I've felt like I was going crazy, like literally going to end up in the asylum or something.

For me it has taken time for my body to get used to the hormone changes, and it's been bumpy at times for me. One big thing I noticed once I went full time (and started HRT) was that I became hyper aware of my body. I mean, for the first time in my life I really wanted to be in my body. I became hyper careful about wearing my seat belt, and driving carefully for example. But I also noticed other things, like when my body would twitch for example it would freak me out like something might be wrong, or if I got a headache I might think I had a brain tumor or something. I'd lie awake in bed at night freaking out that I had gone through all this stress of dealing with being trans and accepting this path only to die from some disease. Multiple times this has gone into full on panic attacks, and I've even lost sleep over it (which I always make up eventually, but still).

What's weird is that most days I feel totally normal and just like an average girl. I'm so content and happy and people around me even comment about how much more content and happy I seem compared to my old self. I think that my body must be going through stages of fighting the HRT or something sometimes because there are some days I just feel really off. Much more susceptible to anxiety and self doubt and fear.

One day about a month ago after a couple rough nights with anxiety and doubt I awoke to just find myself in a funk. Around noon I finally relented and just gave up. I thought maybe I was just crashing from transition and something was wrong. So I got out some boy clothes and just told myself I'd be a boy for the day. I got completely dressed in boy clothes, thinking that at least I'd find a little relief for a few hours while I sorted stuff out.

It did nothing. I still felt just as messed up as before. Being a boy didn't help. I still felt the same. Which actually cheered me up. Boy mode wasn't the cure for me.

Anyway, I've been much better lately. I still have moments of panic and anxiety. I think I'm still getting used to this new body, and certainly getting used to caring about it and wanting it to be healthy. I don't actually go crazy, I just feel like I am sometimes.

I am crazy from NOT being on any meds. When I first got on E my moodiness and mental distress disappeared and I could function very well.

Princess, when I began taking Spiro my sexual function began to decrease and seminal discharge became increasingly clear fluid only and my testicles shrank drastically in a very short amount of time-they went from say bigger than a silver dollar to being the size of a nickel and my sexual function was gone. I am not sure that qualifies as ancedotal-I'm just saying it worked for me as an anti-androgen. When I included Estrogen injections with that my secondary characteristics started to develop also very quickly so I am satisfied with the result and am looking forward to going on hrt again soon.

Randi

Quote from: Princess of Hearts on July 30, 2011, 09:43:37 PM
Vanna, my post above wasn't aimed solely at you.   I have seen your photos Vanna and you are beautiful and completely passable.

Thank you, you're post was very insightful =)
My breasts are going to be a different story though.  I have Pectus Excavatum, which gives me a slight dip in my chest.  Even if I did grow bigger boobs, they still would look a little off because my chest caves in.  They can correct it a lot when doing BA though, by how they arrange the implants.  I will need to go to somebody who specializes in breasts though for them to correct it...

Madelyn, I tried this same thing with guy cloths about 2 months ago.  All it did was divert my attention from my problems to trying to be a guy... but soon the diversion wore off and I somehow fell back into being a girl.  I just get these feelings that i'll never be satisfied, and that's what drives me crazy.  However, some days I'm on top of the world... it just comes and goes.  About 80% of the time I'm as happy and confident as can be, and then for about a week straight I'll get really anxious and upset about unimportant details on my body.  I am doing better though, just posting it and not keeping it bottled up has helped a lot.  I try to hide my periodic crazy obsessions from others, much like I tried to hide my femininity years ago... =)

From the other posts seems I'm not the only one that goes back & forth, up & down, in & out. Big doses of E were the only things that calmed me down. Hot flashes were scary but I got used to them. Since relocating I'm having a struggle to resume HRT & a new doc. I'll be so gald when all is back to normal. I'm a little/lot crazy without them.

