Quote from: Devyn on August 24, 2011, 07:58:08 PM
I haven't felt like killing myself in a long time, but my dysphoria was so horrible today.
I'm never going to look masculine. I'm never going to not look like a "girl who is pretending to be a boy". I'm never going to have facial hair.
I couldn't even move this afternoon after I got home from school because my dysphoria was so bad. If I moved my legs, I could feel nothing was there between them, but if I opened them, there was still nothing there.
My school wouldn't let me switch out of my unnecessary gym class so I'm going to be stuck in the girls locker room, but my mom is emailing them to get them to change my schedule but she doesn't think it's necessary because she doesn't believe I'm a guy.
I'm sick of people thinking that I'm making a "choice". Like **** is this a choice. I have being trans.
I'd rather be dead than deal with this bull->-bleeped-<- every moment of everyday of my life that other people seem to take for granted.
My mom won't let me start hormones because she refuses to let me be a man in her house because, to quote her, I "came out of her and she saw what I have, and I'm not a boy." I try to tell her what's wrong, but she just laughs it off and tells me I'm wasting my body because I'm a pretty girl with a great body.
I hate my life so much.
All of my friends have been slipping up with pronouns or refuse to call me a guy except for a few. So many of my "friends" walked up to me today and said "she" when referring to me. Some apologized and said "he", but one girl walked up to me and said "What's up, girl?"
I haven't felt this bad in almost a year. Today has been the first time in months that I have even thought of trying to kill myself again. I really try to be positive, but there really is no positive in my mind.
My mom keeps yelling at me that I'm a lesbian (despite the fact that I'm bi but prefer girls and actually have a boyfriend right now - of course, I never tell her when I date someone.) She constantly calls me by my girl name even though she knows I'd rather stab myself in the ears than hear it (because I've actually attempted that before so I wouldn't have to hear other people call me a girl). She saw that I was crying and barely worried if something was wrong. She asked if I was okay and I said I was fine and she walked away.
Ugh. I ****ing hate my life.
"Devyn—Please listen to me...First and foremost [Baby-Boi]<<--Please do NOT be offended by this term--I use it often, as a "term-of-endearment" when counseling young TG's como tu—"
"Secondly, Please—Whatever you do—Don't do anything drastically enough—that will/would cause you bodily harm—or bodily harm to your person!"
"Thirdly, Please listen to me—the time will come to pass—when you will 'morph' from an 'ugly-duckling' if-you-will—and into a handsome 'swan'! We here at Susan's have experienced everything if not more—the same which you are experiencing—trust me—just listen to the discussion board speak—you'll find like-minds—speaking about—like topics--"
"Fourthly, I have read your post for about 20mins—going over and over each topic which distresses you—I am empathetically sadden by your mishaps and the ignorance which is involved in your daily life of acceptance--"
"Devyn, people are purely ignorant because they refuse to listen to that which surrounds them 'openly'—you have said several times-that you have told everyone to please stop referring to you as a girl-because this is not whom or what you are—through ignorance---people tend to see with ''their eyes wide shut—always looking, but never fully comprehending, just what they are looking at—Entiendes? (Understand?)"
"I will address each topic—and let's see if'n we can fix some-of-them Ok?"
1. I haven't felt like killing myself in a long time, but my dysphoria was so horrible today.
("Please—Whatever you do—Don't do anything drastically enough—that would/ will cause you bodily harm—or bodily harm to your person!").
2. I'm never going to look masculine. I'm never going to not look like a "girl who is pretending to be a boy". I'm never going to have facial hair.
("Baby-Boi) <<--again not meant to be offensive here—I am very Metro in appearance—I knew—that I was never going to fully look "Male"—even though I work-out, shave, and have a very masculine body (my genes just won't allow it---so I understand your pain totally). I don't have a full-on beard (actually I really don't want one) but I do have sideburns and a slight mustache—enough so—that shaving is required...you can achieve this little feature—by shaving either every day or every-other-day—perseverance is a must in the TG-world").
3. If I moved my legs, I could feel nothing was there between them, but if I opened them, there was still nothing there.
("Devyn, I can fully empathize with this one, because that was how I felt some many moons ago—I wanted to 'swing-it' like the Big-Boi's only I had nothing to 'swing-it with'—Soo I offer you my solution to this 'every day' problem in the f2M world—this may or may not be for everyone—but again this is what I do—I offer solutions to everyday TG issues—I purchased a soft penis—almost to the exact skin complexion as myself—then I purchased a 'strap-on' holder for the placid penis—and with super glue—I lightly lined the flat part of the penis & the slim leather piece of the strap with the super glue—happily—I can say that I wear my 'make-shift' penis as if it were something 'real' between my legs—I sleep with it--shower with it—and bath my penis as--if it were the 'real' deal—I am not afraid to wear boxer's—because I know—that it is not going anywhere/ falling out—it also fits snuggly in my briefs—no worries—I have been wearing like this for some time now—and it's really comfortable to wear 24/7—sometimes I literally forget that I have it on—and that's really what we strive for—right—a penis that feels 'al-natural' ").
