Life is an amzing thing.  I sit here and wonder about all the great mysteries of our existence, constantly.
Ive never considered my life one of privelege, although I am sure some would. I was middle, working class as a kid, but never felt really like an individual. In fact it always seemed my individuality was always shot down.  Well, no more.

  Since coming out, as some of you know, Ive been called the devil. Yes by someone who thinks all Bob Marley did was smoke weed, but this person is also my mother. My father called me to tell me he was watching law and order and there was a case where a pedophile was assaulting children and it turned out that it was a tumor causing this behavior.  To me, I took it as they would rather have me have a brain tumor, than be trans.  My sister wont talk to me, my other sister is mad because I was on facebook and called my spouse the most amazing human being I know.  Dont get me wrong, I have allies, it just sucks to have this kind of dynamic in my blood family.

  I am seeing a therapist, and I have been suicidal. Within the last month my chin was nestled on a 20 gauge sawed off, ready to go. I couldnt do it, not because I didnt want to, but because I was scared the gun wouldnt do the job and Id wind up a vegetable. From that point on I decided that nothing can be worse than considering suicide, so I began transitioning. Ive felt more positive, although I get utterley depressed by the weirdest things such as a .5 move in pounds on my scale. Or a new zit that I didnt plan on. I get depressed over the mirror and my looks. I get depressed when I am not sure what to wear, be it girl mode or boy mode. I dont know half the time how to dress. I want to go full time, but I know I wont pass. I want to tell everyone that I am trans, but I have no employment security, or even civil rights in this state until oct 1st.|

  So this morning, when I was all alone, I was ready to die once again. Not by my own hands, but by the hand of god. I prayed that the mri I got to satisfy my families demands would turn up an inoperable brain tumor. I prayed that someone would find out I was trans and murder me. I prayed that an accident will happen at work, anything that will alleviate me of this body and set my soul free. I know, I know, you all are thinking, you are ->-bleeped-<-ed up. I am. However to me death is not the end, and I am not afraid of it one bit, and when I contemplate the current situation I see just how my death would actually benefit the ones I love in the long run. My wife would eventually get over me, and wind up meeting someone who can make her dreams come true. My parents wouldnt have to be ashamed that their son is now their daughter, and they too will eventually get over it, in fact it would probably bring my family closer together. The very small handful of people I have called my friends, will be sad. They will cry, but they too will get over it, in fact it would probably help their egos and get them some free drinks at the bar at least once a year.   The people I work around will never have to face the decision of being bigots or loving caring humans...

  I mean I think about it, and it aches me to see how many people I will effect, just by living. Why does it matter, my soul existed before this life, and it will exist beyond it, why should I have to endure this mistake. I could come back in the biologically correct body. I know in this life I can never obtain enlightenment. Its to late, my mind is already set on the physical. Yes I have begun to seperate my soul from my consciousness, I have seen that there is a path of enlightenment and that there is far more to this reality than what we experience or is discussed in the public voice.  So you can see why my fear of death is slipping away. Do I want to die? I dont know, I just think it would be more beneficial to everyone else, and it doesnt matter anyways.

   So then I think, if it doesnt matter, why not live? I think, maybe I can find enlightenment. Maybe that this is my path, and I am looking at someone elses. Maybe my enlightenment will come from my perspective. Ive come from a priveleged family that shunned on individualitty and honored the material, I worked my way deep into drug addiction and lived homeless on the street, I got clean and worked my way into a 6 figure job and a respectable person in the industry, and now, now that I am being open and honest with myself, now I am transcending gender.  I often wonder what Jesus would say if it was just him and I. Would he understand? Would the buhdda even think twice?  Would mohhamed condemn me? Does it matter?

   I have no idea what the future holds. I dont even know what the next 5 minutes hold.  I dont know if I will live to 100 or die from a anuerism as I type this, and never post it. I do know that I am at peace with my eventual demise, and that as tragic as you, you, him, and her, and everyone else may make it seem, I can find the positive in it. I can find the positive in living as well, so maybe this is a good thing. I know that this morning I was so utterly depressed that I broke out in shingles again on my finger. 3 tiny little bumps. The last time I was this desperate it happened as well.  I am sure alot of you will tell me everything is going to be okay, and that it will get better, and that maybe I need to be on medication....I can honestly say that anyone who says that to me is lying. No one knows what the future holds. Life may get unbearable, I may die, my loved ones may die and we may never make amends.  The only better will be my perspective. I dont think it can get any better. Are you afraid to die? I am not, I am ready. In fact, I am fascinated by it. To me it is like an amazing journey, one that I have to wait my whole life to go on.

   Please understand that I am not typing this because I need advice, or I want attention. I am typing this because I have to get it out. I have to share what my soul feels, and just how it is interpreting my humanity.  Please understand that I do not type these words in anguish or hurt. At this moment I am at peace. I am at peace in the most twisted society that I have ever experienced. Not because I am being me, or because people love me. I am at peace because I know what comes next. I have lived before, and I will live again. For the time being, I will persevere. For if death doesnt scare me, then what should? Shame, hate, jealousy, pain? 

