This is long, I'm sorry. Just me and my issues again.

I just broke up with my girlfriend about a week or so ago. I tried to do it gently. I told her for the first couple of weeks we should avoid communicating, such as calling each other.

Apparently yesterday at 2:30am was the end of two weeks. She called constantly last night too, while my roommate and I were both asleep. He finally had to wake me up to tell me she'd been calling. So I called her back and it was conversation as normal. She just said hi, asked about my day, nothing major or earth-shatteringly important. I told her I was sleeping, have been working a lot and am very tired, and she got upset and asked me to call tonight. I told her no and was about to go into how we need space and shouldn't talk for a while since she's still hung up over me and I'm still at the point where I might get back with her out of pity. But she was too upset so I figured I'd call her tonight and tell her.

Anyway, I'm new to the whole break-up scene. I've always waited until they did it if I wanted out, or it was mutual. I've never initiated a breakup until now. I'm feeling both really irritated and really guilty at the same time. I know this relationship needed to end. I have my reasons for it. But I am her first partner and she's stuck on me. I mean, I could be anyone and she'd be madly in love. It has little to do with me, I'm not some crazy heart-throb who women fall head over heels for.

I just don't really know what to do other than completely shatter her heart. I'm worried about how it will affect her. She's quiet, she doesn't hang out with a lot of people, I don't even know if she has anyone she's really close to for support. But I know damn well I cannot be her support through this. I've been in that situation with a girl myself, the slow, "Let's-Be-Friends" break up where you still sleep in the same bed, see each other every day, and yet she's with someone else. t sucks balls and I refuse to do it to her.

So... quick like a band-Aid?

Yeah, don't answer her calls or return them.

If you are sure but she's hanging on, then stringing her along in any way is a bad deal for both of you. Calling her to explain might seem like a good idea, but it sounds like she will just misread it or get upset or use the call to persuade you to call again. And again. And again.

I'm with Tekla. Stay out of contact with her. As long as you have made it quite clear that the relationship is over, there isn't much you can do for her--and YOUR being her support system through YOUR breakup is, in my opinion, a terrible idea.

Yeah, I know. Like I said, I've been in that situation myself, where my ex was my support system and eventually, after I came back from a two-week vacation iin Ireland, she cut me off completely. It was probably the best thing she did for me and for herself.

Okay. So. Tonight. I won't call, or pick up. :/ I still feel like I should explain it to her, but I guess I need her to come to the decision on her own that I'm not worth sticking with. I need to be a dick...

Honestly you are being more kind to go ahead and "shatter her heart" so she can move on. If you have to be rude or whatever for her to get it, that just is how it is as there is no letting them down easy. Who knows years from now you could possibly be friends, but for now STOP all contact is the best thing. Something along the lines of "Look, I am NOT interested in you so do NOT call me again" and hang up. Then just ignore any attempts she makes to contact you afterwards.

Stephe, everyone, that's all fine and good advice, but ... but what if I owe her money? Like, a lot of money?

I was in a financial bind and she insisted on bailing me out... having no other alternative I accepted only on the condition that I pay her back with the job I thought I'd be getting... which never happened.

So, whether I like it or not, I'm going to have a long-term financial relationship with her. I ave no intention of forgetting my debt to her. But I guess I can send her checks in the mail, printed address and nothing personal. Just money...

Quote from: Ryan J on August 09, 2011, 10:09:18 PM
Stephe, everyone, that's all fine and good advice, but ... but what if I owe her money? Like, a lot of money?

Well make it clear you will be paying her back and do it but that still isn't a good reason to drag things out. It will just hurt her more if she thinks there is a chance and there isn't..

but what if I owe her money? Like, a lot of money?

You need to borrow it from someone else and pay her off in full ASAP.

Thanks everyone. Truly. Eeeh I've been talking to my roomie about it and he's been saying the same thing as you all, but I needed to hear it from others I guess. Thank you.

Totally with Tekla.

You are in a bad situation that can only get worse. Can you borrow from a bank? Sorry I don't know your circumstances.

Cindy

I'm going to offer slightly different advice to everyone else.

I agree with Cindy, Tekla et al that stringing her along would be a bad thing and by cutting off all contact you are allowing her to move on. I would say that before you do that you should at least offer her closure.

I believe you should be upfront and honest about exactly how you feel, why you're leaving and why you're cutting off contact. Too often one cuts off contact because it's easier for them and justifies it by saying it's for the good of the other partner.

Make a clean break and do it quickly and pay her back in full but at least give her the courtesy of a full and frank discussion and allow her some closure before you do. That way she'll be able to move on a lot quicker rather than spending additional sleepless nights wondering what just happened or why you wouldn't be frank with her.

You may have already done that, in which case disregard above.

If she is having trouble getting the message, maybe writing a letter would help.
  If she re-reads it she will eventually come to the conclusion you mean it, unlike a phone call which is gone the moment you hang up.
  It would also give you a chance to let her know that you intend to pay her back in full, without any ambiguity.

Karen.

I really think the financial side has to be cleared. Without that there is only going to be sadness for everone.

Cindy

I totally forgot about you owing her money.

Now I can see why this is a lot harder. But I think she feels that she can guilt or blackmail you back into the relationship with that. If anything just start sending small amounts of cheques in the mail to show that you are going to pay her off and try not to contact her any other way.

At least she didn't call last night. She literally calls every 10 minutes.