Hormones don't just have a physical effect.  They also effect how the brain operates.  I have certainly noticed big changes in my emotions.  Don't discount their effect on the brain.  Emotional swings are common as you are effectively going through a second puberty.  Frustration and anxiety can also be effects especially early in transition as your body tries to fight back and restore T levels.  For FTMs Testosterone can increase agreesion and give a short temper.

Quote from: Princess of Hearts on July 30, 2011, 09:41:38 PM
Vanna, honey, HRT isn't comparable to the natural oestrogen/testosterone that genetic females/males have.    Big Pharma has dreadfully mislead us with HRT.  Which don't forget isn't designed for people like us.  It is designed for 40 something genetic women who want to maintain a relatively youthful appearance and a moist vagina.  These women are NOT looking for breast development, their breasts developed 25-30 years ago.    The same goes for Spiro, if you got your information here at Susan's about Spiro then you could  well be forgiven for thinking that Spiro is an anti-androgen with blood pressure lowering as a secondary function.  The terrible truth is that Spiro is first-and-foremost a drug used to lower blood pressure, and claims that it lowers significantly androgens circulating in the male body is anecdotal at best.   I don't want my fellow transsexuals/transgender to get their hopes up that hrt is a wonder drug that will give you normal size breasts for your chest size if only you will hang in there long enough.   Do I need to say it again?   Hrt isn't designed for us.  It is designed for  middle-aged genetic women.  You are taking something that isn't designed for a male body.  Something that will never give you anything beyond poached eggs sized breasts and will damage your liver long-term.  How sensible is that?

Sorry, but you're talking absolute non-sense. Oestrogen used for HRT is sourced in several different ways, but none of it is 'designed' for any specific usage. Certainly the primary market is post-menopausal women, but the idea that they've created a specific type of oestrogen to achieve certain effects and not others is just ridiculous, it simply doesn't work that way. The reason many MTF's do not advance fully through the Tanner stages of breast development is down primarily to the age at which they start. MTF's starting pre-puberty will almost certainly advance fully through the Tanner stages and develop normal female breasts. The lack of breast size appropriate to chest size is because of testosterone damage leading to an increased chest size, so the same sized breasts on a MTF will often look smaller than they do on a cisfemale.

Regardless of age and chest size though, it's entirely possible you will develop great breasts given time, and if not then there's always breast implants.

(I'm not sure about spiro as it's not used in the UK, we use Zoladex which stops your body from producing testosterone entirely.)

Jenn you have the neck of a beautiful ballerina 
the 'mones make me more comfortable with myself even though i have to hide most of the changes (except my face seems to be a give away) no more emotional or moody than i was.

 No they do not make me nuts. They do, however, make me muuuuch harder to deal with, and I find that to be perfectly okay

P.S. estradiol = a potent natural estrogen responsible for feminization, and spironolactone in high doses reacts on the adrenal glands to make them produce fewer androgens. If that's what you're given them for, then that's what they will do.

Quote from: BilliTex on July 31, 2011, 08:17:45 PM
Jenn you have the neck of a beautiful ballerina 

I was thinking exactly the same thing.

I can't help much since I'm going the opposite way you are...but I just wanted to pop in and say your neck looks good. And you shouldn't worry about any leftover bump you have...I'm female-bodied and have always had a bit of an Adam's apple bump from certain angles. I know I'm not the only one either. :3

@princess of hearts

The evidence that espiro has an AA effect is not anedoctal. Doctors ( or future doctors like me ) are teached about its AA effects and how to carefully use it in patients so our MALE patients don't begin developing breasts and have erectile dysfunction.

With that said, yes, it is primarily used to control high blood pressure, but the truth is that it can be used as an AA as well. The terms effect and side-effect go towards desired and undesired effects of a medication, not necessarily towards what it was designed for. There are many medications that have effects other than what was their primary design, and they end up being used primarily for things others than what they creators thought of.

