So I have been struggling a lot lately with finding any guy interested in me who doesn't treat me like some fetish.
I've come to realize that 90% of gay guys just want cock so that's out, because they don't view me as a man- as I've been informed many, many times.

Yet I've never really found an available bi/pan guy.

My own personal struggle as of late is highly frustrating.
I have just gained new room mates and while they've only been here about a week, one in particular- named Jesse- I have found myself developing a crush on, so to speak.

He spoke to me first when he wouldn't talk to anyone else outside of his best friend.
He also confessed that he doesn't tell his best friend everything.

So here's where things have gotten confusing for me.
He started opening up after a talk about relationships had me stating I have dated guys in the past. He proceeded to spill lots of personal info (having add and dyslexia) along with stating he was 'getting fed up with girls'.

The next day he invited me in his room to hang out and we ended up laying down on his bed talking.
After some casual chit chat, things took a turn for the serious when relationships were brought up again. He confessed he didn't want a relationship that was 'hit it and quit it' despite knowing that's what lots of girls wanted from him. I told him I hated those kind of relationships and refused to give myself up easily. He proceeded to tell me he hadn't dated in a year and how frustrating it was. I laughed and told him I had him beat. He didn't believe me but pressed on.
Out of the blue he asked about my best friends sexuality, wondering if he was gay. I explained he was bi, not gay. Jesse then looked at me and said "So what about you? Are you gay?"
I told him yes, I was, and I enjoyed being with men despite having been abused by nearly every boy I've been with in some way or another.
He got real quiet, looking at me serious like then confessed:
"I'd get with a guy if I could, you know? I think it'd be easier and I'd be happier."
I couldn't help gawking a bit because I swore he was macho straight. This must of made him nervous because he proceeded to become flushed and said-
"Yeah but, I'm suppose to like girls. I guess I'd like them too much or something. I don't know, whatever. It is what it is."

I told him that was really cool and I gave him props for saying it. He bit his lip and rolled his shoulders saying "Hey, no judgements. I don't do the judging thing. I think everyone has a right to be with whoever they want to be with, gay, lesbian, bi, or whatever they choose to call themselves."

Our conversation continued on and by the end of it, he was letting me wear/play with his championship ring which he never takes off except for work. He let me wear it for two hours before even remembering he wasn't wearing it anymore then seemed disappointed when I quickly gave it back.

Over the following days, we've been flirting off and on with each other but I try to not be too forwards because I don't want to scare him.

Last night he was being anti-social so I texted him asking why. He instantly messaged me back saying 'chattin with someone'. I sent him a 'Oh. Cool. Whatever. Have fun. Later.' and was logged into FB at the time, so I knew he was chatting on there. A few minutes after my text was sent, he logged off and my friends dragged me back out into the living room. He must of heard us laughing because he came out and I looked at him, he smiled all sheepishly then I looked away quickly so he moved into the kitchen and started playing with things noisily enough that he interrupted our conversation a bit. I looked at him and said 'What are you doing? Going to be anti-social again?' and he frowned and said 'No! I'm trying to decide if I want to go to bed or not.' and I rolled my eyes and called him a dork so we had out usual back and forth of 'no way' and 'yes!' before he started to head to his room then he partly shut the door and just stood there for a minute. I looked back at him and said 'You're so anti-social!'. He started doing that cute sheepish grin he does and popped back out, and again we started with the yes and no's until I got up and was right in front of him during this game we play. He started getting flushed and stepped back into his room and I turned to head back to the kitchen.
He stopped me by trying to get me to look at things he'd tossed at the door last night when I was chucking pens at his door and we were tossing things back and forth, playfully shouting. When I didn't step all the way inside his room, he motioned me to come fully in and look, asking me to come in. So I did and he started cleaning up everything. I playfully pointed out he has a lot of air fresheners and I like the scent, so I thought he should 'share'. Of course I was just teasing but next thing I know, he'd handing me one and we sorta held hands for a good five seconds before he pulled away and got flushed again.
Then my other roomies need my attention so he got really flustered and said "Uh, I'm just gonna go to bed anyway, so it's cool if you go. Good night."
I can't be for certain but I swear I saw a bit of a boner when I turned to leave then glanced back over my shoulder and he was still watching me walk away then closed his door.

