Thanks everyone Your posts were very helpful.

Quote from: A on July 17, 2011, 08:21:25 AM
Of course. I always doubt. And every time I doubt, I sit and think about the consequences of not transitioning, shiver, and get back up more convinced than ever before.

That kind of really explains what I feel. I'm not sure what it is, I think I am more fearful then doubtful now that I have thought about it all.

Even with the predicable fears and stresses of transition my life is significantly improved from what it was just year ago. The crushing weight of constant depression, anxiety and just wishing to be dead is not with me anymore. I still experience depression, anxiety and have my emotional moments (I do cray a lot!)  but  those things are more situational now then  chronic and constant like they used to be. The change came from what I did - HRT and coming out and living my life more the way I want to, as the person I want to. Sometimes I am feeling so much better I wonder why am I doing this? It know longer feels like something I am desperately pressed to do. And that can be confusing to me. But I know I am not a man and can never live that life, I never want to go back to that. Never. I don't want to go back to that fight again. Even if I end here, somewhere in between, it is a great improvement that I would not risk losing.

Yes I have.
I have doubted and questioned.
It's something I "do", it's my nature.
I've feared and faltered too, as I'm also quite anxious by nature.

It's healthy, I think, to doubt and question, to examine oneself repeatedly, oneself and one's motives.
It's lead me to do only the things I wanted, as I wanted them.
I took the path which was exactly "right" for me because I examined every step before me and knew exactly where it lead.

As such, this doubt, it's done me good.
I'm happy today, which still feels a little odd to say.
I'm genuinely happy.

I do have doubts but they are getting less bothersome. I guess that's progress. I have two fears that fuel my doubts.  A big one is whether I will be able to pass with HRT. I'm afraid I will get stuck somewhere in between and be rejected by all. The other is the reactions of others, most importantly family. I have two grown daughters, a grandson and a wife I love dearly. She has four if her own grown kids who are all great, and four grandchildren.  I know that these doubts have inhibited me so far but now I am in pre HRT counseling and I'm starting to get beyond them.  You only get one chance at life. I don't want to hurt anyone else but I've denied myself too long. Is it selfish to think of me now?   Rachael 

Quote from: Rachael Michelle on July 18, 2011, 05:54:33 PM
I do have doubts but they are getting less bothersome. I guess that's progress. I have two fears that fuel my doubts.  A big one is whether I will be able to pass with HRT. I'm afraid I will get stuck somewhere in between and be rejected by all. The other is the reactions of others, most importantly family. I have two grown daughters, a grandson and a wife I love dearly. She has four if her own grown kids who are all great, and four grandchildren.  I know that these doubts have inhibited me so far but now I am in pre HRT counseling and I'm starting to get beyond them.  You only get one chance at life. I don't want to hurt anyone else but I've denied myself too long. Is it selfish to think of me now?   Rachael 

I kinda feel where you're coming from, not wanting to be selfish and possibly end up hurting those close to you. That's one of the big reasons I haven't pursued transitioning just yet. I wish I could help, but all I can say is, just do what you want to do, family should be there to love you for who you are, I would think they would support you.

Yes, I do have doubts, all the time. Half of the time I have these strong urges to go through with it, and I feel I would be happier as a woman. Then I get to thinking if it's the right path for me, or if I'm just feeling this way because I haven't had a girlfriend. I know I should see a therapist, but I can see them asking if I've ever been in a relationship, and when I tell them no, they'll probably just tell me to try that out first, since I'm having doubts. So for now, I'm kinda being my own psychologist. Sorry, I kinda went off topic. Anyways, half the time I'm sure, and the other half I have doubts. It's really bothersome. I think it is normal to have doubts though (as one member told me before), you just have to follow your heart, do what you believe is best.