I been really thinking about who I am, and my journey in life. Well I think I carry a whole lot of dislike to the idea of transsexuality, since I see so many that cannot pass and that just bothers me. Then I see women like Miriam and Vaniity who can pass and look beautiful. Then I think being a transsexual isn't as hard if you can look like them... if I could resemble as a true GG woman. I look at my physical current body, and think I could pass with FFS.  But then the fears of my family out right rejecting me comes to my mind, and I am ashamed to even think I am a transsexual (and it's been 3 years now and it will not go away, so I think it's going to be with me forever. I look the same since then).

A guy today was speaking to me, and mention some name, and  I asked who it was. Some guy who plays football, and I can't recall his name now. But he was laughing because he thought I was living under a rock, when I just don't watch football or any sports.

I realize while working with women, that I am more feminine than they are. Well the ones I work with are kind of masculine, but they are still women. One talks about fighting people, another went to the army, and another one has tattoos all her body (she's also was a truck driver). This is at the factory job, you know the one I talked about there were hideous women and African American men were attracted to me. I don't think they are attracted to my looks , but to my essence, assuming they are straight. I really do not belong in this body, and I feel trap a bit.

I am desperate for a man to love me at this point in my life, and it's even stronger than the transsexual issue. And now that I can see transsexual women can be loved, it doesn't seem so scary to transition

I don't need a therapist to deal with my issues, since I need to solve them myself. But these are facts now.

1) I am a transsexual woman. I am not suicidal. But I pretend that my youth covers enough of being feminine and womanly, so I go with men 2 or 3 times my age to feel more feminine (well not go but have online relationships)
2) I do not want to face family rejection, but at the same time I need to fix this issue. If they reject they reject.
3) Career-wise... I want to help people like a psychologist. I just finished high school.

I have no money....

But I can get a guy to let me stay at his place for free, in tons of states. Dating websites are awesome for this.

I just don't know how to get from point A to point B.

so you are working the factory job, but have no money? i would also mention that you describing it as "point a to point b" is not a good way to go, because who knows when they've arrived at this "point b" you are explaining. if you want to start transition, i would say that it's important to have 2 things answered. "do you feel this is the right thing for you?" it sounds to me like you have that one answered. the next one is, "are you willing to accept the consequences?" it sounds like you aren't quite there. i would work on that before jumping into it, because transition can be harsh if you are not prepared to be in that stage of life. if you want to become a psychologist, that would involve school. it would involve school, and needing to obtain degrees. i found that this is a relatively good sequence of events. 1. coming out to the certain people you feel are necessary to come out to 2. start dressing in the clothing of the gender you identify with, and gradually work your way to doing this full time. 3. start going by a female name 4. look into hormone replacement therapy (requires a therapist.) obviously, there's some more in between, but most of what i listed requires money. i would say you should find out about how to get into the careerline of therapy, and have a job at the side that you are getting money from. take the transition as you can get it. unfortunately, the idea of just having all this money and a perfect window of opportunity to do every single thing you want to do that will make you feel the woman you desire to be is far from realistic. that is why it is a transition, and not something that all gets done in one period of time where you can say you've arrived at a "point b."

Well, Spacey already said some of the things I wanted to say, but I have more to add x3

A therapist is still important because he/she will help you sort out your issues in your moment of weakness.  Also, if you decide to transition, therapists are important for verification as well as for, most importantly of all, being there for when you actually transition.
Ignoring all social stigmas that are/aren't around as much as they seem to be, or that your body will be stressed with rematuring itself, transitioning functions as a huge workload to the mind.  The process of going from male into female definately will be smoother if you can have some support.

--Be careful about being with men.  It's a nasty entanglement.  Online relationships ARE relationships, after all.
--If you don't want to face family rejection, try to sensitize and educate them.  It's hard to say what's appropriate to say and when, but a lot of TS agroing comes out of confusion and fear.  Fear that someone is messed up, that they screwed up, or something like that, and confusion because it is such an unnatural thing for a "cisgender" to not be very cis.
--Career-wise, look into colleges.  Do it immediately. D: Don't put it off! D:  You don't -HAVE- to immediately dig into colleges and stuff, you just need to do your research and understand what it's about.  Also look at federal financial aid, because there's grants and stuff that will make financial hardships a lot less of hardships when it comes to college.

As for the guy to let you stay, I would strongly discourage twirling men around your fingers. :\ It's disrespectful, and stirs vengeance.  The WORST situation you can be in, is to put someone you're playing with in a lot of power to strike you down over doing it.  ---A situation like that gets real ugly real quick, and I say it more out of my concern of safety than my sense of morals when I say you should dismiss staying with men for free as options. (Not to mention, that you're talking about doing this after mentioning you're meeting these men as a woman, despite lack of transition.  If you suddenly come to them and they see a guy when they expected a woman, that can get downright dangerous.)

staying with men for free

You must pay for everything in this world, one way and another. There is nothing free except the grace of God.

Mattie Ross in True Grit.

Quote from: tekla on June 09, 2011, 01:41:18 AM
staying with men for free

You must pay for everything in this world, one way and another. There is nothing free except the grace of God.

Mattie Ross in True Grit.

I don't really believe in God, I used too, but not anymore.

But it's good for your self esteem, I come to the computer and I am bombarded with messages from my dating profiles. IMs from my yahoo is becoming flooded, and I think, "Oh I have so MANY OPTIONS! Where am I going to go? Oh this guy is 6'2, or this guy is 6'7, this guy is a doctor, this guy is a business owner, this guy is offering me a home for nothing in California, oh this guy is from New York, Idaho, Indiana, Wisconsin!! This guy is from the Netherlands! Oh this guy is going to make me hot. Oh this guy will buy me clothing. Oh this guy is a weirdo".


On and on......  It's fun really.

Be careful, hon. Not everyone works 25 hours a day and is too busy to go out and meet people. All you know for sure is that they can type, and even that's not a certainty.

If it is too good to be true. It isn't true.

People are lead by wishes and desires. Most of which are poorly understood, never appreciated, or committed to.

Cindy

I just found a new guy... this one is different from the masses. He's inter-sexed, he's poor (he has back problems and is on SS), and he's looking for real love .

He told me he'll love me the same way as a guy and as a woman.... (well he didn't say love but his feelings won't change).

I guess this guy is cool. lol. Now I went through all these guys and come up with this, how shocking.

Honey,
You are bouncing from guy to guy. Your hormones are raging. You are at the female age of really wanting physical attention. But be careful. We have all been screwed, in one way or another.  It's quite easy for guys. They have a really nice orgasm,  kiss you, or don't; then fall asleep. We carry the consequences a little further, both emotionally and physically.

He  had a good f*** I wanted romance. He'll call me tomorrow because he likes me, and wants to know me an develop a relationship? Or he'll take me out to dinner so he can shag me again.


Guess which.

Be careful

Cindy