I keep going through this, but it keeps seeming more and more like an illusion.

I want to be a woman soo bad, but I feel like I never will be.

I am practically starving myself to lose weight, I am self medicating with Sipro and estradiol, granted its a pretty low dose.

I keep looking at the hurdles, and myself and I wonder if its worth it?  I dont think I could live as a man though.

I keep thinking suicidal thoughts, and life just keeps adding pressures that arent even part of my transition.

At least financially I am okay, but jeez. WTF?  How come I can just sit here and cry? I never even cried when family members died.

I just want to be beautiful and it seems pointless at times, like I am wasting my time. Ill be 34 in november. The friends that I have told dont call me anymore, my wife outed me to her mom, and she did say she would accept me, she never said it to me. I seriously feel like jumping off a bridge, but there is no water here....

I wish I could die and be born again as a girl, this is so messed up.....

even my dog is messing with me, I keep coming home and he ->-bleeped-<-s in the house. He has a huge backyard...its like he just wants to <not allowed> with me, and then if I try to discipline him he pees all over the floor. I barely even spank him......


A long time ago after praying to god to change me, I typed that O would sell my soul so I could be a woman...do you think this is hell?   
All I want is to be female, I dont think it should be a big deal.

sorry, I need to vent. Im hurting....Im not looking for a reply, I know you girls are so nice, I just need to scream....

Hi Jillian,
My therapist is one of the few people I can say *anything* to. I am so happy to have found her. Even though I have been down this road for a long time we still meet regularly.

If you do not have a therapeutic relationship with a therapist I urge you to begin one. The pain can be lessened by a helping professional. Be good to yourself - don't go it alone.

Hugs across the miles,

Kim

And, um, please don't spank your doggie.

Quote from: jillian on June 22, 2011, 06:32:06 PM
I keep going through this, but it keeps seeming more and more like an illusion.

I want to be a woman soo bad, but I feel like I never will be.

I am practically starving myself to lose weight, I am self medicating with Sipro and estradiol, granted its a pretty low dose.

I keep looking at the hurdles, and myself and I wonder if its worth it?  I dont think I could live as a man though.

I keep thinking suicidal thoughts, and life just keeps adding pressures that arent even part of my transition.

At least financially I am okay, but jeez. WTF?  How come I can just sit here and cry? I never even cried when family members died.

I just want to be beautiful and it seems pointless at times, like I am wasting my time. Ill be 34 in november. The friends that I have told dont call me anymore, my wife outed me to her mom, and she did say she would accept me, she never said it to me. I seriously feel like jumping off a bridge, but there is no water here....

I wish I could die and be born again as a girl, this is so messed up.....

even my dog is messing with me, I keep coming home and he ->-bleeped-<-s in the house. He has a huge backyard...its like he just wants to <not allowed> with me, and then if I try to discipline him he pees all over the floor. I barely even spank him......


A long time ago after praying to god to change me, I typed that O would sell my soul so I could be a woman...do you think this is hell?   
All I want is to be female, I dont think it should be a big deal.

sorry, I need to vent. Im hurting....Im not looking for a reply, I know you girls are so nice, I just need to scream....

When your no good for yourself your definately no good for your dog. Maybe you might let your dog live elsewhere while you resolve your issues. As for selling your soul to become female that is the devil wanting to ruin you. Do not fall for that evil. God helped me transition. You just need a true friend who believes in you. You have the funds you say and thats the biggest part. Don't self destruct because the evil one wants that. God is love Love is God make a resting place in your heart for God/Love

I am here for you lil sis so please pray for direction and ask for help from those around you who have that God/Love in our hearts.

I can relate very well to how you're feeling right now. I felt almost the exact same way a couple of years ago. Now I'm full time, living happily and legally as Samantha, and life is treating me good.

It does get better.

Happiness is something you have to realize for yourself. You have a partner who seems to be supportive (though I have nothing to base that on except that you haven't mentioned any problems). You are making progress in your transition. You are financially stable. That's already a lot more than a lot of us get.

You can't be too impatient, transitioning is a long and difficult process. The hormones are almost magical, but they don't work overnight.

But I promise you, it really does get better.

I felt this way when my HRT was too low. I was having horrible problems with my thought processes and felt physically ill at some points.

Taking a "little bit" of spiro and estradiol isn't really a good idea imho. You need to take the "right" amount for your body. Within DAYS of my doctor doing blood work and adjusting my dosages I DRASTICALLY improved. My mood stabalized, my thoughts returned to normal non-dark ones (mostly), and I got on with life.

Please make sure you're at a good level of hormones for you. You might be doing yourself more harm by taking a small dose, than you would be by just not taking anything.

The other advice for finding someone you can tell everything to is excellent too. I don't know how I'd have made it this far, and this is not easy AT ALL even with all that support.