Maybe I am bi polar all of a sudden?

Lately Ive fallen into this cycle where I definetley identify as female. Even when I see pics of women, I think about how I could steal her look. However, when I go to work, being a man benefits me. My muscles, my pain tolerance, it all makes my job easier, and in turn makes me very successful at what I do. My wife said it best. I only liky my man side as a tool. No, I dont mean I am a complete tool :-)  I mean that being a man has helped me find success.

I wish I could be content just being half and half, but everything about me, other than work wants to be 100% female. Even in the face of losing everything. I am ready. More than I have ever been. Does anyone else do this, as far as work is concerned?

Ive thought about simply transitioning and then playing ftm at work. The only two things that I can think, well 3 things, that I can think would give me away, are:

weight loss, because I am 5'11 200 and I will be 160, if not 155
eyebrows, because I dont shape them, but I want to soo badly, so I can look pretty.
breasts, because they will spurt. The average cup size in my family is C, so I am pretty sure I will have a B :-)

Also my ass will get bigger, which it is already perfect, if my hips take shape, I will have a beautiful ass.


Am I tripping, should I even care?

Sometimes I get very scared and other times I say ->-bleeped-<- them, I am who I am and it shouldnt matter if I am male or female, or anything in between.

I can certainly relate to your post. I'm the same height and almost the same weight and there are definately advantages to having a lot of strength and endurance. A year ago I could bench press 315 pounds and I had an incredible amount of strength. I have been on HRT for 6 months and I would be amazed if I could press 200 lbs.

I wish I could keep the strength and just give up the muscle mass but they kinda go together so I will gladly give up the muscle and strength so I don't look like a linebacker in a dress. I still have a lot of muscle to loose but I'm slowly getting there.

I plan on leaving my job in a few months since it wont be a very transition friendly place.  I have already had to change the kind of shirts that I wear because my boobs are really starting to look obvious. Luckily, it works out that I can wear a Magellan fishing shirt with a company logo on it. It has double layer double pockets on the front and hides the boobs pretty good.. lol.

I noticed that I end up carrying a lot of things in my workplace casually, that all of the women simply refuse to carry, and they're amongst the heavier things...Seeing that really scares me about transition, because I hear about loss of muscle strength, and I worry about how it'll hurt my performance.  On top of that, it's probably not going to be good to be face-to-face with customers while transitioning, and I end up spending a chunk of time on that...

But...it's like with you.  I feel convinced I'm going through it, so I'm going through it.
It's simply not worth it to continue playing 'man' just to make life convenient, when it's so much more than just 'inconvenient' on the inside. ^^ What will be will be, I say just figure it out as you go along, because your path is set and nobody has a right to fight that.

My advice is to look at who are you are and want to be, rather than what you want to be able to do (physically speaking, not talking about goals and dreams).

I never had upper arm strength.  At my peak, I could bench a max of 60 pounds but could squat nearly 500.  Still, I was able to carry 2 six-packs of Mountain Dew bottles, a gallon of milk, and three or four grocery bags in one hand without too much strain.  But just two nights ago, my arm got numb carrying just one six-pack of bottles and a single bag of groceries.  Now, going through the store, I usually carry the basket with two hands instead of one because I can't hold all the groceries in one hand anymore.

Some people might find that distressing, but I kind of like it.  It helps me feel just a little more feminine.  It's not that I believe women are weak (FAR from it) but that I don't want to feel like a brute with guy strength.   My hands were strong where my arms were weak, now they all just kind of match.

What you should look for is ways to make yourself match your own self-image, whatever that may be.  After all, that's what transition is all about.

Zoe, Ive seen some of your pics, your kidding me right? You benched 600 pounds? Did the HRT really decrease your muscle that much?

I know. 3 questions. :-)

Quote from: jillian on June 09, 2011, 06:34:42 PM
Zoe, Ive seen some of your pics, your kidding me right? You benched 600 pounds? Did the HRT really decrease your muscle that much?

I know. 3 questions. :-)

No, no... I could bench 60 pounds max.  I know that could easily be mistaken for a typo, but it wasn't.   My arms are that pathetically weak and have been my whole life. lol

:-(   for a second I thought there was hope.

lol, your right it wasnt a typo.

My shoulders and biceps are big and muscular, my forearms are big too. My legs are perfect, I think anyways.
Im doing hydroxycut, and practically starving myself, although I do suffer from bouts of the munchies. 
the good thing is, I am feeling good. Still slightly manic lol but, Im being mostly positive.

dam....realizing you typed 60 pounds, is the same feeling of thinking it was friday on thursday...

Could always learn how to use your feminine wiles to get people to carry things for you.

Well me, I never got over 66 pounds on a bench press. Granted it wans't a single lift but a series of 10.

In only two months of HRT I find my strength loss has been dramatic as well. I continue to lose muscle and sometimes I have muscular pain because of it. Groceries is where I see it the most as well, I never use a basket anymore.

I would cross that bridge when you come to it. No use fretting if it will have so much of an effect on you so much later down the road. If you feel ready to become 100% a woman then there is no room to have a percentage for not being a woman at work. When you transition LOTS of things change and everything is different. You would never have guessed it. What you are worrying about now may not even be a part of your life when it comes time to deal with that bridge. If in your heart you want to change your gender then nothing literally nothing in the world should stop you. I know now, what I didn't know when I started, that if I had to be forced not to be allowed to transition I would without question commit suicide. So what kind of option would that be because I wanted to be a little stronger at work.