My spouse feels that if she died ALL the pain she is causing for everyone will then go away. No worries. She will not actually kill herself. She had a MRI on her brain just so her family can stop blaming a tumor or cancer on her being transgendered. She feels that she is breaking ALL of my dreams.. Guess what? SHE TOTALLY IS NOT DOING THAT!!! Okay so I terminated a pregnancy due to her beginning transition, we froze her sperm, right now the furthest thought is to have a child right now ( Totally understand) we might want to adopt down the road, I do not know if having a child is in my dreams. She feels that she is BREAKING ALL OF MY DREAMS AND SHE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO KEEP ME HAPPY. Is this normal? Will this pain she wants to put on herself go away? Is are marriage completely doomed for unhappiness? I NEED ANSWERS.... I love her unconditionally. I am happy with the direction she needs to go in her transition. I WISH SHE WOULD NOT FEEL LIKE SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE THIS EARTH SO SHE WILL NOT CAUSE PAIN TO ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Will she ALWAYS BE THIS WAY?? She reads alot of spiritual books and is for the most part positive. We are seeing a therapist too. SO MUCH PAIN SHE IS FEELING AND THAT IS THE HARDEST PART FOR ME TO FEEL IS THAT!!!! My only problem with this "new journey" is her true pain right now......... 100% True Supporter!!!!

In a few hours after everyone has had their say in response you should show her this thread.....

Those of us who are married and transition after mariage can go through some serious guilt feelings. Some real and others imagined.

but this is about you really.....

Be honest with yourself and your spouse. Are you truely 100% supportive?
Let me tell you a tad of Cynthia 101. I am not only a transsexual, I am the spouse of a transgender. (My spouse is Sevan, a member of Susans.) Sevan came out as trans shortly after I did. When ze first told me that ze planed on going on testosterone I was outwardly very supportive. But that was a lie. I was not happy at all. I married a woman, not a man or an 'androgyn' as ze started to identify. Yes, I know how two faced that makes me.....
When hir voice and hir privates started to change I was having a very hard time maintaining the facade of support. Luckily I never broke and told hir. (until much later) I had a friend talk some sence into me and I have since come around and now I am a 95% supporter of Sevans transition. There is still that 5% that is unhappy, that would like to have my wife back.....
Eventually I came clean and leveled with Sevan that I was not always as supportive as I played it. There was no fight over this revalation, we simply do not argue...ever. There was a discussion and coming to terms and we moved on.

Do I really want my wife back? NO! She was constantly depressed, I counted pills and kept my guns under lock and key at ALL times. She was moody and broody. My hersband (part girl, part husband) is generaly happy, outgoing and full of energy. The same person but improved in just about every way. I don't remember if I locked my guns all up after I ussed them last and I am not worried about it. I haven't counted pills in over a year.


It is ok to be human, and to voice our frustrations. Just don't blow up.

Now do a soul search and see if you really are 100% and be honest. If there is even 1% that is unhappy, you need to acknowledge that part of you and give it the respect it deserves because if you do not.....it will grow into a monster and consume your relationship.

Thank you so much for the reply. If you and your spouse can be happy then I know the same goes for mine!!!! You two seem to have really gone through A LOT of transition!! Are you pretty happy at this point in your life? I have ALWAYS found the true beauty within everyone and I am really caring. Things will get better I know they will!!!! We are reading Echkert Tolle books, which is a spiritual author , so we can strengthen our spirituality while working on our transition.

Cynthia, my wife and I just read your post. You have summed up many things about transitioning with a SO so well. Thanks.

You and your wife are truly welcome!!!!!

Quote from: qUiRkY qUeEn on July 24, 2011, 10:03:25 AM
My spouse feels that if she died ALL the pain she is causing for everyone will then go away. No worries. She will not actually kill herself. She had a MRI on her brain just so her family can stop blaming a tumor or cancer on her being transgendered. She feels that she is breaking ALL of my dreams.. Guess what? SHE TOTALLY IS NOT DOING THAT!!! Okay so I terminated a pregnancy due to her beginning transition, we froze her sperm, right now the furthest thought is to have a child right now ( Totally understand) we might want to adopt down the road, I do not know if having a child is in my dreams. She feels that she is BREAKING ALL OF MY DREAMS AND SHE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO KEEP ME HAPPY. Is this normal? Will this pain she wants to put on herself go away? Is are marriage completely doomed for unhappiness? I NEED ANSWERS.... I love her unconditionally. I am happy with the direction she needs to go in her transition. I WISH SHE WOULD NOT FEEL LIKE SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE THIS EARTH SO SHE WILL NOT CAUSE PAIN TO ANYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Will she ALWAYS BE THIS WAY?? She reads alot of spiritual books and is for the most part positive. We are seeing a therapist too. SO MUCH PAIN SHE IS FEELING AND THAT IS THE HARDEST PART FOR ME TO FEEL IS THAT!!!! My only problem with this "new journey" is her true pain right now......... 100% True Supporter!!!!

