Quote from: VannaSiamese on July 17, 2011, 12:35:23 PM
I can say my life is definitely more exciting... and happier for the most part.  However, I'm not completely happy.  I've been living full time for over 2 years now and I still have days that I wonder if I should have done this.  The truth is that I wish I could go back to being a guy and not still want to be a girl... but I don't think that's possible... especially since I've gotten to experience my life as a woman for so long. 
I tend to worry about the future a lot.. what will I be doing, who will I be with, will I always feel some ambivalence and so on.
I remember when I first started transitioning thinking that Oh if I can pass then I'll be so happy and content and everything will be perfect.  However, that's not completely the case.  I wake up passing, and would actually have a lot of trouble to not pass as female... and everything isn't fine and perfect like I thought.  I miss a lot of freedoms I had as a guy, and I also feel restricted as a girl because I haven't had my SRS yet.  I keep telling myself that once I get SRS then everything will be fine, and I suspect there is a lot of truth to that, but still... what if it's not?  I guess that's my biggest worry.
Still, my life as a girl is exciting.  I like how people treat me, especially boys.  I like how I look in the mirror, how my body feels, how I can wear the cloths I want to wear, how I don't have to feel like I'm hiding anything anymore (especially in conversation, I was very restricting with my emotions and facial expressions as a guy).  If ever I were to go back, I would never be the person I was before I transitioned... I would be a much more feminine, pretty/androgynous guy.  I realize that who I once was is never coming back, and at times I feel sad or guilty for that.
Sorry to be depressing but I wanted to be truthful.  However, knowing what I know now... I would have still transitioned. 

sorry may i ask what other restrictions you have?

Well, I can't go swimming or go to the beach. I always feel a need to wear tights or leggings with skirts and dresses because I'm scared of things showing.  I can't have sex as a girl.  I can't take yoga like I want to because I'm scared of things showing.  I can't really wear little shorts and stuff because I'm too worried about things popping out.  Really my whole wardrobe it centered around 1. having a penis 2. having hardly any boobs at all. 
It's all mainly just social restrictions... I feel like I can't do a lot of things that I use to be able to do because I am hiding parts of my body.  I have to limit my wardrobe and I also limit how well I get to know people, especially boys.  Usually it goes like this, I get to know a guy, we start becoming good friends, he asks me out and then I never talk to him again.  It's because I'm fearful of rejection and I don't want to tell him about me.  I'm dating a girl now as of 2 months ago, but still I find myself limiting myself in social settings with strangers, boys especially.  I feel like SRS and BA would solve a lot of these issues.  At least I hope it will. =)

Quote from: VannaSiamese on July 17, 2011, 12:57:34 PM
Well, I can't go swimming or go to the beach. I always feel a need to wear tights or leggings with skirts and dresses because I'm scared of things showing.  I can't have sex as a girl.  I can't take yoga like I want to because I'm scared of things showing.  I can't really wear little shorts and stuff because I'm too worried about things popping out.  Really my whole wardrobe it centered around 1. having a penis 2. having hardly any boobs at all. 
It's all mainly just social restrictions... I feel like I can't do a lot of things that I use to be able to do because I am hiding parts of my body.  I have to limit my wardrobe and I also limit how well I get to know people, especially boys.  Usually it goes like this, I get to know a guy, we start becoming good friends, he asks me out and then I never talk to him again.  It's because I'm fearful of rejection and I don't want to tell him about me.  I'm dating a girl now as of 2 months ago, but still I find myself limiting myself in social settings with strangers, boys especially.  I feel like SRS and BA would solve a lot of these issues.  At least I hope it will. =)

Mind if i give advice?

Ok well first swimming wear a bikini but just wear those board shorts that are meant to be put over bikini's as long as you tuck it should be fine. You are very beautiful and you dont need large breasts for boys to like you. Hmmm boys try make them think you lesbian so they dont ask you out. And yea SRS and BA so will just be glad you wont need to get your A apple shaved like me  trust me your really beautiful and you really are just fearing rejection but i think you need to be rejected once just to get over that fear

Jillian, what your Dad doesn't know is he is gaining a beautiful daughter who is much more happier now. I hope that you both have a great Father-Daughter relationship as you did as a Father-Son relationship. I know it has to hurt your Dad deep down inside over losing a son, but he is gaining an awesome Daughter.  Hugs, Chloe

Quote from: chloe23 on July 17, 2011, 01:42:36 PM
Jillian, what your Dad doesn't know is he is gaining a beautiful daughter who is much more happier now. I hope that you both have a great Father-Daughter relationship as you did as a Father-Son relationship. I know it has to hurt your Dad deep down inside over losing a son, but he is gaining an awesome Daughter.  Hugs, Chloe

I always wonder if i will feel as my mothers daughter

Quote from: LilKittyCatZoey on July 17, 2011, 01:07:47 PM
Mind if i give advice?

