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The "Talk" has happened...

Started by LittlemissSunshine, July 21, 2011, 12:07:01 PM

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LittlemissSunshine

So guys in advance if this post hurts, confuses, offends or generally ticks you off I'm sorry just need to get this down and get peoples points of view.

Basically me and my boyfriend (both of us are 20, although I'm slightly older tipping the scales at 21 this year, whereas he just turned 20) had the talk about our futures. Now I've always from day wanted to be with him and we even got engaged 7 months into the relationship and we've been together 2 years 5 months. But we've been talking more and more about the future and families and homes and jobs, and even who would be the stay at home parent when we have kids. Only to find out he wants us to have kids in the next 2/3 years  :-\, now I'm not against this just scared silly to be honest, I've wanted kids with him since we started seeing each other but always made it clear I had to finish uni, go do my PostDoctorate/further degrees and get a job first. Now I'm in my final year of my degree its started to dawn on me that kids are now more of a possibility for us. But he is still in uni and will be until 2014 roughly. I'm planning on taking a couple of years to work hard and save up money for going onto do further degrees to add to my education and also let me go into the lecturing field of psychology, but we've recently started talking about kids more and I don't know if I'm ready to have kids just this soon.. I want them but I'm scared because he's in uni and yeah our work is good and I get a good maternity package from them if I'm still there but omg didn't know it'd be this soon. However I've also come to the conclusion I'd rather work hard to afford this family, than continue at uni and I am considering leaving uni before finishing my degree and working full time to make this a possibility.
Plus another issue for me, is that he is really really upset about the fact that he cant physically father our kids which is heart breaking for me to see that pain and anger he goes through so regularly. But figured a compromise and he seems OK with the idea of using his gametes to be fertilised and me be the one who's pregnant (so essentially the genetically the children are his, but biologically mine), but the cost of all this scares me as we're young and to be honest I have a ton of debt from uni and I want to focus on his path and getting him the right surgery with the doctor he wants it to be with. His argument to this is that pregnancy lasts 9 months and in that time we can get his surgery during those 9 months.
So essentially after all that rambling is that I'm torn in two to be the wife and mother I want to be, and to continue my education and get the career I want before having my family.
I'm just scared I guess
Thanks for listening well reading me ramble on like this sorry
Rose xx
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LilKittyCatZoey

Hun just tell him that its to soon financially and when your ready financially you can :D :D :D he should understand :D :D
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Ryno

You can't be and do everything at once. You mentioned he wants to start having kids in 2-3 years, so even though that is a short time compared to what you had in mind, it doesn't mean you need make your decision by tomorrow at 3pm. You have a huge one up on many families as many haven't even finished college or university (in first/second year), or even in high school. You do have a stable job from the sounds of it and with careful planning, you can certainly have financial stability as well. There are parents who have raised fine children on extremely low incomes. It is also possible, and common, to have children while taking Masters and Doctorates. These degrees take several years to achieve and while many do put off family until they complete their education, it is possible to take on education and motherhood. Universities do usually offer daycares and your job sounds like it has benefits that may extend to your dependents.

I guess I'm just trying to reassure you since you seem to be in panic mode (which is understandable, I get the same way after hearing sudden, unexpected news). Take a breath, try to relax and give yourself a certain time frame to think over these plans each day. Don't let yourself think about it all day, every day or else you'll get overwhelmed. Sleep on it, take time away from it, and you two will come to the right decision in due time. And keep communicating with your partner. Babies can cause a lot of stress even in the planning stages, so it's very important to keep that door open and talk.

Hope I helped... I'm not a parent, I'm not in school, and I just ended a three-month unemployment streak so the only angle my advice is coming from is one that's not in panic mode :P I hope everything works out and I wish you the best with your future career and family :)
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