It's a strange situation.  My domestic partner always considered herself a straight woman, until she met me, and pretty much still does.  She hit on me in a bar when she was pretty loaded, to ignite our relationship.

She insists she has never been the least attracted to women, but she must be, to have hit on me.  She is particularly attracted to my female-soft skin.  But she likes to screw, and in her mind, as long as I am screwing her, it's a straight relationship - even though in my mind I am using a strap-on to do it.

She's 53, and her best friend is 25.  Her best friend is totally straight, and considers my girlfriend to be a second mother figure.  They're drinking buddies.

I have seen enough lesbians (and straight guys with no chance) carrying torches for straight women to recognize it when I see it.  They like the way they feel to just be around the woman for whom they carry the torch, so they don't make a move that might blow it.

The first time the friend was here, I treated her like a friend of the couple.  Then it came time for the friend to go home, and we walked her home, and took my 14 year-old dog along.  The dog trailed behind, I had to hang back with the dog, and watching them ahead of me, I recognized the crush.  It looked just like eighth grade.  OK, you're home now, but I don't want this to end, but I can't make a move.

Then my GF was furious with me, saying I was hitting on her friend.  So, like with my GF's family, I was just totally cut out of that relationship.

I know that the conscious mind is not the whole mind.  The conscious mind, in the words of one author, "circles the rim of the volcano, observing the workings of the actual brain in turmoil."  I also know that pure homosexuals and pure heterosexuals are extremely rare, that most people are actually bisexual, with a strong tendency to be attracted to one sex, but not entirely unattracted to the other.  So my view is that my GF harshly represses her bi impulses, but alcohol lowers her inhibitions against it.

Yesterday, she had the day off and started drinking early.  Then the friend called, and suggested coming over to our place when she got off work.  I agreed to take her to pick up her friend after work, because my GF long-ago lost her license for drunk driving.  That was the plan, and I knew I'd be cut out.

It was my GFs day to make dinner, and about 90 minutes before her friend got off, she started cooking, putting a batch of potatoes in oil to fry.   Then she goes outside and doesn't come back.  She's cleaning the car for her date, and forgot about the potatoes.

It's almost time to go get her friend, and she goes outside again.  I figure she is finishing cleaning the car.  When it's time to go, I go outside, and she's gone.  She's taken my car, against my oft-expressed prohibition against her driving drunk, to go pick up her friend, I presume, because she wants to be alone with the other girl.  When she comes home, I confront her about taking the car.  She has her back to her friend, and she tells me sincerely that I told her she could take the car, and she winks at me to lie for her, and agree.  Just like a guy telling another guy not to embarrass him in front of a chick she is hitting on.

I had previously told my GF my girl-crush theory, and she got livid.  Last night, I just went in the bedroom, shut the door and watched TV.  When I came out to walk the dog at 10PM, they were gone.  No note.  When I got back, she was passed out stone drunk sideways on the bed, so I slept on the couch.  This morning, she has no memory of anything that happened after she started making dinner.

It was only a week ago, she woke up in the morning after passing out drunk, and couldn't make it to the bathroom.  She collapsed on the couch, and ->-bleeped-<- herself.  I figure, if somebody can't admit they have a drinking problem after something like that, they never will.

I often say, and I mean it now too: I write this stuff to clarify my own thinking on the subject, and to make myself face the truth of the situation in black and white.  But honestly, considering this and my other post about wrong gender-presentation for her family reunion, I find myself wondering if there is anybody in this community who thinks this relationship has a chance?

Hmm, maybe things can be salvaged, after all, a crush is usually only a fleeting feeling, and it generally requires two people willing to act on things, and unless I missed it, you didn't mention how the friend feels, just that she was straight.

There are 3 problems though as I see it, based on what you said. The biggest one is communication, it doesn't seem like she wants to here your opinions or thoughts on her, moreover she seems to be afraid to communicate with herself. The second problem is that if she indeed has a crush, then her emotions are split, at least partially away from you, meaning the relationship isn't as strong as it should be. The 3rd issue, is that it seems she has a drinking problem.

I don't mean she is an alcoholic per se, you didn't give us enough information to know that, but when you have to drink to express or act on feelings then you are at great risk, to need alcohol to function. I consider needing it for anything more than a generic loosening up a bit, to be a problem best resolved in therapy, after all why should you need liquid courage to live your life? But, this is a rather unpopular view of mine, feel free to disregard it.

I think you do have legitimate concern for worry, though i am of the opinion that if you want to stay in your relationship you should try and find a way to make it work.