My boyfriend told me about three months ago that he is transgendered and he has known since he was a preteen, but hid it from everyone. We've been dating for over 4 years. I'm not exactly sure what I expect to get out of support from everyone on this website, but I'm not sure where to go other than my first therapist appointment I have this Thursday and I definitely can't wait to talk to someone until then. Initially he told me that he wanted to work with his therapist on accepting his body the way that it is, and said that he did not have any interest in making any big changes. He just wanted me to know, but that none of it would essentially affect me. Over the last couple months, what he said changed because he came to terms with what he wanted. He's growing out his hair, piercing his nails, shaving his legs... all things that I support and I'm glad that he's doing because it makes him happy. I just feel really torn now. He is talking about taking estrogen to see if it helps the way he's feeling about himself, and I completely support the decisions he makes that will inevitably make him happy but I'm unsure if I want to be in this relationship long term anymore. I need some help. I'm lost.

Dear  Becky,

In my humble opinion, it seems he is a transsexual, a female borne into a male body. She would not be at peace until her body matches her gender.

I can tell from your posting that you care for her and you love her, however, since probably you are a heterosexual female, your options at this point are all hard an painful.

There are few cases in which the cis-female (you) remains marriage to the trans-woman and helps her transition into a full female, and then, they live together afterward in love and happiness. This is a hard path both, full of pain and challenges, but certainly not devoid of joy and discoveries.

The alternative is for you to seek counseling to see if if you could love and live with woman, and then make a quick decision, stay and go.

Hugs,

Kate D

Many times, significant others feel betrayed, lied to, and left behind.  And they are all valid feelings.  But you need to decide what you want out of the relationship.  Can you be in a relationship that maybe judged as lesbian?  How much do you care for your boyfriend.

It is just as hard for us as it is for our SO.  We don't wish to lose them, but if we don't include them, then they can feel like we are keeping things from them.  We have learned over a lifetime to just keep our mouths shut.  Hopefully you two will stay together.  It is really hard to lose someone, on both sides.

Find your own therapist, if you need too.  And make sure that they have a background in Transsexual issues.  A regular therapist does not have the knowledge to deal with this.

Blessing on both of you.

Some people come to terms with it, their partner has changed gender, and even if they are not gay themselves they love that person enough that they manage. It is not easy though.

Awesome that you are trying to find support for this. It is ok to admit it if you don't want a female partner, even if it is the person you love.

My advise, take it one step at a time, be involved in your partners decisions. You will have bad days and good days. Talk to him about the possibility that you may cross a line somewhere that you no longer want to be their partner. It does not have to turn into a hateful thing because it is nobodies fault, and being transgendered is something that is terribly difficult to deny.

I think it is awesome that you are supportive, make sure you look after yourself too.

Hugs!!!

Nicole

becky
hugs first of all every one affected by this condition is emotionally hurt angry and confused. It is not an easy path he is embarking on and he may not even know how far he is going. your feelings are valid and important as well but let me tell you how it can also go this will be a little lengthy but hear me out please i first started to transition at 14 with in two months of telling my parents i was on the street shortly their after i was attacted shot and left for dead. i survived with the help of a female friend i grew up with she came to the hospital to see me she visited me as i recovered. after the attack i put away any thought of transition and eventually she stopped asking me why. later we dated in high school and after joining the military i asked her to marry me. it has been 25 years now we have three grown kids. i am transitioning now after a severe breakdown that resulted in me almost killing myself this is the alternative your bf faces it will never do away it will get worse as he gets older the only chance he has is to transition as far as he needs too to be able to live his life my wife and i have a wonderful life together and she feels that restarting my transition should have occured long ago it can work out if you want it too and you truly love him
jessi

Hi Becky,

I'm so glad you found us! What you've posted here sounds so much like the emotions I went through when my husband told me that he(she) needed to transition...after so many years of INSISTING that nothing would ever change, and that he'd(she'd) never need to do anything with these transgender feelings.
It can feel like a betrail but know that at the *time* that those words were said...they were likely said with *absolute* honestly. Many (if not most, if not all!) trans people feel they can "beat this" and keep going in the life of their birth sex.
If you choose to embark from here on this journey through gender transition there will definitly be high parts and low parts. My advice to you would be to be as honest as can be, without being brutal. (though sometimes...brutal honesty can be needed!)
Your feelings are valid, they are important and you need to make sure to take time for you. I'm glad to hear that your going to therapy. That's wonderful. Check and make sure that this therapist has worked with transgender people, and preferably has worked with spouses of trans people before as well. The needs, the feelings, the processing is very different and important. The first therapist I went to had never had any trans clients and kept reminding me of how important this is for my spouse and how supportive I *should* be...it was horrible and made me feel even worse...rather than moving forward toward *being* supportive. I dumped that therapist and found someone really really wonderful who's helped me be supportive, allowed me to vent all my feelings and frustrations and work through them.
From the outside (and perhaps from the inside as well...) transition moves both so slowly...and so so fast all at once! While I don't want to scare you, or make you feel like you can't do this, or shouldn't do this... (as that's only for you to choose what you need in life and what you can handle) transition really does effect *everything* about your mate. It's not just the physical that changes. It's the mind, the senses, the skin, the feelings, heck...even tastes and likes/dislikes in food!!
However...it's a beautiful thing to watch someone bloom into themselves. To really release the biggest stress they've ever been packing around...and what a gift to *you* that your welcome into this scary, frightening time of walking into the unknown. That you are trusted, and a safe, welcoming person. Truely it is a gift to be present (even when it doesn't feel like it.)
I've gone on quite long enough....please, don't hesitate to private message me if you'd like. (Private messages can be exchanged once you've posted 15 times.) Keep posting, keep talking, keep being honest and keep taking time for you. *huge huge hugs*

Welcome to Susans. I am Sevans spouse.
When I first started to consider transition I told Sevan a bunch of stuff that turned out to not be the truth in the long run. At the time I made promises to not transition, to not take hormones, not seak surgeries....it was true. Then I had time to consider what I really needed to maintain sanity and soon all those promises were broken.

Sevan is everything to me. I can not even begin to tell you how much it hurt to make promises to Sevan that I had to break. But I really didn't have much of a choice. I was literaly against a wall, transition or die. So I chose to live. Luckily for me Sevan stayed and we have become stronger as a couple. But I would have understood if I would have been left. Changing sex is a big thing to drop on a spouses lap.

I hope that things go as well for you and your spouse as possible.

I understand exactly what youre going through.  The same thing just happened to me.  My boyfriend wants me to stay with him as he follows his path to transition.  I love him with all my heart, but I can't see myself in a relationship with a woman.  I want you to know that your not alone, and if you want to talk about this...I will listen and be here for you as we both come to grips with our situations and figure out where were headed from here.