So sometimes life has give you a reminder before you "get" it, before you know what you have to do. The past week has been very big, and one that ultimately redirected everything that I was originally planning.

For a couple months recently I was thinking I could pull off being male again, and it was going pretty well...until about 3-4 days ago when I had a dream of being female again, and another dream where I was holding T shots for FtM friend, and found myself being TERRIFIED by them. It ran me over inside for a day, but made me see just how important this is. By keeping this all hidden, by not talking or being open about it, I am keeping a barrier between me and the world. It is one of the confounding factors that gets in the way of any relationships, also friendships for those that do not know, and makes it hard to form connections with people. It is tiring to keep selectively knowing when to silence myself around people that do not know and know when it is ok to talk to people that do know. As much as I may hate it and it scares me sometimes, it is part of me, something that is huge in my life. To not be open to the world about that, means hiding perhaps the most significant thing about me. If I ever want any chance of being closer with people, I must first address what is preventing that from happening, which means facing this. It's been around my whole life, it has never gone away, and it never will.

I went to bed last thinking to myself, that right now really is the "ideal" time to do it, to transition. If I wait, the opportunity will pass and to do something about it again will be MUCH harder. I have a counselor on my side and ready for a letter when I am. I have insurance at my school that will pay for HRT and it's related expenses. I have a great friend in my city this summer that is amazing with helping me and helped me see a different side of shopping. I have two more years at this university, and if I wait and let this pass, I will need to move after graduation for the next segment of my life, and that will take all my resources. Additionally I will not any insurance after this, which will make this impossible. In other words, I realized that if I let my fear, anxiety, and doubt control me, it will make me miss the opportunity to finally do something about it, and then the next window may not be for years after. I have to act now.

I completely and utterly agree with you.
Be strong and make your move,
Axelle

I agree with you 100% you do have to face this issue and be honest with yourself because you have be honest with yourself before you can be honest with others and be open to them because if your hiding your true self how can other people really know you

Thanks, yes...right now the day I can get the ball rolling is Tuesday, and then followed up within about a month for starting HRT if I plan it right.

Unfortunately, I am at the wall that has stopped me every single time before, and it's also the one that marks the restart point of the vicious cycle I have been in for years now. After my amazing shopping experience and having a fantastic day following, where I felt I could really transition to living as female, it was followed afterwards by depression and now doubt. Nothing feels real when this happens, and then I start feeling I am only male, and just retreat again into denial, only for it to come back later. Now, with this apathy, and depression, I feel it may be where I have to use my logical thinking to get me through this, even if there is no emotion, to tell myself that regardless of what I may experience now, or however wrong it feels to do so is, that ultimately this is for the better, because it will pass, and I know that gender identity issues always come back later...

Anyone who's faced some really nasty doubts like this who's in transition able to comment or help here? :/

Quote from: findingreason on July 02, 2011, 10:38:51 PMAnyone who's faced some really nasty doubts like this who's in transition able to comment or help here? :/

Every day.

Let me quantify that, I've known since I was 5 (I'm now 36) so I'd got pretty good and putting my GID to the back of my head and getting on with my life.  As time went on though, that got harder and harder, and I got more and more miserable, thoughts of suicide became frequent.

Now I'm fully out with friends and family and have started HRT, but am still living under my male name, basically because I know I don't pass yet.  I just present as an MTF transexual for now.  But every day I think 'Am I being stupid here, should I just have carried on putting it to the back of my head and kept it my 'dirty little secret'?".  But then I remember, I couldn't do that, I had to do something, and I so desparately want to be seen as a girl, and pass as female.

My point is, this process is ridiculously scary, making changes to yourself that no-one else will understand.  But in your head, this is probably the only way out, so the sooner you do it, the better chance you have of being happy.

Siobhan.

I found the biggest and most difficult changes were in my head. Not the hormones nor the surgery, but just in the perception of self.
Integrating your female self into daily life is actually scary (fear of ridicule) and over coming the self imposed programming (is that tooo feminine?).
In my day (sheesh) it was a big deal, but in todays society its a lot easier.

Just relax, be your self and become comfortable with your self, then the clothing is unimportant. Behaviors are a key target for recognition.