  Thanks for taking the time to peer inside of me. I know I am not perfect, and I know I can be ugly. But beauty is nothing more than a state of mind, and staes of mind are subjective. I love you all. This is not goodbye, so please dont fret. 

I have a 12ga too but also put it back on the rack. I think to take one's life would not be difficult if one is not afraid of death but to live on in spite of overwhelming pressures-that takes real courage.

Alot of us have had these thoughts and worked on through them to see another day. I want to live as I should have from the beginning-female. If I killed myself I would not get to-at least in this lifetime.

Sharing somewhat of your pain,
Randi

Can't believe I read that. It was very long, but it was also very interesting.

I have a different view on what life and death is. I don't believe in any religion or even deep spirituality. I don't embrace the idea of a God or Goddess. I don't believe in the soul; except that what most people think the soul is, is nothing more than perception, memories, and brain processes.

I don't believe in life after death or in reincarnation. I personally believe that once my brain dies, I am dead, and the only remnants of my existence is in the memories of others.

These beliefs have helped me live a rich and full life. While I've made my mistakes, I've done my best to atone for them. I've "struggled" with suicide on one specific occasion many years ago, but these views are what's kept me alive. The belief in knowing that I only exist one time only, and that I can never exist again; it made me want to continue to live.

I do fear death now. Why? For the experiences. Sure, up to this point, my life has been a train wreck. I was expelled from every school I joined, I got sent to boot camp and harassed about being gay. I've made it over a seemingly unclimbable wall, and now that I have, I am much happier. Now that I am happy, I am experiencing life, not just living it. I am smiling, having fun, making friends, and I have an inner peace that I've never experienced. The thought of ending it now, after I've come so far, is terrifying to me.

3 years ago, I thought very differently. Almost the same as you do now. I wouldn't have minded dying and suicide was a constant thought in the back of my mind. But once you get over the initial hump, it gets SO much better.

It's good that you can share these thoughts. It's much more helpful than having them rattle around your head.

You underestimate the impact of suicide on other people including the ones you think may not care about you. Suicide leaves deep psychological wounds that may never fully heal. I am still hurt by my grade school friend who killed himself but I didn't find out about until 20 years later.

I agree with a couple of things you said, you don't know what the future holds and maybe my enlightenment will come from my perspective. One time I was in a bad mood and walked into a restroom and above the urinal was a sticker that said "everything's gonna be okay." Is it, really? No, of course not. People will get sick and die just a as I will and there will be suffering, that's just life. However, my perspective about it can and will change and it will be okay. Not perfect, not even the way I want it but okay. My transition has caused confusion and pain among my family and friends
and has forever changed my relationship with my wife but it okay, even good and great sometimes.

It has been quoted here before;

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You get what you need

-Rolling Stones

I have always heard that the best revenge is to be successful.  It may be hard to live with the people who are against you now, but think about how great it will be to show them how wonderful a thing transitioning can be. 

After I started to transition, my parents barely spoke to me. 2 of 3 brothers stopped entirely.
That was 20 years ago.
Then one brother dies and I attended his wake, with both parents and the remaining brothers.
My mother told some one there, she had never seen me happier and after a LONG talk with the brothers, all is healed.

I agree with the above poster.... Success is the best revenge 

Hi dear,
"no one knows what the future holds". RIGHT! So don't even try to figure it all out, it WILL always be something else.

What you do know "you are a girl inside" some knowing to work with. What OTHERS think is ultimately THEIR issue, too tough.

Your mentioned drug habit, it is connected to what you are,  your inner struggle. I see it with a cousin of mine, you have even similarities in looks.
Drugs are SELF-MEDICATION and will only take away the symptoms for a while, and the pain of being in the wrong body will return over and again.

You have taken a huge step to acknowledge who you are: A male body with a female brain. Most folks will hardly if ever want to grasp that.
Note: "What they can't feel, they can not understand!"

Stop punishing yourself for who you are, you were born this way - AND IT IS NOBODIES FAULT EITHER! Not yours not anyone else's. WHAT IS, IS!

We all go through dips, often major ones, but we also emerge again. Take some deep breaths talk to your new found family here and get tough my good girl :-)

Women are not the wimps they often made out to be, they are survivors! Find your centre and your inner female strength, honey.
It is there!

Be good,
Axelle

Please Allow me to introduce myself I'm a woman of wealth and taste
I've been around for a long Long year stole many a mans soul and faith
I was 'round when Jesus Christ had his moment of doubt and pain made
Damn sure pilate washed his hands and sealed his fate......
Pleased to meet you hope you guessed my name ah but what's puzzling
You is the nature of my game.......