"How to Be a Man Though Female"
About six years ago I changed from a man into a woman. My wife of 30 (now 38) years had a major stroke two years prior to my change. The woman I married was now paralyzed on her left side. She was also compromised mentally, regressing from a person who carried a 4.0 grade point average while earning a Master's degree in math to being unable to do the arithmetic necessary to balance a checkbook.
The responsibility of caring for her fell squarely on my shoulders. I cooked the meals, cleaned the house, washed the clothes, did the shopping, took care of her needs for bathing, and helped her on and off the commode. My mother-in-law lived with us at the time and was able to watch my wife during the long hours I worked in my construction business. My mother-in-law's health was failing and her help was minimal at best. I found myself caring for her too. I have since remodeled our home to make it handicapped- accessible, bought lift chairs and an electric wheelchair, and got my wife professional help so that she can be safely left alone for periods of time.
Eventually exhaustion began to overwhelm me. Each night I was awakened several times to help my wife to the restroom, so I was starting to feel the effects of sleep deprivation. Then depression arrived. A major symptom of depression is fatigue. Each day I continued my job and then came home to face more and more work.
My dreams of a happy life and of possible transition were slipping away. The thoughts of transition were a fleeting fantasy because, other than appearance, there was not much female in me. Thoughts of death became more welcomed than feared. Suicide was never contemplated but the idea of having a heart attack while asleep was welcome. I could have my escape and no one could blame me for abandoning my responsibilities.
The heroes of my youth always were portrayed as strong men who faced adversity and great challenges without fail. For two long years, I fought the good fight. I worked hard and gave as much care as I was capable of giving. My health was deteriorating and my future seemed desolate at best.
I knew I needed help and began seeing a wonderful psychotherapist (Denise O'Doherty). We spoke of my life's situation and it provided me the opportunity to talk to a professional for the first time about being transgender.
Denise helped me navigate what I felt was a horrible time in my life. She validated I was a crossdresser with acceptance and support. She helped me identify and strengthen my coping skills so I could manage what seemed like an overwhelming situation. She even helped me feel that I was handling my situation better than I thought! After feeling there was progress and improvement with my attitude and situation, we stopped sessions leaving the door open for me to come back should I need any attention, direction or support in the future.
My wife does not know of my feminine side. She had not been told earlier because I feared it would drive her away. Now it would be cruel and selfish to reveal my crossdressing to a woman who had no options other than "like it or lump it". I considered myself as a "man in a dress". There were not many feminine qualities present in my life apart from looking pretty good in female clothes. I had given up my great love of playing golf to be more available to care for my wife. Now, it appeared, my days of being able to express my true self had also passed.
Then a wonderful transformation took place. I allowed the woman inside of me the freedom to live. I began helping my wife out of empathy and compassion rather than obligation. I began to take pride in my cooking and began cooking healthy, tasty meals regularly rather than bringing in take-out most evenings. I washed my wife's soiled clothes and cleaned the bathrooms within an inch of their lives. I remember changing my son's diapers years before and fighting my gag reflex. Now I was becoming immune, much like a young mother does while caring for her baby.
All of this was done as Jeanette even though I was wearing men's clothes. My demeanor softened. I became more compassionate. The shackles had been removed from Jeanette and she began to flourish. The feminine side of me became much stronger than the male.
The opportunities to dress in clothing that matched the way I felt inside were extremely rare. Nevertheless, I began to desire to have my exterior appearance more closely correspond with how I felt inside. I went for consultations with three local cosmetic surgeons regarding facial feminization surgery. My features were somewhere between neutral and feminine already. One surgeon asked when I had cheek implants done. I explained, "At birth, courtesy of my Cherokee mother". Another doctor said that my features were already sufficiently feminine and that the most feminizing thing to consider was a major facelift. I took his evaluation to heart.
All of the local surgeons were prohibitively expensive. I began researching other options and discovered an extremely gifted and experienced surgeon in Guadalajara, Mexico who had operated on a number of transgender women. I talked with several of his former patients and read an extremely complimentary article in A.A.R.P. Magazine by a genetic female who had gone to this doctor for a facelift. I decided to go to Guadalajara.
While in Mexico I had a major facelift, a lip lift, a brow lift, some liposuction on my neck, and major liposuction of my torso. I was treated with great professionalism and respect.
At the time, I wore my hair down below my shoulder blades. After healing, I was called "Ma'am" as often as "Sir" regardless if I were strictly in male attire. I don't believe I carry myself in a feminine manner when dressed male, but it did not seem to matter. Other than a little embarrassment of being referred to as being female in front of some of my employees at lumber yards and similar venues, I loved my new younger and more feminine appearance. I was happier but still something still seemed "off" in my life.
Another trip to Denise seemed like the correct action. We met for several sessions. Her statement confirmed my suspicions and presented me with a hard decision. She said, in effect, that she only saw Jeanette when I was in her office even though I was dressed as a male. She said it was not just my appearance but my outlook on life and the tenderness that flowed from within.
She added that she was sure I was a crossdresser the couple of years or so before when we had met. Denise is a very experienced therapist who could not be easily fooled by a patient into making an incorrect evaluation. She is, however, limited by what her patient is willing to divulge. I had hidden my feminine side so deeply beneath a masculine shell that only my occasional crossdressing differentiated me from the typical, hard working construction worker/husband/father. Now that protective male façade had crumbled, exposing who I truly was inside.
