I find I am scared that my father will find out about me. Plus I am breaking down about hideing from him. I have depressed myself so bad I just want to die but every morning I wake up why can't I just fade.

Many of us have been in a similar position. It can be so tiring, it can wear you down.

Do you have access to a doctor or counsellor or someone like that? I've found, and I'm sure many here would agree, that talking to a professional really helps start uniting the knot we find ourselves in. Not all medical professionals are familiar with gender dysphoria, it's an emerging field, but many are.

If not, depending on what country you are in there are often support groups, etc.

You will see that there are a lot of us that have felt like you do and some still do.  Things will be fine, you need to talk to someone that is trustworthy or in a position like school counselor (they have to keep all you say confidential), you need to talk to some one that can help sort things out, there is a lot of good advise here at Susans.
I hope things go well, aloha from Hawaii.

Jennie

Ty everyone and yes I am finaly seeing a therapist im still scared though i did tell my mom and mother in law thay were both happy that I realized finaly.

I'm sorry to see you are struggling like this. Many of us have been found out by someone else looking at our browsing history list on Internet Explorer. If you haven't yet, think about using Google 'InPrivate' for browsing things you do not want to be found in history lists.

Randi

ty for the advice. Right now I only have my phone and I clear it everynight before I wright in my diary.