This is a long post, so I apologize for that, but I'm going to let myself ramble and that's that.

Cause
Early this weekend, I had somebody from my past fill my emotional bucket to the brim with some pointed little comments they felt they had to make, I guess.  The way I normally deal with having people say hurtful things to me is I listen, don't say anything, and then first chance I have I get the hell away from them, hopefully before I lose control of my emotions.  I don't want them to see they got to me.  Falling into tears is the absolute worst thing I feel I could do in those situations.

So I got away before I started crying or anything, but my bucket had been filled.  All it took was hearing a certain song (True Colors by Cyndi Lauper) and the surface tension broke, unleashing an ocean of tears.  The whole drive home, 45 minutes long, I sat there, one hand on the wheel, the other covering my face so nobody in the nearby cars would see the streams of tears spilling down my cheeks.  I haven't had an emotional breakdown like that in years.

Effect
So, I was a total wreck all weekend which left me in a bad mood.  When I'm in a bad mood, it doesn't matter who, how much I love them or what the consequences might be, if somebody says or does something I don't agree with, I will bite their head off without thinking.  The anger just bursts forth.  Sometimes, well usually, before the bright flare of ferocity I have this "rattlesnake" phase where I let people know not to mess(ssssss,) which honestly can be worse than anything.  Believe me, by the way, you really do NOT want to mess(sssssssss.)

So if I come to Susan's when I'm in such a mood it's a train wreck waiting to happen.  Especially since it's only when I'm upset that I will actually read posts that aren't fun or lighthearted in nature which is my normal thing here.  I think it's because I'm looking for somebody I can commiserate with who's also upset.  But in the dark recesses, there is so much material waiting to set me off on these forums.  One feature of Susan's is that we have these two factions that are ALWAYS going at each other.  Which, whatever, it's mostly people trying to figure out where they themselves actually stand.  Normally I avoid getting involved.  One of the reasons I stay out of it is I happen to agree with elements of both viewpoints, which means their arguments always have something for me to disagree with.  So essentially, if I come here when I'm upset, I will be snapping at somebody, or at least seething crackles of negative energy at them.  It's just the nature of things.

Reflection
I would say maybe I should just have a personal policy of not posting when I'm feeling unhappy, especially angry, but I dunno, in a weird way I feel like I actually get therapeutic value from lashing out or even just letting the anger seethe off.  Like it's the last thing I must do in my recovery from an emotional breakdown- let out that anger.  Hissss, or WHOOSH!!  The process goes kind of like this, sadness, cleansed by tears; leading to feeling lost and listless, cleansed by talking ->-bleeped-<- to somebody about the person that made me upset; leading to feeling angry, cleansed by lashing out at somebody.  Once I go through that process I will have purged all those bad feelings.  So I honestly think I HAD to find an outlet for that anger before I could feel happy again, and btw I do feel totally happy now.

But then I look back at my behavior and I think, wow that isn't like me.  OMG these forums make me act like somebody I'm not!  OMG it's all the disagreement and negative energy that goes on here!  OMG it's corrupting me!  OMG /quit forums /delete account!  But no, that isn't fair.  It isn't the forums fault.  The forums helped me get through the important bite-somebody's-head-off-and-get-that-anger-out-of-my-system phase of recovery, sorry for the technical terminology there.  If it wasn't a post on these forums setting me off, it would have been my boss, or my mom, or sister or a friend or anybody else in my life that made the mistake of being the slightest bit disagreeable to me.  Unfortunately I do have real friends here on Susan's and they, just like all my other friends, can get in the path of my stupid hissy fits.  Still anything is better than when it ends up being my boss.  When that has happened, and it has, it's caused me some serious problems lol.

The Point(?)
So anyway, one point I'm making, in this very self-indulgent way, is I'm really sorry for being a negative snappy bitch the last couple days.  I know I didn't like unleash fury on anybody or anything, but my rattlesnake phase is still not very nice.  My negativity honestly had absolutely nothing to do with anybody on Susan's or their thoughts or opinions, for reallys.

The other thing I want to say is when you run into somebody being mean to you just remember that there's a really good chance it has absolutely nothing to do with you.  I'm not the only one to ever have a bad day you know.  Regardless, I promise not to make a habit of being like that.

Questions for Discussion
So here's a few questions I have relating to the above.  Be free-form, ramble, get off topic, diverge, derail.  I really don't care.  Just have a conversation.  The one rule is be interesting.  If you can't be interesting, I swear to god I will lock the thread!

First, I've shown that the person that bears the brunt of an emotional outburst is not necessarily going to always be the one that caused it.  Have you noticed yourself victimizing poor unassuming people like this before?  Have you ever been the victim? (the answer to both of those questions is 'yes' btw, just tell your stories so I can feel better about being a bitch)

Second, I've also illustrated that when somebody is acting mean, it can be because they've been hurt and/or gone through something really unfair themselves.  Obviously, if they are good at being mean they could really hurt your feelings and next thing you know the cycle continues.  Erm, I think I forgot the question I was going to ask...

