Hi,

I've been lurking in the background for months now.  I would like to ask all the ladies who have traveled this road, their suggestions on telling one's children.  I'm 51, been on HRT for 3-1/2 months with nice results already, and doing all the other things we as TG/TS's are just blessed with. I'm seeing a therapist, moved the northern California with my ex fiancée, who's now my best friend.  I'm out to almost everyone and living full time, except at work, a small engineering co, where the plucked eyebrows and earrings just might give me away.  But I wear glasses there, so like Clark Kent, no one can see my secret identity, LOL.  I plan on telling work in April after I come into some extra funds.  My therapist is writing a letter too.  Not too worried, as the boss is very nice, the HR guy is gay and the company is diverse to say the least.  LOL it's one of many reasons we moved here from southern Florida.   

Anyway, I have three children that live in Kansas with their mom, (Boy 16, Girl 14 going on 18, and my youngest son 12).  They live in a small Kansas town that's very conservative.  They know that I'm not engaged anymore though still living in the same apartment and have seen some of the superficial changes (blonde hair, earrings) but I was not that far along the last time I saw them.  I plan on flying back in either late March or April to tell them I'm TG.  It's not going to be a fun trip.  Their mom who makes President Bush look like a flaming liberal, well she thought I was the anti-Christ before.   

So other then just coming out and saying their dad is now a TG female living in northern California, are there any words of wisdom, advice, dire warnings, etc that the charming ladies of the board can offer.  I pretty much am expecting to not get to see them till they turn 18 or later.  But I might get lucky.  I've been amazed at how much support I have gotten so far.

I have been blessed with the support of most of my friends, the few close ones anyway, my partner, who's just the best, despite me killer her prince and all the folks here who know and support me.

Thank you for just being here

Bye for now

Beni

PS,  How does one post a photo as an avaitar



Anyway,  I'm discussing telling me kids with my therapist

Quote from: Beni on February 21, 2007, 10:53:20 PM

Anyway,  I'm discussing telling me kids with my therapist

Talk to your therapist first.  That's my best advice.

Best,

Bev

Well welcome Beni. I personally didn't have any children to tell when I transitioned so I will leave that to the people who know that issue better.

I just wanted to welcome you here and hope everything works out ok.

Sincerely,
Kristina

Thank you Kristina for the  lovely welcome.  I've been very lucky to have some really good people on my side and hum..assisting me in my learning experence. I had a great therapist in florida and lucky to find a supportive therapist here on the left coast.

I think my kids will be the major hurdle to overcome.  I have talked to my therapist about my children,  and the short answer was wait as long as posible and don't beat around the bush.  I know I really need to be out with them soon, IE before the summer visit with 'Dad'.  That really would not work.  My kids are pretty cool and fairly open minded, but well it's not going to be fun for them to learn their dad is a girl.  My ex is also just a bit high strung, so I was just going to send her a letter,LOL.  I know how she's going to react already.

Oh well, I think I just need to be brave and do it. 

Beni

Since your ex is the likely the legal custodian, you should come out to her first and then ask her how she would like you to approach your children. She may not let you.  It sucks, but she is the one in charge until they are legally adults.

Sorry if I burst any bubbles.  But that's the way it is doll.

Cindi

Beni,

You need to ask yourself who are your kids going to turn to for support

You fly in, tell them what's happening, fly out. Then what ?

It's not just what about here and now, it's much more about what happens in the future. What do they tell their friends, future partners etc. What do they say to their mum ? Will their mum reject them ?

They will need help, where will they get it from ?

They will need to know if they are going to be seeing you on a regular basis, or are you going to drop your bombshell and then never see them again ? In which case there is an argument that it would be a whole lot easier for them if you just drop out of sight.

Ruth

Hi Cindi and Ruth

You both bring up very good points.  In theory the ex and I had joint custody, in reality the ex pretty much does as she pleases.  I had thought of writing the ex first, but felt the Kids needed to know face to face.  But then maybe it's just me that wants to see them again, before the ex slams the door. 

I was going to tell the ex at the same time anyway, but perhaps it would be best if I talked to the ex first.  I would love to see my children more often, but with the monthly child support and maintenance, well, there is not much left of my paycheck for flights, etc. I would also like to remain a part of their life after coming out, but know it will hard for them to handle.  Plus my wonderful ex will deny me access after I come out.  I know her far too well.  She's not a nice person

Think I'll talk to the therapist a bit more next week about this.  At least it's about the last major hurdle I've to face this year.  Yuck

Thank you again

Beni 

While your transition seems to be going very well, and I truly hope it continues that way, it would seem that you are fast approaching an issue that could well be devastating to both you and your children.  While children are more often than not more accepting of these things we are afflicted with there are several occurrences where this is not the case.  One only has to scan these boards to see the results of the well intentioned efforts we embark on.

Firstly go into this with your eyes wide open and throw away the rose coloured glasses, and be prepared to loose your children.  There is a real possibility of this happening.  Your ex will probably be a major influence on how they deal with this situation as she is the one who has custody and therefore the legal right to raise them as she sees fit.  I'm not sure what your relationship is like with your ex, but if it's not good then that will further complicate your coming out.

While there is no denying that you will always be their dad, and that is one thing that can never be changed, you must ask yourself is there a need for you to come at this point in time.  What do you hope to gain.  Then you need to decide how you are going to come out to them.  By mail, by phone, in person, etc.  In your situation I would come out in person, that way you can stay some what in control of the situation and be there to respond to the inevitable questions.  I would also plan to be there for a few days to allow the revelation to sink in and that way you will be available to personally deal with the fall out should there be any.  I firmly believe that coming out to our children and our SO's must be done in person, other methods can be used when dealing with others, but our children must be dealt with face to face.

Just my thoughts, and what ever you decide to do I wish you all the luck in the world.

Steph

Thanks Steph, I agree whole heartenly that I need to tell my children in person.  Yes I've taken off the rose colored glasses, for I know their mom too well, and that door will be slamed hard in my face when I come out.  I think I need to tell them sooner before I develope to far, plus for the moment they are planing on being here in june for the summer with dad.

I'd rather give them and their mom time to adjust, if at all posible, prior to them finding out their dad has breasts.  I'm pretty much figured that I'll not see them very much untill they turn 18, and then it's just iffy.

I'm really expecting the worst to happen, which is why I'm seeking help, thought and prayers from whom ever I can. My ex, well she's a bit high strung, and I was just a paycheck to her, Still am.  LOL, I was a better mom then she was for the last four years of the marrage, but in kansas that means nothing.  She got everything, and I mean everything, and all because she was tired of living with me.  Oh well, I really need to let that one go.

I came out to Heidi, my SO last November.  It was not a good month for either of us, but we are still very good frends, and we still support each other.   Not always easy, last night was another rough evening.  She has her own issues she's dealing with and it's just hard for her to still live with me when I killed her prince.  She and I over the last week found that there isn't much of the old me around anymore.  Oh well,  good days and bad day and average days.

Thank you again for your thoughts

Beni