I hate having a sex drive and there are a few reasons. Number one: I've never had a girlfriend or done anything, I haven't even had my first kiss and I'm 18, and I started 'liking' girls when I was freakin 8. So that would be frustrating in itself.

Number two: even whilst growing up with a completely open and sexually liberal mother and surroundings I find it very difficult to talk about anything to do with sex if it's about me. For example, I hadn't admitted to anyone that I masturbate until I was 17 even though I started young. And I would not want to talk about how I do it to anyone. I would never want to talk to ANYONE about any kind of fantasies, even though they are pretty tame. I can't discuss what I like or what turns me on. If I try I get extremely embarrassed like a child or something. I can talk to others about theirs, accept it, it sex talk in itself doesn't bother me but my own does completely.

Number three: Sometimes I can get over the whole masturbation thing and do it and not feel bad BUT that's only been in the past year, before that I always hated doing it and tried to avoid it, and felt bad afterwards! I don't even touch anything! I acted like I had been brought up as a devout Christian or something and taught that it is a SIN to do it.
Obviously that was trans related.
But for flip sake sometimes I just can't deal with it, and I might be pretty horny but I just don't want to have to go through the ''ordeal''... Which is why I don't watch porn and haven't yet, even, because why would I WANT to induce the hornyness when I hate having to deal with it?

Number four: I sometimes get really horny at a particular time every month, not when I am on or near to being on but I don't know. I know it's part of the ''cycle''. How does THAT make me feel? IT MAKES ME FEELA ASHDAHSDJ AKSDK ALS JS JSHAHS H. Seriously. ARghqdhqjdsjsjdfk. That THESE kind of feelings I am having are because of that stupid disgusting useless function my stupid redundant fracked up body has because of the stupid waste of hormones it produces. aDFKASDJFAJ. I am hoping these equally redundant waste of time hormone blockers will quell that for now, ceasing the cycle and hormone fluctuations. So they are kind of helpful, I am hoping, I've only been 4 days since injection so I hope I won't feel this next month.

Number five: I will never, foresee-ably, have a great working dick. There are options. But nothing that make you think YEAH GREAT JUST LIKE NORMAL >.>....
So on top of all the reasons, I do not see a time in the future when I will be able to do it in a way where I would be completely happy and satisfied by the whole thing. Like, I would be happy to have a dick and wank all the time la la la la like a normal dude. But no. And when I am on T I can predict some wild horny times full of frustration and ASDFGH. This particular area of my transition seems pretty bleak to me.

I'm looking forward to T clit growth, I think that might make me feel a bit better. And I will get a packer soon. And I guess a pack and play or something stupid like that if I ever have a girlfriend.

Finally: Number six: I'm basically room mates with someone I find completely and utterly attractive, we're very physically close and at one point I did want to go out with her but, it's complicated, but I know she wouldn't be right for me in that kind of relationship. It's great how it is, apart from these stupid horny times. We have a lot of affection, but we don't do anything sexual so we're not freinds with benefits or anything like that. From the outside it looks like we are a couple basically. But at times like these - less regular but maybe more intense than in the past - I seriously feel like I'm going to go crazy. And I can't talk frankly or openly to anyone about this. I feel like I want to just shout at someone about how much I want to bone her or kiss her all over or whatever but I even feel awkward and bad typing it down! What is going on! Why can't I talk! Why can't I used normal words?!

MORE RANTING ARGHHHHHHHHHH
I want to get the whole first kiss thing out of the way right, and the thing is when I was younger I was a bit of a romantic and I promised myself I would only ever kiss someone I love. I guess I trimmed that into my first kiss should be with someone I love, and this girl is a great candidate: I'll never end up hating her or having to break up with her, it'd not going to be a big deal afterwards and I'll feel safe with her and whatever. Right. But this one time recently we were in a position where that was going to happen and every single atom in my body both wanted to extremely but also wanted to run away, resulting in nothing happening (and I'm not talking about a split moment she was being pretty patient about the whole thing). So nothing happened. I became extremely nervous, I wanted to explode and argh. And then it was over, and I felt so bad, embarrassed, the worst I had felt in ages. Like it seemed like the worst thing I had ever not done. I can't explain why it was such a big deal, but it was more the experience of turmoil I was having of 'JUST GO FOR IT' and 'NO ARGH RUN AWAY' screaming through my head at the time. And then not doing anything at all. And then I tried all sorts of ways to hurt myself to make me feel better-worse for being so stupid and stupid and arghasdsk. She made me feel better after but I think it was difficult for her to know how to, because I really had a major f*** up in my head after that.

I feel like a caged animal. Someone bound in a straight jacket made of flesh and skin. Wound up in barbs and chains covered in stinging nettles. I want to explode. This feeling isn't new, I've been feeling the same way about sex and my own sex drive since it started up.

In conclusion I think the best way for me to deal with this right now would be to make some intense painting about it, something really portraying how I feel. And no obviously not a lewd pornographic painting. Just in case you didn't get the picture. Or write a song. But I am really tired and there is no coffee :/ which is difficult because as soon as I turn off the light I'm going to have to meditate or something to try and keep my mind off of sex. This is maybe the most horny I have ever felt and it sucks utter balls.

Thanks for listening and stuff, goodnight.

Unfortunately I've got no advice for you, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. You sound so much like me it's ridiculous. Especially about that almost-first kiss story, happened to me with my best friend. But yeah, I feel you.

Thanks. It's just good to know I'm not the only once since the situation just feels like a big mess of frustration and turds

ha, you sound a lot like me too. I have had so much trouble with maintaining relationships and being open about sexuality. After being on T for 9 months it's only gotten easier. Still haven't had a relationship in 2 years, but whatever man. Time (with work and self-discovery) and testosterone will help you get more open hopefully, relating from my experience. For now I'd just suggest attempting to accept yourself, that's the biggest part of it I think.

Gha!  Me too! Fortunately, for me, once the plumbing was pulled, all that pretty much went away. I still get some "feelings" once in a while. But they feel good just as they are and don't demand additional attention, if you know what I mean.

ah i kinda feel the same but not at all like i get hung up about sex and masturbation and relationships but in different ways. i think everyone does cis and trans its just a bigger deal with trans people as we have internalized loathing for our own bodies.

i know how you feel. remember that stage of my life and totally agree with the cycle thing its a pain in the ass indeed.

Just posting to let you know that you're not alone.

See, I'm asexual, but of course I still have a very small amount of sex drive. I cannot stand to talk about it though. (I'm surprised I can even say it now. O.o) This is part of the reason I have such a problem talking about trans problems because I can't even talk about sexual body parts or anything alluding to them. It makes me feel like a child, too, even though it's just plain discomfort, not immaturity, that makes it hard for me to talk about.

It sucks. A lot. So yeah, I know how you feel about some of it at least. 

I already posted this song in the music section, but I thought I'd post it here because I thought you could relate to it like I do.
I don't know if it we'll make you feel better, but it might help you express yourself.
I know a good song can help me draw and stuff.
Hope you start feeling better.

"Frustration" is such a b****.
hahah buuuuut, there are more important things (:
and a lot of ways you can do to distract yourself until it happens.

While I have no advice for you,
I will say that I definitely know how you feel,
And if I find a way to get over the mutual frustrations that we share,
You'll be the first to know.