Basically, I'm (possibly) a closeted FtM—I'm still a bit confused on the matter. I'm trying to decipher whether or not this is phase, or something else. I've come to this website to learn and figure things out and maybe become an active member of this community before I tell my family, and schedule an appointment with a counsellor or therapist. I'm also interested in learning about the health risks and all of that, and trying to discern fact from myth. I've been doing a bit of research and I've read a lot of different information from multiple people, many with strong opinions, so it's hard to figure things out.
What better way than to ask people with real experiences?
So, I guess the easiest way to start is to explain my history. There are probably more details, but this is what I could remember at the moment. Sorry for the lengthy post.
When I was a kid, I never thought of myself in terms of gender. However, I often associated myself with boys more when playing, until I met my best friend who is female. Throughout my childhood I even "dressed as a boy" without realising they were "boys" clothes. I always "borrowed" my brothers clothing, and wore them to school without him knowing. However, I was never against wearing "girl's" clothing, because people called me a girl and I obviously looked like other girls, so I assumed that's what I was, but often it never felt quite "right" when people called me a girl.
I felt this way for a long time, and when I started middle school, when I hit puberty, things were even more uncomfortable. I had a bit of body/gender dysphoria, but I thought it stemmed from the fact I was overweight. Strangely enough, I always compared myself to the boys, and never girls. I was always disheartened that I wasn't developing like them, but it never occurred to me that it was a gender issue. They were getting taller, their voices were deepening, and their bodies were becoming more masculine. In my mind I was always thinking, "What about me? When is my turn?" This was also the time when relationships came into the issue. I crushed on a few people, both male and female. The funny thing though, whenever I felt an attraction towards a female, I was completely okay with it, but when it came to guys, I felt almost embarrassed, like something was "wrong" with me. Repeatedly in my mind I thought "How can I be attracted to a boy? Does this make me less of a guy?" I was confused by these thoughts, thinking, "Wait, I'm not a boy. I should have no issues with this. Why am I thinking this way?"
When high school came around, that's when trouble began. I knew something wasn't right with me, but I could never place my finger on it, and it became increasingly hard to concentrate in school. I went to school counselling, and they pinned my problems on anxiety and/or depression, but couldn't place a cause. It wasn't until my 9th grade Health class that I possibly found my answer. We had an LGBT group come talk to the Health classes to spread awareness, and discuss their stories and issues (etc.). There were two transsexuals with them, a MtF and FtM. Before this, I had never known about these kinds of people, and something in my mind clicked. When the FtM told his story, there were so many things I could relate to, but I wasn't about to make such claims until I had more information.
I tried to talk the school therapist/counsellor, but he thought that I was going through a phase, and said that my feelings are stemmed from the inequality between men and women. The thing is though, I've never been persecuted for being biologically female and I've had both positive male and female role models in my life, and masculinity/ femininity has never been much of an issue for me either. I figured this possibly couldn't be my problem, but either way, I went along with it, but the anxiety never went away. This was also the time when I started using the internet, so when I signed up for forums and other social networking sites, I identified myself as male instead of female. It started out as an experiment, to see if I could "pretend" and feel comfortable about it, and it felt completely natural.
For about 5 years I've been questioning myself, and have wanted to reach out to people, but I've been afraid. There are some days where I'm absolutely sure I'm male, but other days I think I'm crazy for thinking so.
So, uh, it's nice to meet you all?
