Okay,
So I was talking to my friend about my transgender issues that I've been trying to deal with. I was explaining to her that I want therapy and to go on T and surgery, just that I'm terrified of all of it, but I do want it. SO bad. I'm fed up with everything. Then she was trying to come up with a bunch of reasons for me to NOT transition fully. She was saying transgendered people have it harder than anyone else. Even harder than gay people. She was saying that hormones mess up your body and was telling me that she thinks I'm doing this just to impress this girl I like and to get out of being a girl because "girls have it hard". This upset me. Before I talked to her about surgery, she knew I was bi and that I was having transgendered feelings. She was so supportive. But now after I told her about me wanting surgery she doesn't seem supportive at all. It hurts because she was the only one I could talk to about this kind of stuff. Why doesn't she support me now? What should I do about this? Also how do I get over my fear? I phoned the doctor the other day to schedule my very first therapist appointment but then I chickened out and cancelled. I figured how was I going to talk to my therapist in person if I can barely talk to her over the phone. But now I just feel like I'm back at step one. Please help. Btw, I did not intend to offend anyone in this..

It may just be that she's afraid of "losing you as a girl friend". This is pretty common, I had a couple of my male friends freak out on me when I first told them, and do exactly the same: come up with apparently reasoned arguments why it's a bad idea - only to admit later on that they were just upset about it. She may come round given a little time to get used to the idea, so my advice is don't try to convince her (she'll just dig her heels in further), just get on with it and let her know what's going on, and act as if she's supportive.

It's weird how people come up with the "it will make your life harder" argument, as if they think you don't know this already - and then I just point out to them: well, knowing this, you can see how much it must mean to me, can't you, given that I'm prepared to go through with it anyway?

I hope you can overcome your fear of going to the therapist, and try it and see how it is - what we imagine is always scarier than the actual experience, and it's great (if you have a good therapist) to have someone you can really talk to about this stuff who isn't a part of your life, and doesn't have their own agenda. Go for it .

Sigh. I agree with Padma. Also sometimes friends do not want to see you hurt and in their weird way try and convince you to choose a different path. I had a friend who always poked fun at me for not being girly, getting mistaken for being a guy, having a more manly then feminine body, etc. It was pretty lighthearted but obviously she saw me as more on the male spectrum than female. When I told her I planned on transitioning, it was all of sudden well "your so feminine, you don't act like a guy" etc. She even went as far as to make fun of me for possibly going bald on t and having small....parts....ya know. It really hurt our relationship. I've only been on T like a month but after she saw that the first shot or so of T didn't suddenly make me any different, she apologized. She was just scared. Scared about how this would affect our friendship but also scared of how others would treat me. As a girl, she knows how girls are....how dating might be hard for me. She was scared that I won't be allowed over to family functions anymore (I often get invited to parties they have...we are in our mid 20's but her parents are very religious). Obviously, we haven't crossed any of those paths yet...but it's just usually due to fear. Give your friend time. Maybe try to point her in the right direction educationally. Find a good website or book at maybe show her that is not all what may be seen on Jerry Springer or Maury. I know it sucks to be patient with people when you have had to be patient with them calling you she or doing other things to upset you for years, but that's all you really can do. We know there isn't anything "wrong" with us and that our lives will most likely end up OK...but people who don't feel the way we do just don't quite get it. You need to give them time.

About your therapist fears and fears about the process. I've been there...a lot of us have. You just gotta do it. Once you go to your appointment and find someone you are comfortable with, you'll be wondering why you ever were scared.

Thanks guys, and bruce, my friend is actually very educated about this process... and I felt like she was trying to use all that information to scare me. I was very surprised at how much she knew. As for family, I'm also scared I won't get to be a part of it anymore. I think all the time about how I might not be supported in transitioning.

Josh - your concerns are valid. Keep your head up though....people may surprise you. Some people may take the new of your transition much better than anticipated....you never know.

Hm... I was going to say the average person doesn't know much about trans people except for what they see in the media, leading to negative opinions, and the thought that it'd be hard for someone to go through--so they would tell you that just because they are concerned for you and think they're trying to look out for your "best interest," as that would be their natural conclusion. But if your friend is educated about the whole process I don't really know why she would do that.

Sometimes being supportive means being brave enough to warn someone you love of the possible dangers involved. Maybe this friend just wants you to seriously think of all sides of this issue. Maybe if she saw you falter or hedge, it could give her affirmation that you aren't sure. I wouldn't say she isn't being supportive, because support isn't just about saying "yes you should do this and I will be here for you all the way."

I wasn't there to hear the conversation, but I wouldn't immediately assume-- based on what I read here-- that she won't be there when you need her.

@ April, true, but she did sound rather upset about it. Then again like you said she could have simply been upset about it and that's all. It might not mean that she doesn't support me.