This could very well be the most surreal moment of my life. I am giving voice to that which I have been steadfastly denying my entire life, so that I can  profess it to the world! This can't be happening to me, it has to be some sort of a dream....

So hello, my name is Kelly, I am a 47 year old transgendered male, and this is my story.

I have known all along that I am "unique." So much of my story is so strikingly similar to every other story I've read; therefore, I will spare the repetition.

The real ah-ha moment came back in college, one night, when I awoke out of a sound sleep with a startling revelation. I sat up in bed, turned on the light and looked at one of the Playmate centerfolds decorating my wall...I didn't want her, I wanted to be her! But in my world, back then, that was the most ridiculous notion imaginable.

So, life in a nutshell: graduated college (Computer Information Systems), got married, two incredible kids, got divorced, got re-married, lost job (despite exceptional performance reviews), got divorced again, lost job again (again, despite exceptional performance reviews, IT is a fickle biz), re-engineered myself as a graphic artist, started a business with my new soulmate, a year later I lose virtually everything including myself, which pretty much brings us current.

So what's the problem? I have played by all of the rules: successful career, marriage, kids, dog, white picket fence, etc., etc., etc...WTF!

The problem is "she" won't go away. Every time I get my (his) life back on track, she pops up and says "I don't think so!"

I tried to include her in my first marriage, wife would have nothing to do with her, told me to "just go get a sex change." Second marriage only lasted 8 months, but during which wife #2 suggested I had Klinefelter's Syndrome.

Then came 8 years of dressing, drinking, and denial. I suppose somewhere inside I knew the answer, but, "how can I do this to my kids," "I'm too big" (6'5"), "I can't...," "what if...," "I'll never...."

Circumstances then took me to utopia, everything I had ever dreamed of; yet, it didn't take long before...she's baaack.

As things were falling apart I knew that this was it. If the life of my dreams wasn't sufficient for her to watch from the wings...I was in deep doodoo.

That was a little over a year ago and I am still fighting what appears to be the inevitable. Of course much of that time has been spent fighting depression, thoughts I refuse to give voice to, family who thinks I just need to get a new job and life will be right as rain, and my own inability to just accept what is...or at least what I think is...see there I go again!

I did inadvertently confess to my mother though. After being incessantly hounded about a job, all the while doing my best just to keep the gun from my head, I finally, during a particularly intense interrogation, in a fit of despair, sobbed, "my life is a lie, and I don't have the strength to fight it any more!" To which my mother, after several minutes of contemplation responded, "I have several friends who have gay sons, it's okay." Half laughing, half crying I said "Jesus, gay would be easy!" Then she looked even more puzzled, "So...what are you saying...Ohhhh...." She has been great and very supportive.

Also worth mentioning is the fact that I am a very spiritual person. I tend more towards the Eastern philosophies, and find that Taoism resonates very deeply. The Tao Te Ching has been a great source of comfort for years. However, I recently stumbled upon Eckhart Tolles's "The Power of Now" which has been a catalyst for something I am still trying to understand.

So to bring the rambling to a close here and summarize where I am at today. I have lost everything material in the physical world, something profound has happened in the spiritual...hmmm, "we are spirits, in the material world, are sprits...(Police)," anyway, I digress. The quandary: Is the gender issue a spiritual carrot, or Karma? I so desperately want to re-engage the world as "me," but then, who am I? Do I skip out in a skirt and heels, find myself an ashram, or resurrect "him" to foot the bill for realizing "her?"

If all this babble leaves you with the impression that I am lost...I am. I also get the feeling Susan's is a community of wonderful caring people, and I would value whatever insight any of you have to offer.

So hello, and I look forward to getting to know everyone.

Warmly,

Kelly

Hi Kelly,

Wellcome to Susans.

I have found that fighting yourself is very hard to do. It sounds like you have been doing this for some time. I know it is hard to accept yourself is hard when you feel so different to the 'normal' person - you just want to be like everyone else. It is something I need to work on as well.

Alice

Hello Kelly, welcome to Susan's.  I hope that you find what you are looking for here.  It is a great site with great members who are only too willing to help and advice where they can.  It's a wonderful for fellowship and I'm sure that you will quickly find new friends and acquaintances.

Please take the time to explore the site as there is a lot of information here.  If you are looking for that personal touch try out our Chat area where you can talk with others here at Susan's but be warned they are a wacky bunch   Just kidding.

So again welcome, I hope you enjoy your stay with us.