she must really need you to be there for her now. transitioning can be a very emotional experience, and it sounds like she's having her doubts that this is the answer for her. she also sounds like she's the type who wants to put others before her own needs. i think you should try to get her to step back from her preoccupation with others. being too much about the needs of others or being too much about yourself are extremes that can definately turn against you.

My wife is almost dead. She is in a nursing home, paralysed  following accidents that happened years ago. I love her as much if not more now than ever. She knew about Cindy on our second date. We have been married for coming on 30 years. You can live a love. And live well and love well. But you have to live.

Giving in is so stupid you hurt the one you love, and that is NEVER going to help them. If you truly love Quirky; love her truly. I t seems impossible but nothing is impossible.

Cindy

Hugs

Quote from: FullMoon19 on July 24, 2011, 10:19:08 PM
she must really need you to be there for her now. transitioning can be a very emotional experience, and it sounds like she's having her doubts that this is the answer for her. she also sounds like she's the type who wants to put others before her own needs. i think you should try to get her to step back from her preoccupation with others. being too much about the needs of others or being too much about yourself are extremes that can definately turn against you.

I totally understand and we will keep good track of eachothers needs and have fun as well!!! This is not a tragedy like people think it is. We try to keep our heads up high!! Thank you!!

Quote from: Cindy James on July 25, 2011, 04:05:40 AM
My wife is almost dead. She is in a nursing home, paralysed  following accidents that happened years ago. I love her as much if not more now than ever. She knew about Cindy on our second date. We have been married for coming on 30 years. You can live a love. And live well and love well. But you have to live.

Giving in is so stupid you hurt the one you love, and that is NEVER going to help them. If you truly love Quirky; love her truly. I t seems impossible but nothing is impossible.

Cindy

Hugs

I am so sorry to hear that!! Try to keep strong!! She isn't going to kill herself she just sometimes think it could be an option. We are both pretty positive people and will try to not feel that down again!!! It will not do us any good.

Can I ask how you are doing? You must be going through a super hard time right now. If you wish to talk with me you can I will be here for you, Cindy!!!!

We all need to be strong, sometimes it helps to just talk about things

Quote from: chloe23 on July 25, 2011, 07:35:32 PM
We all need to be strong, sometimes it helps to just talk about things

Totally agreed!!!! I can not wait to start talking things out in support groups as well!!!! I love this website!!! Alot of support given!!

That's great for you, support groups and this web site can give you great support. You can gain allot of information thru support groups and this web site to gain knowledge on this subject. I think it is great that as a S/O of  a MTF, your willing to support and learn with her thru her transition. This is both of your journey that will be full of obstacles and potholes, but i think you both have enough strength that will get you thru it. I know that both of you are deeply in love with each other, but you both are still the same person that met and fell in love, that is your strength.  I know it is a very emotional time for both of you, but she will be a much happier person in the end an your relationship will survive. You both need to keep communicating and expressing your feelings in a positive way to help each other thru this and not be ashamed. Don't be afraid to ask questions if you don't know the answer because you will find many friends on Susan's who can help you.

(((((Hugs)))))
    Chloe

I think your problem is almost the opposite of most couples.
My wife does not support me in my transitioning.
She say that she feels it is a mistake.
This is very common in couples where one is trans.
Having a supportive spouse is very unusually. And a very big help for a easier transition.

I do believe that I have broken my wife's heart again.
What I mean by that is that people who love each other also hurt each other.
Otherwise we wouldn't care what the other says or does.
We compromise and change our dreams to accommodate each other.
Although strongly against the transition she is still with me and talking about our future.
I only can wish that she, my spouse, will eventually accept me.
Your spouse is very lucky to have you.
Oh by the way, we have been married for 40 years this September.
Only the last 5 years have I realized the full extend of what is wrong with me and stared hrt 1.5 years ago.

Quotetransitioning can be a very emotional experience, and it sounds like she's having her doubts that this is the answer for her. she also sounds like she's the type who wants to put others before her own needs

I so totally agree with FullMoon.

