This site already has great threads and Wiki entries on coming out to parents, more so than any other site I participate in.
There is however, one drawback, in that they are normally TS based and I am not comfortable with those, so I have written down what I want to say, just like Kay suggested
https://www.susans.org/wiki/Telling_your_parents What I have written will not be relevant to most people here so please understand that while you make think this a load of rubbish there may be others who can relate to this.
My parents are divorced and my brother lives on the other side of the Atlantic so I am going to have to tell the same story to my Mum, my Dad and my mother in law and then my Brother, so I have to be consistent across time and distance.
I am telling my parents because my wife told her parents that my gender issues were part of the reason she is leaving me and they wanted to know if I had told my parents !!! The split is amicable, she is leaving me our house and children. Our kids are away at college but still need our home as a fixed base until they settle down. My parents in law live just down the road from us and pop in and out and my children always call in to see them when they are home. (My parents in law reaction so far seems to have been to ignore it !!! but I am worried that they will speak to my parents)
Coincidence or not, all my children have decided that they want to move back home and one has already arrived, unpacked her bags and wanted to make a cake with me on Saturday
It's changed my perspective, I can not now rely on my wife to look after the kids, I've got to do it, and in many ways I'm looking forward to it. There's a poem by Martha Benton "To my children", the last part of which is:
But soon you'll be standing waving,
As they go on their way.
To live their lives the way they want,
Leaving behind just memories of yesterday.
Oh, where have all the years gone--
What happened to those babies of mine?
I turned around a moment too long--
And now they've crossed the grownup line.
It's as if I have been given a second chance, to be with them, to hold them, to love them, and make cakes with them
I drove south the other weekend to visit my parents and tell them what was happening. In the end I didn't tell them about Ruth, just the separation was enough for that visit and as I drove back home I had 6 hours to mull over what I would tell them next time.
I've never felt "a woman trapped in a man's body" and from early on used the Harry Benjamin definition of "Dual role ->-bleeped-<-" as the nearest appropriate pigeon hole. I agree with those of you who say to hell with definitions but my family has a right to an explanation.
From my earliest memories I have always been two people, me and my friend would play together, Monopoly was fun – we would cheat to beat the bank
and at school we would talk to each other, which could be disconcerting to those around us, but when we reached puberty we realised that one was male and the other female and that got us into a lot of trouble and we ended up leaving that school. Fortunately my uncle helped me get into another school and every time I see him I always say thank you !! It gave me a fresh start and I locked my female character away, got on with life, qualified, married, had children and settled into "normal" life.
Until I reached my mid life crisis and everything went bad very quickly. I remember sitting at my desk staring at a pile of unpaid bills thinking there is no way out, except for a quiet voice inside my head saying "I can help – let me out"
So I went to see a women who ran a dressing up service and explained that I wanted to go back to the last time I had seen my "friend". She helped with the make up and clothes and said "I am now going to turn the mirror and I want you to tell me the first thing you think when you see your reflection" When she turned the mirror I said "OMG that's my sister, or what I think she would have looked like if I had a sister".
Consider a rowing boat with two oars side by side and two rowers rowing but not in time and just going round and round in circles, but if they row together they can row faster than one person on their own. Once I stopped fighting Ruth and let her out we worked together to sort out our problems and life got better.
However, part of solving my own problems was telling my wife and children, which dumped part my problems onto them. Good for me not so good for them and after 3 years of trying to cope with Ruth my wife has had enough and is moving out
I've had counselling and found it very useful to help me understand myself but it is no cure. My gender issues were always there and will never go away. So all the time Ruth pushes and pulls, one step further, one step further, as she assert strives to assert herself. Her own friends, her own (non TG) social circle and plans for own employment, so the secondary personality becomes the primary personality and the male role diminishes and fades into the background.
Sunday was Ruth's day for visiting friends so I went to let my daughter know I was on my way out and when I would be back, she just looked at me with big sad eyes
So it's not my fault, it's not your fault, its not anyone's fault. If I had known as a teenager what I know now my path would have been very different, but then I would not have had three wonderful children and I feel that my children are for life not just for the good times.
I am trying to live with being pulled in two directions and just as I try to support and love my children, I ask that you support and love me.
