm sure I'll just know when the time is right. Perhaps when everything lines up so that I actually can start transition - because, right now, I can't quite yet. Partially due to medical care reasons, partially due to my partner's and my plans to have offspring that in some ways will be related to us both (e.g. one of us makes the "donation" and the other carries the child - we actually are thinking of both playing each role once if possible). In any event, regardless of my role (whether the donating or carrying partner, and especially if both), I should hold off on starting medical transition until the little ones are born. Ideally, after that is when I'd love to start, but I'll just give myself time until then to kind of work things out for me - to see whether I can be happy somewhere midway, or if transitioning is the only answer for me. The only thing I know for sure is that if I didn't have any people in my life, if I was 100% alone, I'd definitely begin transition ASAP. Which obviously says that it is right FOR ME, I'm just wondering whether it's NECESSARY. Perhaps I can try and make things work so that I'm happy even without transition. But like I said, I'll take it slow and see where life takes me.