Hello my loves! New member and very happy to be here. Let me start with a little background. Let me apoligize now. This is going to get long. lol

I married my hubby on our anniversary of 3 years, and we have been married for over 9 years now. We had our kids, twin boys, almost 9 months to the day of our wedding. (LOL can you tell we were excited about tying the knot?) We, obviously, have a lot of history. Sharing your life with anyone for that long will make you think that you know that person inside and out. So, when he told me he thought of himself as a she... it kind of threw me for a loop. This realization came to him (and I say him, because that is what he was at the time) when a close friend of ours, who we knew as a crossdresser for many years, told us that he was going to start the process of transitioning MTF. My hubby saw how happy I was for our friend, how accepting I was, and it made him start to look into the similar feelings he was experiencing.

It has been almost a 9 months since my hubby came to me and told me of his possible crossdressing tendencies. Since that time, he did a lot of soul searching and realized it was a lot more than that. SHE identifies more with women, and see herself as a non-op MTF.

Now, at first, I had a hard time dealing with this. Logically, I understood it completely. The wrapper didn't match what was inside. It was hard to tell my emotions to follow suit. I am now at a point where I not only understand, but truly accept and am happy with where we are in our lives. BUT, I have one problem...

I haven't been able to be a participant in seeing her dressed. The few times in the past happened far before I was ready for them to, and always made me take ten steps back after I had struggled to take a single one forward. I feel completely ok with who my partner is, and am happy to give opinions when she is shopping online for new clothes and the like, but am terrified of being there when she actually dresses. I am scared that I will react just as I did before, and I don't want that to happen. It hurts us both and that is not something I want either of us to go through again.

Is it just me? Have any of you gone through the same thoughts/emotions? Part of me wonders if it is just a stark visual reminder of just how much our dynamic has changed, or if I am not really as ok with everything as I think I am. I really don't think that is the case, but it is still something that I fear.

So, am I nuts here? Or is this a 'normal' range of emotions to go through? I would love some input.

much love,
Wistful Life

It is not just you.. I am a biological female and my spouse (whom is starting the transition process currently) have been married for 6 years and together for almost 9 years. I want nothing more for HER to feel as comfortable as she has made me feel. At first I could not see HER put make up on or dress in female clothing because it hurt me too much. I felt like I was loosing the man I love. And in a way I was. BUT her and I have had millions of conversations about transitioning, she has helped me understand really and truly what this felt like to her and why. I am okay with saying "Bye" to the man I feel in love with because just with me accepting her all the way will bring out the best part of my spouse I have never seen before. I am 10 weeks pregnant and we are very happy to bring our child into this journey of ours. Sure it will not be easy, but I will not stand to see the love of my life in this type of darkness anymore. I hope I have helped you figure out your emotions, but I feel it is just you probably are not quite ready to let him go.

Thank you for your reply! It is good to know I'm not the only one who feels that way. Truly, that is my ONLY problem with all of it. I can handle everything else. No, it's not just handling. I am happy with the rest of it all. I love the fact that my darling hubby trusts me enough to let me see him at his most vulnerable. HE let me in, knowing that I just might freak out, and let me become part of his journey to become SHE. It's a hard road to travel, and I still manage to come out feeling like I am the lucky one in all of it.

I am very happy for you!! It sounds like you both will be just fine!! Just always remember to have ALL lines of communication open and it will be alot better for the both of you!!

Thanks doll!
Yes, there is definitely a lot of communication. We made the mistake, in the beginning, to not talk about the parts of this that bothered us. BIG MISTAKE. Even though we were trying to spare eachother's feelings, all that we managed to do was let it anger build up until it exploded all over us. Yeah... we don't have that problem anymore. Glad we learned from our mistakes.

Congrats on your pregnancy, by the way! It is an amazing experience and I am happy for you and your newest addition!

You're definitely not alone in these feelings. Although he doesn't plan on completely transitioning, my husband's body has changed dramatically in ways - toward becoming more female - that have only recently become very obvious to me. All of a sudden, I find myself feeling very confused about how I feel. How I actually feel doesn't always line up with how I want to feel, you know? It kind of catches me off guard sometimes. But I know I'll get there, it's just going to be a process. You will, too!

