I'd been sure that I was TS and all... but now I'm not so sure. I'm bi-polar, and I heard somewhere that it can lead to a sorta false positive for GID. I started some medication recently, and my dsyphoria is now in decline, and I feel less like I should transition. Maybe I'm not really TG but just have other problems? Maybe it's not even from bi-polar... maybe I'm psychotic.

I think I'm not going to be transitioning after all if this stays how it is. It should make my life easier... and I should be happy with the way my thoughts are changing. But I'm not happy at all. I feel like I'm being forcibly turned into a different person. I'm very upset and I don't know what to think anymore.

I'm not even sure what I'm asking, I'm just so lost. I was feeling so much better on the medication until this happened. Now, while my mood isn't permanently depressed... I feel like there isn't much value in life because of all that stuff.

Maybe give it some time. I'd write down how I feel in a diary and go from there. You might also discuss this with your councilor too. But I've never dealt with bi-polarism before so I cant comment there. But, being trans doesn't always mean you have to transition. There are plenty of people out there who dont transition for whatever reason. So if your happy not transitioning, great! its not the end of the world and there are certainly other ways to express who you are. So just be you. ^_^

What Keaira said... this is prime material to discuss with a therapist if you have the means to do so.  It's not an exact science, but they're qualified at teasing apart the effects of comorbid diagnoses, helping you weed out those "false positives."   This may just be a case of simple self-doubt and fear, but only you can figure that out for sure.

I've been thinking about the whole thing and I'm still just a lot of inner turmoil for me. I know it hasn't been long, but I don't feel like I'm anywhere near any sort of resolution.

I keep going back and forth in my head. At one point I'll think that my thoughts of being female and stuff was just some stupid fancy or something. that I somehow got obsessed with until I became distressed by the fact I wasn't. I don't remember having been very dysphoric before I came out to myself. But I had been so depressed and dissociated for so long that it's hard to tell.  Ever since I was maybe 13 or 14, I was emotionally numb and really had no real sense of self. I was so dissociated that I couldn't imagine myself as a person at all.

After I came out, I used to feel better from anything that helped me feel less male and more female. But in the past couple of weeks it's mostly been anxiety induced. I don't know if suddenly I don't like it or my anxiety is just out of control. I have always second guessed myself and worried about it. I feel so different now though. But once and a while, when I finally calm down after crying about everything, I often find myself imagining myself as female again - and I feel okay then.

I'm going back and forth between being somewhat alright, and just being so distressed by this whole thing that I feel like going and killing myself. I don't feel like dying right now, but I felt that way this morning. Then I went back to bed and was a bit better when I woke up. I spent a while after waking up trying to recall if I was male or female in my dream. I wanted to know, because I felt okay in the dream.

First off, please don't do anything to harm yourself! I hope that you will read this web page, because I was very down a few months ago and felt very much like killing myself. I typed the word suicide into google just to see what I would find and this is the 3rd page to pop up: http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/ It didn't get rid of the feelings, but somehow it made me feel a bit better. The way they talk to you is just....I'm not sure. It's comforting, supportive and understanding.

Second off, I understand some of what you're saying. I am bi-polar as well and sometimes I would doubt myself because I was afraid it was just the bi-polar talking and not me. I had a lot of anxiety surrounding my thoughts and my decision. I would doubt it before I came out. But I realized that I found myself so often wishing to be a dude. I realized that what I was anxious about was the idea of having to transition. It meant really having to admit that I am physically a girl...and that I would have to go through a lot to become who I really want to be. Some of my doubt/confusion came from the fact that as far as my gender goes, I feel both female and male. Sometimes they are at the same time, and sometimes I feel them individually. Although, I do feel masculine more than I do feminine. So I worried that maybe, it was just when I was feeling masculine. That maybe I wanted to be a girl when I was feminine, and a guy when I was masculine. As I tossed this around in my head, I tried out several scenarios as well to try to get a feel for how I'd feel. I realized that even when I feel feminine, I feel more like a feminine guy that I ever do a girl. This has taken a lot of thinking. A lot of staring at the floor/wall/sky/what have you and just thinking really hard about what I wanted.

