Hi. My name is Kaylee. I want to tell you my story.  I fell in love with this man.  He was everything I could ever want and more. I knew he was feminine when we started dating over a year ago.  He wore womans undies, gothic style skirts, and make up, but I never cared about that.   I found that to be sexy an attractive.  Then one day I came over to see him and I saw bras all over the floor.  I was in a state of shock.  He started buying mini shorts and heels, talking about wearing dresses etc... all this was very overwhelming to me.  I didn't know how to handle it.  I had no idea he was interested in going this far female.   He would say things about wishing he had my tits or vagina.  I was so confused and upset.  Shortly after this, he confessed his dream to become a woman.  He told me he was born in the wrong gender.  I felt like someone knocked the wind out of me, and my world came crashing down.  I love this man with all of me, and now he's telling me this.  He said he waited to tell me because he wanted to wait until he knew I was in love with him.  I've been in love with him.  I love him more than I've ever loved anyone.  Now, here I stand questioning myself, questioning my sexuality, and questioning what to do.  The love is still there, but I feel so confused inside.  I've been living in a lie.  I told him how I feel in a long letter, and he feels as if I hate him for who he is.  I could never hate him.  I knew him as Brandon for over a year, and on that night he confessed his truth, he told me that he wants to be called  "Erin".  He told me I fell in love with Erin.  How could I when I didn't even know "she" existed until recently?  I never knew him as anyone but Brandon.  I felt like he lied to me all this time about who really is.  Now we are angry and hurt with each other and I feel that our relationship is coming to an end.  I've lost the person I love the most.  I don't know if this relationship is repairable, or if I've lost everything.  What should I do?

Not really knowing either of you, it's a easy question to answer wrong.  Has Erin started Gender Therapy to work out where this is going? Maybe a therapist can help make things easier for you both to come to some resolution.  Whatever happens it won't be quickly resolved, and will be painful and messy I'm afraid.

Karen.

Hi Karen,
Thanks for listening.  No, Erin hasn't started gender therapy yet.  He has spoken of some program where if you go to therapy for six years, then you will have your gender surgery paid for.  I don't know what program he's referring to.  I have never heard of anything like that.  I just know that I don't want to lose him, but I don't know how to hold on to him either.  This is the most painful experience I've ever gone through.

Hi Kaylee

Welcome honey.
I'm sorry to read you are in pain so much.
I do understand your feelings and it's not a nice situation you're in right now.

You know Kaylee, most of the transsexuals are hiding their feelings for many years for several reasons, they are ashamed for their feelings, they are afraid for what others may think about them and that's  not because they want to lie but more fear because a lot of them has to do with violence against them or suddenly they are the fool and the prey of other people like family or relatives to make nasty comments.
So they take the safe way for many years.
There will be a time when they can't take it any longer and want to do something about their feelings.
Suppose you have to hide yourself, it's like a prison while you did nothing wrong or something like a fugitive.

I never heard of cases who could be "cured" sometimes people go to a ( wrong ) therapist and they seem to be back in ( normal) live again, so everybody happy but in a certain time ( sometimes years ) they are back on the point where Brandon/Erin is right now.

So, in my opinion you can only safe some time but the feelings do come back sooner or later.

But, you have feelings too and I can imagine how you must be feeling, you're in love with someone and suddenly the world is not the same anymore, that's hard to deal with.

You say, you are not meant to live with a woman but it looks that Brandon is becoming a woman.
If you want to fight for your love and you want Brandon to stay Brandon, i think you're fighting in the wrong battle.

You're in a situation you can't win.
I know this will sound disappointing and i wish i could say, hey no worry, it's gonna be allright but that would be a lie to you, and i don't want to lie and making things more beautifully than they are.

There are things in Brandon/ Erin that you liked, it will still be the same person after all, the only things what will change is the body and the person who is more happy in life.