4. My school wouldn't let me switch out of my unnecessary gym class so I'm going to be stuck in the girls locker room, but my mom is emailing them to get them to change my schedule but she doesn't think it's necessary because she doesn't believe I'm a guy.
I'm sick of people thinking that I'm making a "choice". Like **** is this a choice. I have being trans.
("Okay this is a TWO-part-er) First, Devyn—What guy wouldn't want to be in the gurls locker-room?
(I'll get to your Mother in a second). There is really nothing anyone can do here—unless you get a medical order (Counseling Sheet) that says you are a TG individual, and if they (the school you attend)--could respect your Gender Identity. Worst case scenario—you receive an F for failing to pass gym with your 'so-called' correct gender classmates...You could also ask for counseling—with the hopes of the school granting you permission to take solo gym classes, or with a group of other individuals—who feel just as out-of-place—as you do Devyn—and this can be done after school—with any interference of school—or other student harassments").
("Secondly—TransGender is NOT A CHOICE—it is Who/Whom/What WE ARE—just as it is for a Gay/Lesbian-and both Male & Female Heterosexuals—to be Who-Whom-and What THEY ARE—WHICH IS ALL NATUARAL TO ALL). Not to knock the Bi-Sexually incline—but I didn't include this group of individuals—for the simple fact—I do-believe that theirs IS a choice").
5. I'd rather be dead than deal with this bull->-bleeped-<- every moment of everyday of my life that other people seem to take for granted.
My mom won't let me start hormones because she refuses to let me be a man in her house because, to quote her, I "came out of her and she saw what I have, and I'm not a boy." I try to tell her what's wrong, but she just laughs it off and tells me I'm wasting my body because I'm a pretty girl with a great body.
I hate my life so much.
(Okay this is a THREE-part-er) Firstly—see question No.1's answer (Okay I'll say IT AGAIN--) ("Please—Whatever you do—Don't do anything drastically enough—that would/ will cause you bodily harm—or bodily harm to your person!!!!!").("REPEAT THAT LINE AGAIN PLEASE—THANK YOU VERY MUCH").
("Secondly—I told you I would address your Mother—first Devyn—while it may seem as though your Mother is against you-it does—however--seem that she is also in acceptance of your gender—somewhat—while she says things like 'I knew what you were at birth—because I was there—she is also recognizing your 'so-called' Lesbian' tendencies—which you stated later—how many individuals--wish that their parents--were 'just' in acceptance of whatever they choose is NOT high in numbers—especially when it comes to the LGBT status of parents—they are both—few-and-a far! "). (Stay awhile and read some postings—you are somewhat at an advantage—this section—also lets me know Devyn—that you are at home—and depend on your Mother for both Moral/Ethical & monetary support—wait it out—concentrate on doing well in school—to include—the-Gym class –as well—and then once you have graduated—and are about to leave the nest—prepare yourself for transitioning—the old proverbial rule stands in most house-holds—My Home-My Rules—you don't like it—you can leave—soo-soo-many—Devyn—leave home—with nowhere to go—eat—or—sleep—find something to do—to release yourself—NOT HURT YOURSELF—BUT RELEASE YOURSELF—there IS a lot of programs out there for you—you WILL find—Devyn—that YOU are NOT alone").
("Thirdly—and I quote 'I hate my life so much.' NO—YOU DON"T—you just may think you DO—you are probably by now—thinking—who-tha-hell-is-he-to-tell-me-how-i-feel-you-don't-know-me!). ("Yes I do—we have ALL been there at some point in time—in our life—and I have seen sooo many young adult's—too-many—who feel the same way as you do—they all feel—that there is no way out for them—but harming themselves—justifies whatever it is they are feeling—THIS IS NOT THE WAY!!!"). ("REPITEN") ("THIS IS NOT THE WAY!!!") ("I took the chicken way out—I joined the Marines--to be—ALL that I could BE")! ("—and you know what—it literally made a –man—out-of--me"). ("Find that which takes your mind off of harming yourself Devyn—it's out there—trust me—because I know IT is").
6. All of my friends have been slipping up with pronouns or refuse to call me a guy except for a few. So many of my "friends" walked up to me today and said "she" when referring to me. Some apologized and said "he", but one girl walked up to me and said "What's up, girl?"
I haven't felt this bad in almost a year. Today has been the first time in months that I have even thought of trying to kill myself again. I really try to be positive, but there really is no positive in my mind.