Amelie,

EXACTLY! I can sit here and think about all of it, have long and in depth conversations on all the different aspects of how he feels, shop for clothes and makeup together... the list goes on and on. Never once during those times to I get that twinge in my stomach, the panic. I'm sure you know the feeling I am talking about.

But, as soon as the visual hits me... BAM, the twinge appears. I have been getting better, spending time with him as 'her' only partially dressed. No twinges there. I think the problem I am having is that seeing everything as a whole is such a huge difference from who I am used to seeing that it is jarring me.

I just wish I could hurry up and get over it already. I have no problems other than that.

Something about the shopping and talking about clothes and makeup doesn't feel as real to me. It's like hanging out with any other girlfriend, if that makes any sense. But as you said, it's the visual that does it. I think maybe even the visual combined with knowing that this is the person I am WITH. Not just some random friend. There's way more invested in this relationship, because this is my spouse! I'm sure you know what I mean.

Ok, I think I just made a new best friend. Would it scare you if I said I love you? LOL

Thank you. Thank you for helping me. Just knowing there is someone else out there that understands, that is feeling the same things I am, helps soooo much.

I am so glad I joined this board.

hahaha no, not scared at all! I just saw your intro post on the other board and thought, ohhh yay she's a mom, too!!

I have been away from this forum for a looooong time (too long!) and when I was here last, we were TTC. Now we have an almost-2 year old little girl. I have no idea what to expect as far as that goes.

My husband isn't exactly transitioning. He does take herbs and such. I think he considers himself bigendered, so things are pretty fluid (he prefers I use male pronouns when he's presenting as male, and female when he's presenting as female). But our daughter is a preemie, so a lot of the trans aspects of our life got pushed to a back burner as we dealt with those challenges. There just wasn't time to think about hair, hair removal (ugh, bane of everyone's existence, right?!), makeup and clothes, and all of that.

In a way, I feel like I had gotten to a really good place with everything, but then because of the "time off" I've taken some steps back, and things that shouldn't really bother me DO. I know I'll get there again.

Good! Then I LOVE YOU! There, now that is out of the way. lol

My husband isn't transitioning either, no hormones and no surgery, at this point anyway. I know that could change in the future, but for now, that's where things stand. He is the same with pronouns. When he becomes Tessa, then I use feminine pronouns, even though he hasn't asked me to. I know that it makes her happy, and I have no problem with it, so that's that.

Our kids are old enough that they notice things very easily, so he only becomes Tessa after they go to bed. We haven't figured out just yet what to tell them, if anything. Right now, we are focusing on how this affects our relationship, and how it makes it better. We'll figure the rest out later.

I have a feeling you and I will be talking a lot more. lol
If you need anything, just let me know.

My partner has been dressing in front of me since the day she told me she was a crossdresser last November, (We realized pretty quickly she was actually transgender, and have started the transition process, but that is another story). This was at my insistence, as I tend to deal with things better by diving right in. That being said, I still have a hard time at first each time she dresses. We are out to family and friends(including our children, and I would be happy to offer advice on how we handled that should you two decide to tell yours), but she is not out at work yet so it is still only on the weekends that Julia comes out to play. I am adapting, but it is slow. I think it will be easier once she is full time because I will just get used to it, and it will become normal. I think the hardest part for me has been the back and forth. Julia recently lost a lot of weight and looks really good. It is hard for me seeing my husband looking like a really hot man one day, and then a pretty lady the next, because I know it is only a matter of time before I lose the hot man aspect. I have been feeling really sad about that lately, despite the fact that I know intellectually it is just appearance, and in a way kind of shallow. I am still going to  miss him though. I think that is why it is hard for us to see our spouses change gender at first. We are faced with the fact that the familiar face we married, or have had a relationship with, is going to go away and be replaced by a new visage. It is the first hurdle we really have to jump before the other profound changes begin. It is visual evidence that our lives, and spouses, are not what we expected them to be.  This has actually been the most difficult part for me. I am working through it by sheer will power and a determination to embrace and support her through this journey though:) Like Amelie said " How I actually feel doesn't always line up with how I want to feel, you know?" I am doing everything in my power to get the two in sync.