She now felt that I was a transsexual and a lesbian; not the easiest pill to swallow. The problem was, deep inside, I knew she was right.
I did not feel gender reassignment surgery was in my future figuring, at my age, no one was interested as to what was inside my panties. Business was slow at the time and I could not justify going broke to pay for something I doubted would ever be seen or used except for me and an occasional doctor.
Some hurdles had already been crossed. My children knew about me and pledged their support regardless of the journey before me. I could still make a living despite being maliciously "outed" to my major contract and to some of my employees. No one seemed to mind. I still was concerned about making an adequate living but I doubted that I would be relegated to working at night in a fast food place.
My primary obstacle was the great fear that I might do irreparable harm to my wife. This I simply refuse to risk. So with apologies to Virginia Prince who, in 1971, wrote the book "How to Be a Woman Though Male", I pose the problem "How to Be a Man Though Female".
Women are much better than men at sacrificing their own needs for the welfare of those they love and for those for whom they are responsible. A large part of me wanted to toss my male clothes, head for Mexico, get implants on top and bottom, possibly have gender reassignment surgery, and start living as the woman I knew I was.
But, there was an issue that had to be addressed. Jeanette had finally emerged inside me. The potential surgeries, while making me appear more female on the exterior, would potentially do great harm to those I love and kill the woman that now lived within and who now directed my life and actions.
The choice to me became clear: I could have the surgeries and appear to the world as a female. Yet, fulfilling my self serving desires meant reverting to being a selfish, self-centered "damn-the-torpedoes-full-speed ahead" man inside. My second choice was to not have surgery, appear more as a male on the exterior, and still be a woman inside.
I made a decision. If I could not live as a woman then I would do the next best thing: I would try my best to be a great man.
I have sung a song from the musical Wicked twice in the last few months. The first time was when I was asked to conduct a memorial service for a gay friend who suddenly died. The second chance was at a charity fundraiser. I dedicated the song to all of the female friends I have met over the last four years. My favorite lyric is:
"I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn,
And we are led to those who help us most to grow
If we let them and we help them in return.
We'll I don't know if I believe that's true,
But I know I'm who I am today because I knew you".
Most of my best friends are female. I have learned so much from my female friends! We feel no need to hide our emotions or our support for each other. I feel free to question without having to act like an "I know it all" man. I can listen patiently and intently without feeling I must "fix something" in my friends' lives.
These same friends know that, despite the fact I am heterosexual (or a lesbian as the case might be), their friendship is too precious for me to ever entertain sexual thoughts (not the easiest thing when your female friends tend to be extremely beautiful outside and inside). I would die for each and every one of them but would never make a move on any of them.
I am happy that a couple of aspects of being a "real" man have remained with me. I have decided that there is only a small separation between a Southern gentleman and a lady. There is a common gentility, courtesy, and respect shared. One can argue that the traits I will list can easily be attributed to a male as well as a female. This is true, as I hope my life will show over the years. I have seen the surveys of what women want in their man and the consensus is "a bad boy that shares his emotions". Sorry ladies, these men are rare at best. Your "bad boy" is more likely to share his emotions by screaming or slapping you upside your head.
Given that I shall probably never live my life as a woman, this is a short list of how I plan to live as a "great man":
1). I will treat women beyond giving respect. I will learn from them and try to incorporate their best emotional and feminine intuition into my life. I will follow their example of freely giving support and comfort;
2). I will not allow the ignorance and prejudice of some to hinder the great joy I receive from children. Some unenlightened amongst the public consider being transgender a form of sexual perversion... much like pedophilia. I have always loved children. This has been a major part of me for all of my adult life. If socializing, within a setting of adults and children, I leave the adults behind to join the children; talking in my duck voice, and making them smile. I love holding babies. I love playing "peek-a-boo" with toddlers, and I love telling outrageous lies to young children so they will argue with me. I will save my hugs and kisses for my own grandchildren but I will play with other children unashamedly.
3). I will profess my love of Christ whenever I can. I will live my life guided by what I consider to be Cliff Notes version of all the scriptures: Jesus replied "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself." (Matthew 22:37-39)
4). I will use the physical strength I still possess to lift heavy things for those weaker, open stuck pickle jars and laugh it off when I can't, and protect others from harm until my last breath.
A year or so ago, I saw a man physically roughing up a woman. Without thinking of the consequences, I slammed him into a wall and promised to break his neck if he made one more violent gesture towards the woman. It was at that point I realized he was 30 years younger, 5 inches taller, and 40 pounds of muscle larger than me. Thankfully, he backed down or this essay might be printed as part of my obituary.
5). I will not dwell on what I will never become but, rather, concentrate on being the best of what I am. My male side has discovered that I love to sing and act. I have become active with a local theater group, and I have had significant roles in several musicals. I have also produced and performed in a major fundraiser to benefit a scholarship fund for the transgender community. I am taking voice lessons and, while still a neophyte, I am learning and improving with each lesson.
So there it is: I am a woman trapped in a man's body and I have chosen to remain that way. It is a real rarity when I even allow myself the opportunity to dress in feminine clothing and breathe the fresh air (well...as fresh as the air ever gets in Houston).
I will remain a man, but I will allow the woman in me to help me to be the best man I can be.