As I made my decisions and realizations that this was something I wanted, I told just a few friends at first. To see how the words tasted and if they felt, well, right. It did. It felt incredibly right. It felt like this is what I should have done years ago. Then, about a week after I started coming out, I had an anxiety attack about what was happening. The fact that this was happening freaked me the f*** out. I couldn't believe it. And I was so anxious about what strangers would think. So worried that this would completely fail and I would never be able to pull this off. And that maybe, just maybe, I had made the wrong decision. Eventually I was able to calm myself and told myself to just take some time to think about it once I'm completely calm. I later come to the conclusion that, again, it was the transition I was anxious about. The fact that I had to make the physical transition to be who I want. It's something that I don't want to HAVE to do, just want it to happen.

So, my friend, this might not be your case. And it may be that it is. My advice would be to listen to your heart. Don't worry about the decision you've already made, because in my opinion it is difficult to make any decision regarding your sex/gender without having a little experience first. But please, just wait it out love, because it is always darkest before the dawn. Just talk and talk and talk about it until you've been able to organize your thoughts, process them and understand how they make you feel (something I find incredibly difficult to do being bi-polar because quite frequently my thoughts are jumbled and racing). You can do this, I totally believe in you

I've been thinking now for a while... and I've not really been functional ever since around the time I first posted.

While there are some things that say that I might be TG or TS or whatever... they aren't that strong. And I'm starting to think maybe I'm some stupid person who latched onto some kind of fancy. I've been up and down and back and forth in my mind... and as time goes on I'm thinking more that I'm not really meant to be female after all. I don't want it to be this way... but I can't change it. If it's been some kind of delusion all this time, then I wish I never got it. But more than that, I wish I could have just died before it turned into this horrible mess.

I don't think I'll ever be transitioning... because it's probably not right for me. I should be glad... but I think this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. It's really messed up, but I would trade places with people who have it worse than me... because I don't want to be this way. Things aren't going to get better, and I'm not going to be the same person. Every time I think I'm going to get better, or even just come to terms with it... it doesn't last. And I can't stand the idea of living through this anyways... I don't like the idea of coming to terms with this happening to me... I don't want to be that person.

I don't think I'm going to kill myself... not unless (or rather until) things get more difficult to just exist. But I just don't really care much about life anymore. I don't want my life anymore. I wish I could just give it to somebody else who'd like it. I hope something happens and I just die unexpectedly soon.

Aelyn

Please read carefully.

Bi-polar tends to be associated with mood swings. You can think of it like looking at the world through different coloured glass. If your view is dark, then your conclusions will be.

Like you I and many others suffer mood swings. The basic rule is, learn to recognise your different moods and get into the habit of only making decisions when you've looked at them from each perspective.

OK, I know that's a pain, but you'll get use to it. It's about taking control of yourself. It's fine for some paid expert to pass judgement. In my experience, you only see these people rarely and they generally don't see your different moods. You do. Just learn toi live with them.


I sincerely doubt you are psychotic. Psychosis tends to be associated with a number of issues, not least, a detachment from reality. That doesn't seem to apply to you at all.


You may be correct in your decision not to attempt transision right now. It should never be somehting to rush into. In your case,. and mine, it's something that needs a lot of careful planning.


Do yourself a favour. Stop beating yourself up. The world is filled with people who will be happy to criticise you. You really don't need to giev them a hand!!

And remember this site is always here for you no matter what, when of if you decide to do what you do, just do what is right for you. Sending a hug.

Quote from: BilliTex on July 07, 2011, 09:39:27 PM
And remember this site is always here for you no matter what, when of if you decide to do what you do, just do what is right for you. Sending a hug.

hmm not sure what to say . but i think a hug says it best when words fail you .. theres a saying i like too.. "things only have the power you give them " a quote from JMLs comic "Dawn" it seems very apt at times take deep breaths .. and try to relax. give it a few days to make sure you are really sure ,. no snap judgements and such besides no one but you can make the "right" choice .. and that choice is whatever you decide .. 