Third, initially I wanted to blame the forums for making me be a bitch, when really all the forums were actually doing was helping me work through the very cause of my bitchiness (at the expense of others.)  I love it when people blame the very thing that's helping them with their problems.  Also I love other ironic things.  My fave is when somebody is condescendingly idiotic.  I'm sure there's a question in there somewhere.

Fourth, what do you think about the ethics of having to purge your anger by being mean to somebody else, possibly transferring the emotion to them like it's some kind of hot potato or disease?  I've said before that I won't let anybody stand between me and happiness, but if it means crushing their soul?  I don't know about that.  In retrospect, I probably should have just unloaded my anger on the person that crushed mine.  OMG, I just realized why I am so passive aggressive.  By the time I'm in the anger purging phase, days have passed and it would be really awkward to call the jerk out of the blue and yell at them.  So I have to secretely make plans to make them pay later.  But since that is revenge not anger, that's why the anger has to go to somebody else.  But seriously, how about the ethics or whatever?

Last, the main thing I wanted to show is that the way emotions propagate though social circles is a chaotic system, like the Butterfly Effect.  Ordered disorder, simply complex.  There is a reason behind unreasonable behavior, even if the reason is unreasonable.  I feel like I'm writing U2 lyrics...

You don't have to answer all of the questions.  Or any of them for that matter.

First I'm sorry you had such a bad time this weekend.  I really miss talking to you like we used to, but you know if you feel bad please call me, you have my number.

I only noticed one post/reply by you that I thought was pretty far out of character for you.  I thought about why, and then just did what I usually do in such cases and ignored it.  We all have our bad days.

*hugs for Jen*

Chloe

Too much sun for me today, I'll have to answer this tomorrow, but it's going to require more thought than I have right now.

Hi Jen,

I think your reaction is pretty normal to be honest. I've often though we should have a 'I'm so pd off that I want to swear and argue about nothing in particular' thread. Yes and it is never a good idea to get so wound up that you go after your boss.

I have to admit that I can get angry very quickly, if someone was winding me up as had happened to you I would have gone ballistic at them. My self control in those situations is not good.

I think one of many thing I have seen at Susan's is people exploding for no apparent reason. I put it down to the sort of overload you have had. I think the truly marvellous thing is when people explain, as you have. Because that helps us all grow.

Hugs Jen

If you do need a rant feel free to pm me.

Love
Cindy

I was sharper than usual a few days ago...the comment is long deleted...much of what you said applied in that situation.

Thanks Chloe ))))).  Don't forget you have my number too <3.  *BIG hugs back!*

Cindy, lol.  That thread is kind of a great idea.  Or even just one where where we're allowed to say whatever words we like.  I feel sometimes that taking the colorful language out of my posts waters them down and changes their meaning in some ways.  As far as anger goes, I wish I was the go ballistic type.  I think it's usually better to let somebody know they were out of line right when it happens, and most people are too oblivious to learn lessons from the sort of passive aggressive retribution I usually get them with.  Also, your anger can seep out at the wrong people later if you hold it in.  When somebody hurts my feelings though, my first and only order of business is to not let myself burst in to tears.

Helena, we are not alone I guess lol.

Tekla, I'm solar powered.  I don't understand this business about not having energy because of being in the sun??

Riding my bike and hanging by the pool in 90 degree weather in that warm California sun makes me sleepy.

Mmm that sounds lovely!

Brutal I tell ya, brutal.

Before HRT I used to bottle things up and stew on them for days before reacting.  Now I tend to explode immediately, but the anger all dissipated in a very short time, and I am back to my new happy self.  I like that much better.

Feel free to rant at me any time.


Karen.

I know what you mean about those who receive your rage are not always the ones who pissed you off in the first place, but for me at least these other people have always still done something to deserve it. I have no ethical problem with returning fire on someone who starts something with you. In fact my beliefs say that one ought to give gift for gift, regardless of whether it's positive or negative. I think that it would be wrong to go off on someone who didn't do anything to you, but I have not had that problem. Unfortunately it is all too easy to find a jerk who deserves some rage, but I am a pretty forgiving person so most of the time I don't do anything at all. I often feel like I let people get away with too much, but then sometimes there just is nothing that you can do, and it certainly would not do to do something that would get yourself in trouble while the aggressor gets away with what they started with you. How can you pay back those who are trying to starve you out, the haters, discriminators, and the rest from many miles away and behind their walls of money and privilege? You can't really, and they know that, which just pisses you off more at their smugness.

So yeah, sometimes your only option is to be a bitch online. Have at it my friend =) I have pretty much made an art out of being calm, intelligent, and enraged all at the same time.

I like that, Valerie.