("Okay here's tha thing—regardless of what you have been told: 'Ignorance--IS NOT A BLISS'—again REPITEN: IGNORANCE—is NOT blissfulness!") ("IT'S just what IT is--IGNORANT" plain-and-simple). ("Let me be clear on something—I am NOT calling your friends ignorant—that's just rude—however—what I am saying to you—is that their actions toward your being accepted—as a guy—is ignorant—on their behalf"). ("but this can be easily fixed—quite simply-as-a-matter-of-fact"). ("Another one of my tricks-of-acceptance—I might add"). ("I have a lot of Gay/Lesbian friends—and when I first told them—that I wasn't a Lesbian—they were like-yeah right—if it walks & talks like a duck—then it must be a duck—well-"Honk-Honk" –cause I am NOT a duck—Ah'ma a Handsome-Metro Male-Swan—it took some late night—Martini's—and a couple of explanations about the whole TG-thang—but now I 'swing-it' like tha 'Big-Boi's'—and they respect my Gender as a Metro-male—than as-a 'butchy-Lesbian'—I am known to my Gay/Lesbian peers—as either a 'Stud' or a 'Pretty-Boi'—of which I find—not offensive at all—and this is—due-to-the-fact—that I will never possess a down-right male-appearance—my face is actually—very—very—Androgynous—and my style is Metro—and not—far—from—the appearance—of my Avatar—here at Susan's Place"). ("If you find the right pee-poles—you Devyn—will have no problem—in hearing the pronoun—you so deserve—again all this will come—REMEMBER: PATIENCE is a Virtue!").
("See both One & Five—Okay I'll REPEAT IT AGAIN HERE"). ("Please—Whatever you do—Don't do anything drastically enough—that would/ will cause you bodily harm—or bodily harm to your person!!!!!").("REPEAT THAT LINE AGAIN PLEASE—THANK YOU VERY MUCH").
7. ("Okay-- we are almost there—but I felt tha need to address this issue in its entirety—because WE lose—sooo—sooo-many of our young L/G-B-T's" to the –ignorance that surrounds them—and it is OUR job—as—Seniors/Veterans—to make sure that their 'transition' is one that is smooth—and—without hindrance—with that being said—please allow me to continue—").
My mom keeps yelling at me that I'm a lesbian (despite the fact that I'm bi but prefer girls and actually have a boyfriend right now - of course, I never tell her when I date someone.) She constantly calls me by my girl name even though she knows I'd rather stab myself in the ears than hear it (because I've actually attempted that before so I wouldn't have to hear other people call me a girl). She saw that I was crying and barely worried if something was wrong. She asked if I was okay and I said I was fine and she walked away.
("Devyn you are upset, because you feel that no-one is listening to you—right—wrong—we are here—to guide you—to get you—over this 'hump' so-to-speak...Again—Mothers are a 'Bad-habit' to break—but if yours IS involved in your life—be thankful—just learn to –Grin-and-bear-her---She loves you—no doubt of this—her only fault her—is that She KNEW—that She gave birth to a girl—that IS her ONLY defense toward you—don't be hard on—yourself—or on her—for that matter...it's how one would say-- 'Beating a wooden monkey' –no-one else feels it but YOU--"). ("And this is what you have been doing—beating yourself—their world is still going to continue—no matter how miserable you become—MyFriend Devyn tis not worth it...") ("You will 'Morph' into what you soo desire—in this I believe—it just takes time...I do know this—to be true—because I did!")
("Thank-you for allowing me this time to share with you—my thoughts on your plight"—I am here if you need me—Seriously Dude—you can email me anytime—and I will answer—for my door shall always be open to you—") ("I saw as your tag-line you have Chamillionaire's" 'Ridin' Dirty'—They see me Rollin—They Haten"). ("Devyn—what I usually tell youths, young adults & adults—is to practice what they preach"---Let'em hate—it's a waste of your time—let'em see yaH Roll'in—and smile brightly when doing so—never let'em 'ghet yer goat' so-to-speak"—or know what's on your mind—because in the end—they're not worth it—ONLY what matters to you---is worth ALL of your time and effort").
("Okay—I think I have said enough—no—really I have...i would like to leave you with something—not sure if you listen to these artist—but they are basically saying—and sending out the same message—which is—'You are Beautiful'")
And don't let anyone tell you that you are not—even if you don't think that you are—remember this—inner-beauty is a beautiful thang...!!!")
Christina Aguilera: Beautiful
Chris Brown: Beautiful People
Eminem: Beautiful
TLC: UnPretty
And a bonus by: DeadMau5: I Remember (One of my favorite lines from this song is: Remember, You don't have to give up-to let go...)
I encourage everyone to pull together and let's help a like-soul—and if you need some encouragement—please listen—to the words—in each one of these songs...Everyone has a message--that will hit--each--and--everyone--of us
Again thanks for Reading my response,
LaPapito
