I feel this way a lot... I do at times really miss my old self.  I miss the simplicity of being him, having more of my old friends and my family around.  I miss the way that I got to interact with people as him,  peeing standing up, and I miss flirting with girls.  It was nice to just wake up and go, and although I rarely wear makeup now, it still seems to take me a lot longer to get ready.... and I seem to care a lot more about it =P  I also miss his independence... even though I was a small boy, I am an even more tiny girl... and I feel vulnerable when I go outside by myself.  As him I never really had thoughts like "oh I hope I don't get attacked, or sure hope nobody tries to rape me..." but now I have those thoughts. and they make me fearful at times.

However, if I were to suddenly, somehow, revert back to being a boy overnight... I would miss the freedom to be myself now.  I would miss looking in the mirror and liking the person I see... and even feeling pretty at times.  I would miss being able to smile, laugh and interact with people as I feel comfortable.  As a boy I hid my emotions and I refused to smile because it made me appear so feminine, and I thought it would give me away.  I would miss the ability to dress up, even though it's a rare occasion that I do... I like the option =)  I would miss the friends I have who truly accept me for who I am, and I'd also miss flirting with boys =P  However, I would NOT miss bras, crying for no reason, or peeing sitting down =)
 

I can't live in the past. He coped as well as he could with courage and bravery, but she is my present and future, with more courage and bravery,  and love for her fellow beings, which he could not express and she finds it so easy to do.

Cindy

I'm glad you started this post; I've been thinking the same thing recently.  I know what you mean about it being like a character who's story ended without a conclusion.  I'm glad I came out, and I don't want to go back to trying to be someone I'm not, but I sort of miss her at times.  I guess it's mostly that I put so much effort into trying to be a girl, and I made it work as well as possible, so I dislike losing all of that work.  Also, I had some good times as a girl, and I connected with people as a girl, so I still think back on those times fondly, even though it's sad to think that I could have been so much happier just being myself. 

I am not far along myself, but... I kill off important characters in my stories all the time. Everytime I do, I feel a little bad especially if there is no good climax from their death, but I feel it is important so I do it.

I think if I progress more forward I may feel the way the OP does, though it is hard for me to think there is anything I could miss about the "male" me, but I am the sentimental type and I do even miss my villain characters when I kill them off, so it makes sense that I would, even if it is hard to imagine.

Funny I thought I was strange for thinking/feeling this; I sometimes wish the male and female parts of me could have been divided into two people, with me of course the resulting female, leaving the "male" side of me intact but free from the conflict of having me inside him. He could continue the life he was living, only happier, and I could go on and fully blossom and be myself.

I won't say I miss who I was, not at all, but I do understand how you feel about "killing off" someone that was an integral part of your life-- in my case-- for 40 years.

As someone said, he wasn't a bad guy, after all, he just had a problem that messed with his life and his ability to be happy.

Yeh I myself find myself there.   I don't regret this transition least for myself, but regret it on my family.  I also do miss certain things... because... well kinda emberrased to admit but I have always been a very emotional and sensitve person I guess and while it wasn;t easier to deal with these emotions before started transition there was less fear of how others would think of it.   and am finding myself right now in this cycle of anxiety, and depression and unfortunantly it's making it difficult to get things done need to do.   I talk to my therapist about these issues but long these issues plague me it makes it difficult to work on actually resolving some things that would eleiviate at least some the stresses.  Would love to get everything done and only have to work on getting emotional well being together.  Right now it's a torent of both as I am physically passing to everyone when I go out but in my own home in rl but when i am home alone and sometimes talking to people online I feel like am fragile.