I have a depressive disorder, and borderline-like symptoms, so I know how mood swings are. One thing I've noticed is that the more depressed I am, the more dysphoric I tend to be. In my case it doesn't make me any less trans, just that being depressed gives me more of a reason to feel down about my body. Or feeling dysphoric worsens any depression I may have at that moment.

I'm not saying that any of this is true of you, it's just my experience. Gender identity is just one of the threads in my tangled-up ball of a brain.

Quote from: AlectheViking on June 29, 2011, 01:09:41 AMBut I realized that I found myself so often wishing to be a dude. I realized that what I was anxious about was the idea of having to transition. It meant really having to admit that I am physically a girl...and that I would have to go through a lot to become who I really want to be. Some of my doubt/confusion came from the fact that as far as my gender goes, I feel both female and male. Sometimes they are at the same time, and sometimes I feel them individually. Although, I do feel masculine more than I do feminine. So I worried that maybe, it was just when I was feeling masculine. That maybe I wanted to be a girl when I was feminine, and a guy when I was masculine. As I tossed this around in my head, I tried out several scenarios as well to try to get a feel for how I'd feel. I realized that even when I feel feminine, I feel more like a feminine guy that I ever do a girl. This has taken a lot of thinking. A lot of staring at the floor/wall/sky/what have you and just thinking really hard about what I wanted.

Ditto on this, except for the part about feeling like a feminine guy.  The nice thing about not transitioning is that you can always switch back and forth, depending on your mood, and sometimes, I just feel more like a guy.

Aelyn, I wish you the best of luck in getting through this, and I second what Spacial has said in trying to look at things from multiple perspectives. I also liked the writing idea. Not only is it therapeutic, but for some reason, when you're writing things down, you notice things about the situation that you didn't before, as if unintentionally working through a problem.

Antidepressants do the exact same thing as alcohol; both have the same effect on the brain. Both will cause your most innate, personal desires to evaporate in favor of a path that, leading to long term happiness or not, will seem easier. You will waste your time fulfilling this easier path only to end up in the same position when the real world finally hits. Antidepressants, quite literally, are designed to turn smart people into morons who accept any sort of positive seeming advice that comes their way; the abolishment of the mind's natural phobias is a one-way ticket to forgetting the reasons behind your feelings, the essence of what you want to accomplish.

Literally all gender disorders are both amplified and caused by a reaction to a quite realistic perception of gender standards; however, studies prove that these perceptions are innately strong and impossible to overcome medically or emotionally. No one is born being aware of what a penis or vagina is, or even what a girl or boy is. It's the way that our innate mental balances interact with facts of the real world that cause someone to be transgendered; this is also the reason transgenders have personalities of all sorts.

Quite literally, I'd like to know one transgender who can honestly say that they're transgender because of no outside source. Wether they were influenced at the age of 3 by genders on television shows, by sisters, mothers, fathers, or brothers, by friends, by storybooks, by stress, by health, by whatever, I don't believe it's possible that someone can express the emotions of being transgender without knowing what the opposite sex is first. This is quite detailed in the studies of feral childen, children who, in remote parts of the world, have grown up with animal packs or extremely low human interaction - they show no innate signs of being human.

The real question is - do you want to forget, or do you want to accomplish?

A pinpoint example is this: Say you're a transsexual who's a haggard man who feels like no straight man or audience would find him sexually attractive or girlie because of the manly image his appearance gives off, and thus this issue creates a shyness of the outside world. Transitioning and FFS would allow this man to tackle the outside world in his true identity. Anti-Depressants combined with Therapy would convince him, at best, to become a Drag Queen - that is, if the therapist and anti-depressants didn't convince him to join a church and rebuke transsexualism altogether.