Hi Everyone,
I know there is an introduction thread, but I wanted to introduce myself here because of the ftm audience. I guess I'll tell my story and then share why I joined the forum. My story is long, but I hope that I can help others in sharing that they are not alone, because learning about this community and learning I'm not alone is one of the things that has helped me the most.
I've known I've been "in the wrong body" to as far back as I remember. My earliest memory (and one of my most clear) is when I was 3 or 4 and asked my Mom why I was a girl, she told me "That is the way God made you" and I distinctly remember thinking "Well God made a mistake". Growing up I always kept my feud internal. Although I would fight with my mom (who raised me the most) about clothing, hobbies and interest, I would never outwardly say "Well I'm a boy and I don't want to do girl stuff", I just resisted it. Reflecting on it now, I think it's because I always knew I was different and it scared me, I wanted to be able to be myself but I didn't want people to know about how I felt because I thought because it was different it was wrong.
As I got older (up to 11/12), I was always written off as a tomboy. My cousins were my "saviors", they saw me as one of the guys and would occasionally let me wear their clothes and I felt like I was able to be myself with them. In school I had a bit of a tougher time gaining acceptance, and after being given a hard time at one of my schools (I moved around a lot until I was 11) regarding things like little crushes and trying to fit in, I had learned to keep my mouth shut. I remember being in the 5th grade and learning about the menstrual cycle (I had no idea about it prior to that day) and remember praying and hoping that I would never get my period, or get it very late. Of course, I was the first of my friends to get it, only a few months later.
Ages 12-15 was a rollercoaster. I couldn't come to grips to what I should be labeled- (I knew who/what I was but didn't learn about transsexual people until much later). Was I gay? I liked "other girls", but I was not the same thing as a lesbian. That paired with typical teen angst and some bad relationships with first girlfriends made these years rough. I tried to "fit in" and be girly- (I had two of these phases) at first when I was 14 (it was fairly short lived), but I found as I got to High School I had more independence and for the first times I could wear clothes I wanted and not the crap my mom stuck me with. I felt the most comfortable when I dressed the way I felt. At 15/16, after some trouble with peers, I gave into social pressure and forced myself to try to be "straight" again, only this time I was a lot harder on myself than last time - I dressed as feminine as possible, became anorexic to lose weight, and held a relationship with a guy for 2 years. I forced myself to be sexual with him as I became desperate to be "normal". But as I got older, and during this period, I began learning about transsexual people and began realizing I was not alone. I guess something in me kind of snapped and couldn't take suppressing myself anymore- I didn't have the balls yet to break up with the guy I was with, but I slowly slipped into being myself. Allowing myself to take up interests and hobbies I truly cared about, and finally doing something I had wanted to do for years- I went out for, and made, my Varsity Football team (running back). I think this is one of the best thing I've ever done for myself to date. Being in a strictly male environment made me realize how much I truly was who I had believed all along. The way I fit in and the acceptance I gained both from the team and in the school was incredibly reassuring. Before my senior year I finally broke off from that relationship I shouldn't have been in and finally started being ME. Although nobody knew I was "transsexual" and most people believed I was gay, they were still accepting of me and I was finally surrounded by a supportive, loving and great peer group. Although I was happier with myself than I had ever been in my life I still struggled with internal issues, mainly not matching outside who I was inside, as well as the frustrations that came with it, but I usually just ignored it and it wouldn't bother me much. I was distracted and fairly happy with being a good student, an athlete and my new social life. Towards the end of my senior year in high school I got together with my first serious (and still current) girlfriend. A few months into our relationship, being the person that I (still to this day) trusted the most and felt the most comfortable with, I came out to her as being transsexual. She was not only accepting, but has since then been my biggest confidant, supporter and greatly encourages to be myself (she also pretty much figured it out for herself). Fast forward to now, I am 20 and will be a Junior at my University this fall. Only 3 people besides my girlfriend (2 of my best friends and my best friend's mother who is very easy to talk to) "know" about me.
Having the support of my girlfriend and the acceptance and support of my friends has made me feel more comfortable about being more open with who I really am. I now wear the clothes and have the style that's truly me. Although I'm not "out", if I'm ever straight on asked if I identify as transsexual I do not deny it (which has only happened once) but if I get asked if I'm lesbian or bi and just say I'm different and it's a bit more complicated. I'm still not comfortable with outwardly admitting it because I'm still scared and worried about the reception I'll receive. Although I'm sure my family has their suspicions, I have not come out to them. (Which I know I will have to do soon and am hoping therapy can help me with).
Although I was previously more comfortable with "tolerating" who I am on the outside, I've found that the older I get, the less I am able to handle it. I think being in college sort of kickstarted this- one of the most frustrating things I'm experiencing now is I strongly desire to join a fraternity but can't. I don't know why but I've also become a little socially awkward. I've always been easy to make friends, confident, etc- and I still am. But I found when it comes to pursuing things I desire- joining an intramural sports team, wanting to make friends with guys/men who share the same interests- I have a really difficult time. I think it stems from my discomfort with not matching who I am on the inside, and I worry about being rejected because I am physically a girl. I have a variety of friends who I am myself around (although not out to), but I find I spend most of my time with the girls I've known since high school, and although I have a few close friends who are guys, I have a strong desire, almost occasionally feel a need to spend more time with other or more guys- particularly guys my age that share the same general interests. But my mental block and self-consciousness can prevent this.
I have been thinking about pursing hormone therapy and eventually surgery for quite sometime now (I've wanted to do hormones since I was 17), I've been able to kind of ignore it before but I've found the older I get the more I feel a need to pursue matching myself on the outside. I've just become much more serious about it in the last year and a half. Also, I know there isn't a rush, but I just feel like the younger I start, the easier it would be in the future (especially as far as establishing my professional life, as a man) as well as it might be better because I'm still maturing a bit. I keep telling myself I'll go into therapy soon, but I'm both eager and nervous about it. Although it's hard to talk about, getting my period always pushes me to want to pursue this even more, because not only do I feel humiliated and hate the reminder, but I typically get violently ill from it (it's so fun, having my life stop 1-3 days every month). After this last particularly pleasant one I think it's finally given me the push I need to pursue counseling/therapy.
I have so many questions, which I'm sure I'll find the answers to on here. Of course I have some basic ones to start with:
Where do I start?
What kind of advice, words of wisdom, etc can you share with me?
What kind of experiences can you share?
Is there anyone similar (in both age and experience, mostly age) here? (I joined this forum not just to learn but of course to seek others and community)
I would like to start seeing a therapist, but I'm afraid being a college student (who is for the most part self supporting and am putting myself through school) will financially hold me back. My school offers counseling and psychological services which I have taken part in before (but regarding something separate). Now that I am ready, is it possible that the health services (we have doctors, a facility, pharmacy, etc) offered by my school can help in this? Would I be able to gain the proper therapy and recommendation needed to pursue hormone therapy and eventually surgery? Does anyone have experience with this? This would be very helpful as all the services are free to me as a student (paid for in my health fee) or at least discounted.
I'll stop here at these questions.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story and concerns/questions and I look forward to learning from all of you.