QuoteMy spouse feels that if she died ALL the pain she is causing for everyone will then go away.

I have had the same feelings. I remember praying that I would lose control of the car and would die in the crash.
Or that I would have a heart attack or stroke and die.
But with time I got over that. Oh! Hrt really helped me.
Hugs,
Jillieann

Sometimes it is very hard to explain things to a spouse and have a spouse understand things in a very emotional time. Maybe she knew she was suppose to be a girl from a young age and tried her best to suppress it. She is just trying to come to term with her feelings and trying to explain things to a spouse who doesn't yet fully understand. I have to give Quirky Queen allot of credit because she is seeking help and information to help her thru this. Even tho i don't agree all the time with things and opinions, it helps to hear both sides of the story. The question i don't understand is how she is putting her self and needs in front of every one else. How many marriages and families have been broken up because of a persons need to transition and have SRS, many. Did , many survived. but it is up to both partners to make it work. Did these people put their needs in front of everyone else, maybe yes and maybe no. I know relationships will change dynamically during transition no matter what. I firmly believe if she always felt she should have been a girl, she will transition no matter what happens, and i hope she makes the right decision. What ever road she decides to take, i wish Quirky Queen and her the best.

Chloe

Thank you everyone for your kind advice. Right now, I hear my partner crying and I have tried to hug her and be there for her, but right now she needs to get it out. She has always been a female at heart and I am dieing for her to complete that part of her!!!! She has to go to work in men clothes for the time being and works in construction. She HATES and I repeat HATES the fact she has hurt people she loves and also HATES the fact that she has to lie to ppl at her work till the new transgender anti discrimination law is active in October. EVERY SINGLE day is a HUGE struggle for her she is living two separate lives is practically burning the candles at both ends!! She was 240 lbs about 4 months ago and now is under 180!!!! She has tons of willpower to be pretty and I admire her for that BUT she is working to damn hard BUT she makes clear of my boundaries to insure she has to do this and it is in her best interest. OMG I could go one for days about what is going on with her BUT in time I will get it out!! The main thing that hurts me the most is not the fact I am losing my husband, or our families wont like us anymore (the family part can wait till later) she NEEDS ME MORE THEN THEY DO RIGHT NOW!!!!! I am not mad, my heart is breaking for her pain inside. I am not known as a leader but I knew I needed to be strong for her for this. We will get threw this. At least I hope. She wants does think of hurting herself but can never do it... I have to get that part out!!!!!! We are seeing a therapist too. My partner sees her every week & she is on Tumblr & Susan's. So I am praying that ppl she speaks with help her too!!!!

I am so happy to hear that you and your spouse are see a therapist.
Oh I so know how it is to dress in men's clothing when you know that it is a lie.
I wear gender neutral clothing at home because of my wife. But also have to wear men's clothing to work.
It hurts.
Wow she really does have will power. Is she on hrt yet?
Just stay by here side Q Queen ans hang in there this is a roller coaster journey. Allot of ups and downs.
Hugs,
Jillieann
 

Quirky, i feel the pain for both of you. There is no doubt she is female at heart, and it has to be very difficult leading a double life. It is very tough working in a male predominant job as construction and having to wear men's clothing to work. Hopefully when the time comes, the men will accept her as a woman and understand why she needs to do this. I know she feels she is the breadwinner for the family, but there is no doubt she could still work construction as a female if she chooses too. I know some things she does now easily as a male will be a little harder for her as a female because of loss of strength, but she will manage. You may feel you are losing a husband, but you are gaining a beautiful wife in the end. She will be a beautiful person deep down inside, a person at peace with her self. If you both are truly in love with each other, there is no reason why you both cannot have a great lesbian relationship with each other. I am glad both of you are seeing a therapist too.

Hugs,
Chloe

It is very tough working in a male predominant job as construction and having to wear men's clothing to work

Don't female construction workers dress in pretty much the same stuff?  Form follows function and all.  My union's dress code is EXACTLY the same for men as for women, as it does not even different between the two.

Sorry, you are right. Every clothes is the same except for a bra and panties that she would wear, lol

 Is she on hrt yet?


[/quote]
Yes she is, 3 - 4 months I think. I sure hope your wife does come around. How long has she known about you being transgender? I have know something to the affect for 4 years. I am very open minded. Of course, I am in pain myself, but I need to be positive for my partner too. Your wife will hopefully soon realize that letting you be 100% what you feel in your heart she will have her partner 100% too. I hope that you are hanging in there!! You have been married for 40 years that is a long time. I hope you and your wife the best!!