Example? Dimenhydrinate, or Dramine. Here in Brazil, it is commonly used as a medication to sleep. VERY commonly. Doctors don't prescribe it as such, but the general populace uses it for that end. It was primarily designed to stop nausea and motion sickness. So for some people the sleepiness can be seen as a side effect, but other groups see it as a desired effect.

So for US, TG girls, the AA is the effect of espiro with the possible lowering of blood pressure and the peeing being it's side effects (Unless if you somehow benefit from that due to high blood pressure!).

Quote from: BilliTex on July 31, 2011, 08:17:45 PM
Jenn you have the neck of a beautiful ballerina 
the 'mones make me more comfortable with myself even though i have to hide most of the changes (except my face seems to be a give away) no more emotional or moody than i was.

Hehe I think that was my neck you were talking about, she was quoting me so the pic appeared under her post also... and thank you =)


I am starting to feel a little more stable since I made this post, but again I'm having thoughts of detransition.  I've been depressed and crying everyday since my cat died, maybe that has something to do with my unpleasant and crazy feelings.  The truth is that I love being a girl, but I just can't stand the obsessions that I have.  I know my life would be worse as a guy, but at least I could free some space in my mind.  I just have a lot to think about =)

Currently in can't-start-HRT-limbo and I could not imagine being crazier or more obsessive about my appearance than I am now lol 

Does being 10 times more of a bit** to everyone count as going crazy? i cant help it so i think it counts 

Vanna I wouldn't worry too much about the Adam's Apple.

I can recall where I used to work, two of the more attractive women were on the other side of the  lab bench one day.  I noticed one of them had a quite pronounced Adam's Apple. It didn't detract from her looks at all, she was just as attractive as the other, I just had never noticed it until then.

Cindy Crawford probably felt the same about the mole on her face when she started out in modelling, but it didn't seem to affect her carreer.

Karen.

Believe it or not some cis women have visible bulge there. Mainly Asian women but women no the less so Vanna dont worry so much  And they also look super super pretty. That bulge wont clock you

Quote from: Princess of Hearts on July 30, 2011, 09:41:38 PM
Vanna, honey, HRT isn't comparable to the natural oestrogen/testosterone that genetic females/males have.    Big Pharma has dreadfully mislead us with HRT.  Which don't forget isn't designed for people like us.  It is designed for 40 something genetic women who want to maintain a relatively youthful appearance and a moist vagina.  These women are NOT looking for breast development, their breasts developed 25-30 years ago.    The same goes for Spiro, if you got your information here at Susan's about Spiro then you could  well be forgiven for thinking that Spiro is an anti-androgen with blood pressure lowering as a secondary function.  The terrible truth is that Spiro is first-and-foremost a drug used to lower blood pressure, and claims that it lowers significantly androgens circulating in the male body is anecdotal at best.   I don't want my fellow transsexuals/transgender to get their hopes up that hrt is a wonder drug that will give you normal size breasts for your chest size if only you will hang in there long enough.   Do I need to say it again?   Hrt isn't designed for us.  It is designed for  middle-aged genetic women.  You are taking something that isn't designed for a male body.  Something that will never give you anything beyond poached eggs sized breasts and will damage your liver long-term.  How sensible is that?

I agree.  I was on Spiro for 3 years but now got symptoms of dizziness and dehydration.  I'm going back to the doctor for different drugs.  It's frustrating!

Quote from: parasol on August 02, 2011, 04:13:23 PM
I agree.  I was on Spiro for 3 years but now got symptoms of dizziness and dehydration.  I'm going back to the doctor for different drugs.  It's frustrating!

I think spiro is a risky drug to begin with. They really need to get androcur stateside.

Quote from: Sunnynight on August 04, 2011, 10:57:44 AM
I think spiro is a risky drug to begin with. They really need to get androcur stateside.

  Yeah I get androcur or the generic version of it oversea's. My endo knows I prefer taking it over spiro and doesn't mind at all. 

Both Androcur and Spiro have risks, just different ones.

Androcur is hard on your liver.
Spiro is hard on your kidneys.