Now then, tonight I made burgers and I thought he'd like them. XD Apparently, he hates burgers but said he'd try one because I made it.
The downside? There's this blonde bimbo who came over that his best friend told me just wants to '->-bleeped-<- Jesse and leave him. She's a total slut'. The whole night when we were playfully teasing each other, she was glaring at me and I wanted to snap at her and say 'You got a staring problem, hun? Cause you ain't much to look at- that's why I'm not staring.' She was super rude to me as well and when Jesse was starting to playfully splash water on me at the sink, she ran over and shoved herself between us, practically whining like a neglected dog. @_@

Soooo....am I jealous she's in his room now and the door is closed? Yes. It frustrates me. I know he has a reputation since he hasn't been out of high school long but I swear to god he's in the closet. And I know he knows I'm trans because he confessed to knowing I was gay (and just wanting to hear me say it), because he creeped on my FB page.

Here's what I'm looking for fellow guys,
What kind of advice do you have on taking this thing slow and seeing if I can bring him out without me getting too jealous? It's hard because I know I'm crushing on him and I am trying so hard to not do so but this kid is making me swoon like no ones business and the fact that we have similar pasts just adds to it. D:

I'm also struggling with my self confidence. He's a runner, in the best shape of his life and hot as hell. I'm a little pudgy and can't run to save my life. @_@ I'm working on changing it but damn man, when I see these skinny ass broads who are trying to 'get with him', I can't help feeling down. I won't be like that because I am a man, but how could he find someone like me that attractive? Or does he even?

Also, am I taking this all wrong? Is he just being friendly? It seems like he is really flirting but I don't want to jump the gun.

Thanks!

I can't speak to whether this guy likes you or not, or wants a relationship or not, but I will say that while being single sucks, it sure beats the drama of being with the wrong person.  I have been single for 6 years, and celibate, and just met the greatest gay guy who accepts me as just another gay guy, and it is awesome.  Worth the wait.

I know lots of people get into relationships before and during transition; for me I had a lot of crap to deal with during that time, that I waited until the process was over and I am perceived as male, period.  What's in my pants was less important (understanding that to a lot of gay  men, it is very important).

Breathe.  If it's meant to be, it will be.  Good luck!


Jay

Yeah it's tough because I am going through transition. I have yet to get my legal name changed or afford top surgery because I am completely on my own financially. I honestly don't see myself getting my name changed or top surgery anywhere in the near future because I just can't make enough money for it, since it's like 300+ for the name change alone here and that's over half a months rent for me.

So just a minor update. The last couple of days, Jesse has been majorly anti-social. He's been very moody though he spoke to me a bit before he locked himself in his room.

When we (other roomie, his friend, and myself), tried to get him out of his room he tried to joke around with us at first but the more we tried, the worse his emotions got until eventually he was just pissed and refused to leave.
Well, lucky for us the other roomie, Ryan, was able to get him to talk through text and admit what's really bugging him. Apparently he was super depressed because he hadn't gotten into college, didn't want to work construction the rest of his life, but mostly? He was tired of waking up and being alone.

After a little while, I got a text apologizing from him. When I went out into the main kitchen, he'd come out of his room and was still obviously not himself, but was trying to feel better.
We all joked around a bit and I spoke to him while Ryan and his friend talked. Jesse joked with me a bit, we playfully punched at each other and laughed. Eventually the topic of relationships came up and I saw him go rigid. He explained that all the girls now were becoming slutty as hell and he didn't want that. Feeling a bit ballsy, I asked him if he was going to try and date the blonde who had came over.
He stopped glaring into his ice cream for once and actually looked up. I don't know what he was looking for in my face but he stared into my eyes for what felt like forever before he gently shook his head and said "No, I don't want her. I'm not going to date her." so low that no one else could hear.

I knew he was still feeling down because the rest of the night, his answers were just filled with half the effort and enthusiasm as usually. He's always this bright, almost bubbly kind of guy but last night he was just so gloomy it started bringing me down.

Soooo I don't know what caused it and maybe it was the negative air all through the day but I started downing myself. Now I'm even saying to myself that there's no way he'd ever like me because I'm not even an attractive dude to begin with.
I know his best friend and my other roomie, Ryan, realizes I like Jesse and is cool with it- he's even giving me suggestions on how to get closer and telling me that Jesse is going to open up to me more if I give him time.
Yet a part of me wonders if he can ever let go of the reputation he built to really explore his sexuality. And on that note, could he ever accept me as a man when I'm trans?