If you think you can't handle that, i suggest you could better move on and find someone else to make your future with.
If you are trying to make a man of Brandon/Erin i think it will be disappointing for both of you.
Neither could somebody make a man of you, right?
So, in my opinion thee are two options, stay with the one you love even when it's a woman or leave.

I'm. Sorry i can't give you a better or nicer message but i think that's the truth about the situation.

i'm sorry for your pain, you have my sympathy.

Hugs
Annette

Quote from: kreepykaylee17 on June 27, 2011, 07:47:39 AM
Now we are angry and hurt with each other and I guess our relationship is coming to an end.  I've lost the person I love the most.  I don't know if this relationship is repairable, or if I've lost everything.  What should I do?

Therein rests the crux of the situation, and unfortunately nobody can give a definitive answer to the 'what should I do' question.  Some relationships have survived transitions while others did not.  And that is something that is really dependent upon the two persons IN the relationship. 

What you describe is one of the very precise reasons I never allowed myself to get involved with anyone for a number of my early years (into the mid-20's).  I *KNEW* transition would occur and I was not going to ask someone who was presumably 'straight' to change on my account.  It wasn't something that I felt would be fair to them or even to their family.  Granted, this was before GLB issues were a daily presence in the media (and before the widespread presence of the internet as we now know it), but it was still something I took into account in how I managed MY personal life.  I also had spent enough time identifying as a lesbian that I knew relationships with 'straight girls' was NOT going to be anything that was viable on a long-term basis.   

Is the relationship repairable?  Difficult to say, but probably not without couples counseling in addition to your partner getting counseling to address the gender-related issues.  But if you do not see yourself being comfortable in a relationship with anyone other than a male, then sadly, I am guessing you already know the ultimate answer.  And, quite frankly, I am not going to be one who finds fault in your decision since I don't know that I could stay with a partner who decided/announced they were going to transition to male...not everyone is sexually fluid and not everyone can subscribe to a theory of the person remaining the same person no matter the vessel into which the person presents. 

hi kaylee!

it sounds like you're in a very difficult situation. i don't know what would be best for you to do , as i know neither you nor erin (not even brandon). but i think if this relationship means so much to you, there is also the option to start over again, as friends. if you try to get to know erin as the woman she is, you may find a solution you can't imagine right now for continuing your relationship. love can still exist without a physical relationship, maybe you can become best friends. and if it doesn't work out, it will still feel better for both of you if you can part as friends, if it is at all possible

Thank you for your response.  What youre saying makes alot of sense, but the thought of being just friends with someone I'm so in love with is overwhelming.   I just find it hard to image looking into his eyes and feeling all the emotions that I'm feeling right now.  After all, if we love each other...maybe somehow we will find a way to get through this.  I just need time to come to grips with this.  Thank you for your advice.

being just friends with someone you're in love with is really hard, i know. but it really is worth it if this makes you able to at least part without any feelings of bitterness in the case that you find out being together isn't possible anymore

Kaylee,

Oh, honey. First things first... -giant hugs- I know how difficult this can be to grasp and work through. My best friend and I actually went through this together, only I am bisexual, and she is not. I think that made things easier for me. She, on the other hand, decided to end her relationship with her partner when he began the process of transitioning.

As difficult as that was for her, they are actually the best of friends now, turning their love into something that is just as beautiful. They are actually roommates, and are closer now then they ever have been before. She knew from the moment he told her he was going to transition, that she was not a lesbian, and could not find herself physically attracted to him after transition. I won't lie to you. It was hard on both of them as they worked to get to the point that they are today, but the journey was worth it. There will always be a special place in both of their hearts for eachother, they just love eachother in a different way now.

I know things seem dark right now, BOY DO I KNOW, but they do get better. You do have a choice to make, a choice that no one can tell you which is best for you. Take some time away to search your heart and mind. Maybe try to be there when your partner is partially dressed. Let yourself get used to seeing it in parts so that the whole doesn't scare you so much. That's what I did, and it made all the difference.