Ok well first swimming wear a bikini but just wear those board shorts that are meant to be put over bikini's as long as you tuck it should be fine. You are very beautiful and you dont need large breasts for boys to like you. Hmmm boys try make them think you lesbian so they dont ask you out. And yea SRS and BA so will just be glad you wont need to get your A apple shaved like me  trust me your really beautiful and you really are just fearing rejection but i think you need to be rejected once just to get over that fear

lol girl, I already had my adam's apple shaved =P  So I did need it.  Honestly, you can still sorta see something in my neck, but it's not really very noticeable... it's just because I am so skinny that you can see all the cartilage in my neck from the front.
  <-- now you see it   <-- now you don't

You can also see my scar in a lot of my pictures, I make no attempt to cover it up.  And I do need BA... I have a condition called Pectus Excavatum where my chest sinks down in the middle.  Although my case is very small, I still have it, and it causes my ribs to sorta bow outward, masking my boobs.  They can correct it with BA.  So, even though my boobs are the same size as my gfs, they look half the size because they are obscured by my protruding rib cage. 

Quote from: chloe23 on July 17, 2011, 01:42:36 PM
Jillian, what your Dad doesn't know is he is gaining a beautiful daughter who is much more happier now. I hope that you both have a great Father-Daughter relationship as you did as a Father-Son relationship. I know it has to hurt your Dad deep down inside over losing a son, but he is gaining an awesome Daughter.  Hugs, Chloe

My biological father decided to run, but it's not like I wasn't on the outs with him and my stepmom because of political issues (they had a problem with me, not me with them).  My oldest stepsister, the tattle-tale, decided not to allow me the chance to personally come out to my dad and stepmom because she thought I was doing it all wrong by not telling them first.  So she outed me and I haven't spoken to my dad or stepmom since.  I called on Mother's Day and left a message, they didn't return my call.  Same on my stepmom's birthday.  Then three more attempts went unanswered and calls unreturned.  Then Father's Day, same story.

I've tried calling their house phone (which has talking caller ID) and both of their cell phones, but they won't pick up if it's me.  So I guess it's over for good.  I only knew that they found out about me (and how they found out about me) because my ex-wife told me what went down.

It's okay, though.  I have a wonderful dad in the man my mom married 24 years ago, and whose last name I now share.   Who needs people who don't want me anyway?

Girl

Quote from: VannaSiamese on July 17, 2011, 01:51:24 PM
lol girl, I already had my adam's apple shaved =P  So I did need it.  Honestly, you can still sorta see something in my neck, but it's not really very noticeable... it's just because I am so skinny that you can see all the cartilage in my neck from the front.
  <-- now you see it   <-- now you don't

You can also see my scar in a lot of my pictures, I make no attempt to cover it up.  And I do need BA... I have a condition called Pectus Excavatum where my chest sinks down in the middle.  Although my case is very small, I still have it, and it causes my ribs to sorta bow outward, masking my boobs.  They can correct it with BA.  So, even though my boobs are the same size as my gfs, they look half the size because they are obscured by my protruding rib cage. 

girl your super pretty and does the shave hurt?

Quote from: jillian on July 02, 2011, 07:03:31 AM
My dad says the majority of people like us lead very unhappy lives.  Please tell me the truth, are you happy?

That sounds like a garbled version of Thoreau's quote:

"Most people live
lives of quiet
desperation..."

They say that you are as happy or unhappy as you want to be.    I think that there is a lot of truth in that.

Kia Ora,

" One person's joy is another's sadness  !"

  It all depends on how one chooses to define "Happiness" ?

Metta Zenda

I am far happier then I used to be but the road to finish all this?  Still stresses me out something fierce so I do get down in the dumps fairly easy but... still happier then I used to be.  So that has to count for something right?

seeing that I fly out tomorrow morning for a 23 hour flight to Bangkok and surgery scheduled for Wednesday.........I'm freaking ecstatic right now!!!! 

Quote from: LilKittyCatZoey on July 17, 2011, 01:58:24 PM
Girlgirl your super pretty and does the shave hurt?

It wasn't very pleasant =)  Mainly just because my throat was so sore from the shave and the tube they put down my throat during surgery.  I had a lot of trouble speaking for about a week and then he pulled the stitches out and everything came back to normal over the next few weeks.  I had my scar revised less than a year ago though... that's why it's still sorta noticeable.  I suspect it'll fade completely over the next 2 years... I could put makeup on it but I don't care, nobody knows what the scar means anyway. 

Quote from: Jamie Nicole on July 17, 2011, 06:27:45 PM
seeing that I fly out tomorrow morning for a 23 hour flight to Bangkok and surgery scheduled for Wednesday.........I'm freaking ecstatic right now!!!! 

Congrats!  You are sooo lucky =)

Quote from: VannaSiamese on July 17, 2011, 07:41:43 PM
Congrats!  You are sooo lucky =)

getting SRS, replacing the saline implants with silicone...and bigger, and getting the tracheal shave.....gonna be hurtin immediately post op! but whats the ole saying, no pain no gain? lol 

Jamie,
I wish you the best out come and little pain.
Hugs,
Jillieann

Quote from: Jamie Nicole on July 17, 2011, 08:10:12 PM
getting SRS, replacing the saline implants with silicone...and bigger, and getting the tracheal shave.....gonna be hurtin immediately post op! but whats the ole saying, no pain no gain? lol 

Congrats Jamie. Heal well and quickly
Cindy

Heal well and quickly Jamie, and be Even More Happy!!

Quote from: Jamie Nicole on July 17, 2011, 08:10:12 PM
getting SRS, replacing the saline implants with silicone...and bigger, and getting the tracheal shave.....gonna be hurtin immediately post op! but whats the ole saying, no pain no gain? lol 

best of luck!!

thanks....didnt sleep a wink last night

are you going today Jamie?