It's hard because I'm like a guy shouldn;t be this way but I am and I think maybe I am trying to hard in much the same way I tried and failed to be a girl everyone expected me to be, I am trying to hard to be the expected socially accepted guy and not relaxing and just being myself.  Thing is I'm not sure anymore who I am.   I was somewhat androgonous as a young child but more towards the boyish side before I ever cared about anything genderwise, girl was just a name not an identity.   I was innocent and unknowing and uncaring what the world thought.   Yeh as started getting older I indentified more with the boys but of course I was being told i was a girl.  In a way what i miss is not carring what anyone thought and just being myself.   I'm not a girl, but I just want be comfortable in myself as a guy not worried about what everyone else thinks I should be doing as a guy.  I dono.  When i'm out I put on the tough face, but when I am home I am broken. 

So guess I do miss the boy when I was a kid.  Yeh I called myself a girl even then but in some ways i was still a boy without saying so or knowing why I was the way i was.   even if even then I was emotional and issues of confidence.  The girl I tried to be for a time was more in my teens and was so strange to me, and left a print on me that makes me bit uneasy.  Habits that picked up then that still trying figure how to... well finding myself having difficulty learning how to express myself without the girl habits picked up in my teens. 

  No, a good part of him is still there.  Despite the troubles I went through, my male part did not do those things that my generation did.  Free love with it's many partners, drugs, alcohol, and some of the other things my generation did that my parent's generation (WWII, Great Depression) for the most part did not.  I guess I am keeping the good part of him, even though my body and mind are slowly feminizing.  I just realized that when my little brother wants me to be his best man at his wedding next week.  I may not crossdress at all in the for-seeable future.  I don't have a stitch of women's clothing anyway, I guess I didn't want any. 
  I will still take the HRT for a long time to come because I do not want to be the mind fogging, bad part of my former self that made me felt unclean, unholy, unworthy and unwelcome!  The same thing that brought on the depression, GIRD, anxiety, and probably trashed my prostate!  All of those bad things things have not appeared since January.  I didn't have this kind of relief for this amount of time, not even on those 4 antidepressants that were fed me, not even close!     
  Joelene

Quote from: Sylvester on June 07, 2011, 09:24:20 PM
I've been thinking about this and am wondering if anyone else feels this way.  I'm pretty detached from who I was pre transition, she wasn't me at all and I have no desire to be her again, but in a way I miss her.  I think back on that time and it's kind of like she's an old friend who isn't around anymore, or like I'm a writer who spent years developing a character, but her story just kind of ended with no real conclusion.  I guess I can see where parents of trans people are coming from when they say they feel like their son or daughter has died.  I don't regret coming out or transitioning at all, but I kind of wish I could have just separated myself from her, and let her continue on as her own person.  Does this make any sense and does anyone else here feel this way?

Wow, I share this feeling.  Each sentence you said really struck a chord in me. 

I'm the kind of person who hates permanent goodbyes/endings.  On top of that I tend to form positive memories of difficult times, as long as they made me a stronger person. 

Before I knew transition was possible, I truly tried to be the best son to my parents that I knew how to be.  I had my own image of what a guy should be with admirable qualities (which now I know I admired for a different reason), and I gave this individual an actual existence until he was in college.  I totally understand what you mean about a character's story randomly left off in the middle of his/her journey through life.

In an ideal world, with the ability to switch your biological sex at any time, I don't think it would bother me too much to let him come around a few days each month.  ...Or since he was a really hot guy we could split into two people and have fun with each other.  *receives weird looks*  Oh come on, I'm joking, but we used to be in the same body anyway so what's wrong with it?   

No! not at all.
Why would I missing pretending and lying to everyone including myself about who I was?

I haven't transitioned yet, but I miss some stuff that I never thought twice about while I knew that I was a boy inside but too dense to put 2 and 2 together. Like sleepovers with my friends. I feel like I shouldn't do that now since I was raised by my parents to think that's wrong.

I don't think I'm killing my female part though, since my male part has always been with me making sarcastic comments about what my female part would do.

It makes it sound like split personalties, I just think it's me double thinking everything. Actually arguing with myself XD

I just know that I'm still me no matter what. The difference is me only living for other(me as a female) and living for myself(me as a male).

I don't think I'm making sense. lol, if I AM crazy, I'm having fun with it~