If you need anything, I'm only a PM away.

much love and hugs!

Quote from: kreepykaylee17 on June 27, 2011, 07:47:39 AMI've lost the person I love the most.  I don't know if this relationship is repairable, or if I've lost everything.  What should I do?

Don't give up so quickly.  I know it seems like right now that you don't feel you could be a lesbian.  But if you think about it more calmly you might find that you actually do like Erin.

First of all, realize that you are just reacting to the situation at hand.  You were betrayed by someone who hid important information from you.  There was no excuse for this.  If he would have told you about this sooner, you would have had a lot more time to discuss and make decisions about all of this.  You are overreacting now because you were not given the chance to react earlier when you should have been told about this issue.

Talk with him and see if he still loves you.  Figure out whether you still love him as him.  Because if you do love him as him, then you will probably still love him as her.  I know it seems awkward right now, but I feel you really love the person and not their gender.  If you think about it really hard and the idea of loving another woman really disgusts you, then you should be honest about that too.  Tell him how you feel, so you can both discuss the options that are best for BOTH of you.  Don't do anything out of selfishness or revenge, or you will only be causing more problems.

Transition is a very long and complicated process.  It will not be easy for you, or your SO.  If you can't (or won't) be in it for the long haul, it is best to discover that now rather than later.

Quote from: kreepykaylee17 on June 27, 2011, 08:06:39 AM
Hi Karen,
Thanks for listening.  No, Erin hasn't started gender therapy yet.  He has spoken of some program where if you go to therapy for six years, then you will have your gender surgery paid for.  I don't know what program he's referring to.  I have never heard of anything like that.  I just know that I don't want to lose him, but I don't know how to hold on to him either.  This is the most painful experience I've ever gone through.

Hi Kaylee

first I am sorry over the sheer amount of stress you are going through. I wish there was an easy to fix this but there just isn't and sexuality can be a tricky thing when you fell in love with a guy who now tells you he is a girl.

I noticed you said he/she (she) hasn't started a therapy program. When she does, I would highly recommend talking to her therapist to see if the therapist can make some time for you and Erin together. Sometimes, talking about your feelings to a therapist in front of your Significant other can by very effective.

Also, I am not sure if there are any programs that give free gender surgery....unless she lives in Cuba, Montreal, Brazil,UK or Iraq. You have me at a lost there

Hi Kaylee. Just thought I would say welcome. You have a hard decision to make. I made it myself when my partner told me he was MTF in November. While my decision was to stay and maintain my relationship it was not made lightly. Being the partner to someone who is transitioning is a tricky road, but it is also very rewarding. As for whether you can adapt to a lesbian lifestyle, it's hard telling. I am primarily attracted to men but I have found myself attracted to women a few times in the past, so that make me hopeful that I will remain attracted to Julia through her transition. I wish the best for you whether you stay or go. If you do decide to stick it out you will find a lot of wonderful support here.

Hey Kaylee! I would say that trying to make such a decision at this time would be very difficult and could be rash. It may be very painful, especially to not know where anything is going, but wait until things have calmed down a little bit. Making a decision like this while upset/angry/sad is a bad idea in my opinion. Just take your time love and the answer will make its way through

Hi, welcome to the site Kaylee!

I hope you find all the responses useful and something that you can hold onto a little. A lot of confusion and pain is what everyone in this kind of situation experiences I guess , that your glasses are being shattered

Personally I don't have a relationship and I can't see myself starting one knowing I have a 'secret', it would be like lying to myself and hurting someone who might not know; people can't see through you and vague hints of your transgender/transsexual identity aren't picked up by many people..so I empathise with you, and I wish you will be able to get into a more positive relationship with Erin, even if its just friends you want to be. Give it some time maybe, like others said...but don't force yourself to love and live in a way you don't feel comfy with, because that's the same thing Erin doesn't want either

Hugs,