Steph

Hey, sis! I've pondered those issues for years now, and will tell you what I feel, for what it's worth.. there are so many different viewpoints. The Buddha was asked by village elders how they should tell when someone was giving them the truth, as one guru says one thing, another something different. The Buddha said, "if it leads to less suffering, it is truth." I think that is more profound than it sounds. Re karma, I have heard things, that those who are transgendered are more advanced souls, blah blah blah.. who knows.. I've searched past lives and came out with the conclusion that THIS is the life that's important.. now. Here. Stay calm, cultivate peace and kindness. Be true to yourself and those around you. Remember that most suffering is self induced. Diminish your own self-induced suffering.
Hugs!

Well,

This is why I don't like the term transgender. It means nothing specific.

If you are a transsexual like me, good lords. Run, don't walk to therapy. Make your peace with it. Live your life. We only get one shot, it's such a shame to waste it - and certianly not for THEM, the biggots and opressors.

As for your "Oh, I'll nevers" write them on a piece of paper and throw them out the window. I never expected to pass, which is laughable to me now.

Welcome to Susans. Come to #chat anytime and we can talk.

Bri

Hi Kelly,
I have fought with myself for along time.  I just doesn't work.  You need accept that she is part of you and maybe allot bigger part than you even now imagine. But don't despair accept your feelings. Do allow all of you to live instead of hold that part you call a girl back.
And yes as Bri said you need to get a therapist. If you are a TS woman then that is not the end for you but a new better beginning.
Welcome to Susan's

Jillieann

Quote from: Alice on February 03, 2007, 08:54:53 PM
I know it is hard to accept yourself is hard when you feel so different to the 'normal' person - you just want to be like everyone else.

I think that really sums it up, after a while being a square peg in a round hole starts to wear on you. And then when you come to the realization that in order to have some semblance of normalcy for yourself, you are faced with pushing societies concept of normalcy out the window. Acceptence does not come easily.

Quote from: Steph on February 03, 2007, 09:06:55 PM
If you are looking for that personal touch try out our Chat area where you can talk with others here at Susan's but be warned they are a wacky bunch

I look forward to getting a little wacky. I am actually a happy fun-loving person...I'm sure the morose tenor of my introduction left few with that impression, just having a bit of a struggle embracing the moment.

Quote from: Kelly on February 04, 2007, 02:50:35 AM
you're not a pisces too by chance are you?

* Kelly offers Kelly some green tea and a Byrds album to chill to.   

Actually I'm a Libra...a big fan of fine loose-leaf jasmine green tea...and sad to say never really "got" the Byrds, would rather chill to Tori Amos, Shawn Colvin, Miles Davis, or Jimmy Buffet.

Quote from: Melissa-kitty on February 04, 2007, 01:17:17 PM
Stay calm, cultivate peace and kindness. Be true to yourself and those around you. Remember that most suffering is self induced. Diminish your own self-induced suffering.
Hugs!

We are definately our own worst enemies. Sometimes it's hard to keep the monkey-mind under control though, especially when you find yourself in the middle of less-than-desirable circumstances. Also, I believe adverse conditions are there to teach us...I hope to learn this time because I am rather tired of repeating the present set.

Quote from: Brianna on February 04, 2007, 01:45:37 PM
If you are a transsexual like me, good lords. Run, don't walk to therapy. Make your peace with it. Live your life. We only get one shot, it's such a shame to waste it - and certianly not for THEM, the biggots and opressors.

As for your "Oh, I'll nevers" write them on a piece of paper and throw them out the window. I never expected to pass, which is laughable to me now.

You make it all sound so delightfully simple! Which I suppose if I wasn't overly complicating things it would be. I am looking forward to the day I can start therapy once I figure out a direction and get life moving again. Also, I love the idea of writing the bad thoughts down....

Quote from: Jillieann on February 05, 2007, 12:53:14 AM
You need accept that she is part of you and maybe allot bigger part than you even now imagine. But don't despair accept your feelings. Do allow all of you to live instead of hold that part you call a girl back.

I've read over and over that acceptance is the important first step, I just need to accept this tiny little facet of myself; well, actually I think the big stumbling block is accepting the impact this will have on my children...and that just tears me up.

Thank you all for the welcome.

Kelly

Hi,

   I wish you well. Stop following the old rules and create new rules that will take you into eternity.

   Love, hugs, best kisses & wishes,

becky

Welcome, Kelly!

As you already said, many of us tell the same basic story.  I know you are in for quite an adventure.  Try to enjoy it when you can, and don't worry about fitting into anybody's mold.

Looking forward to hearing more from you!

Peace,
Kristi

Hey Kelly,

I'd like to extend a warm welcome to you.

Now like most of the girls have said here, you don't have to fight yourself. This is something that I stopped doing several years ago. I enjoy the freedom of being able to get dressed and go out at times. Just be yourself and don't worry about what others will think or say.


Acceptence is one thing that I have found is a hard thing to gain, so I've just decided that I don't need anyones acceptence to live the way that I feel comfortable. 
Gina