Hi there,

Going to college and transitioning are two big decisions to make.  Maybe you feel that you need someone by your side at this time.  Are there councelors at the university where you are? Maybe you can talk to them.  Isn't there an LGBT office? Maybe you can hang out there when you feel out of place and need support and people there will be able to help you with your transition and coursework.

It would be good to have someone around.

When I look at myself in the mirror I see a guy wearing makeup. I think it's time for a change. Sorry that I wasted all of your time. I'm pretty sure that I'm just unhappy with myself; not necessarily with what gender I am.

Devin

Graverobber, you didn't waste anyone's time!!! *slap* - That's what we're here for, to support each other. So don't think like that!!! *hugglez*

You're feeling what I think all (or at least most) of us feel. It's more of a mental barrier than a physical one. I was on hormones for 8 months before I went out for my first time, because I was terrified. Because all I saw was a guy looking back at me. And when I put on makeup, all I saw was a guy wearing makeup.

It took soooo long for me to break out of that funk. But looking back, I know that it was all in my head. Sure, an additional 10 months of hormones did some extra good stuff for me (which is what you see now), but I know that it hasn't changed me THAT much. I just had to work through that mental barrier.

The best way to do this was to find people who you know personally, who can support you, and who can give you critical feedback. Who can tell you if you're blush and eye makeup make you look like a clown; tell you if your clothes look 75 years too old for you; and to tell you that you're beautiful and truly mean it. My breakthrough happened on the same week that i went out for the first time, when people didn't know I was trans, and thought I was a lesbian there to support other trans people.

Graverobber9, are you a lesbian here on this site just to support trans-people like me? Because I can't tell that you're trans. 

Cheer up though, a lot of girls would go crazy to look as good as you do right now. and especially since your so early in your transition, you're already pretty, but you're going to be stunning later on. Once you find your look (clothes, makeup, hair, etc), and find your confidence (which comes when you realize you're not a freak and people aren't staring at you!!), you're going to be an even more amazing person than you already are right now.

I implore you to - at the very least - talk to a gender therapist or psychiatrist about your feelings. Let them tell you whether or not you should transition. I don't want you to make a huge mistake and decide not to transition because of fear. Because if it comes back, and you decide transitioning is what you truly need, then you'll deeply regret not doing it sooner. I think most of us here can attest to that.

*hugs*

It's hard to judge just based on an avatar photo, but you seem to present just as feminine as many of the cis-women I went to college with. Certainly, there were a number of women with rather masculine voices. In fact, I can honestly say that we had students who seemed FAR more "freakish" than you might be feeling right now, and they seemed to get by just fine. I suspect the fears may be out-pacing reality, but I know quite well how hard those fears can be to overcome.

Ultimately, you are the only one who can decide what is necessary for you to make it through life day-by-day. All I can say is that I really wish I had transitioned back in college; it would have been so much easier than where I am now.

Whatever you decide you have to do, we're here for you. Be who you have to be, and know that we care.

"I went through all kinds of changes
Took a look at myself and said that's not me"
- Brian Wilson/Tony Asher 1966


I'm not just considering detransitioning out of fear; there IS a guy in me, and a girl too. The guy loves rockin' out (to The Beach Boys, Bob Dylan, Sly and the Family Stone, good music in general), scowling at everyone who passes him by, being the smartass in class, recording beautiful art pop, killing slimes in Dragon Quest...

The only thing to the girl in me is looking/trying to look pretty, watching romance comedies, sitting on boys' laps (one of my favorite pastimes)...


I'm still 50/50 on detransitioning, but I'm honestly starting to think that I'm really more of a "guy" than a "girl". I mean, I can scowl, record art pop music, kill Dragon Quest slimes, and such as a girl but I'd constantly be reminded how MASCULINE the lion's share of my interests and personality are.

I was walking around all day wearing a dress, and honestly, I'm just starting to miss being a "bro". I know I look cute, but that doesn't necessarily mean I feel good about myself. A guy flirted with me earlier but I snubbed him, said nothing, and walked away. I'm pretty much in one of the most difficult periods of my life right now, psychologically.

Sorry I'm prolonging this dying thread, but my decision hasn't been made.

There are some pretty unfeminine trans girls around (just like there are some pretty unfeminine cis girls). Me, I've never worn a dress in my life and I probably never will. I know I'm a girl because I know my body is wrong, not because I like pink (I don't). Being feminine and being female are really completely separate concepts.

In the end only you can know what's right for you. Perhaps you just aren't all that binary. Which is perfectly cool too.

Quote from: Graverobber9 on September 01, 2011, 10:27:59 PM
"I went through all kinds of changes
Took a look at myself and said that's not me"
- Brian Wilson/Tony Asher 1966


I'm not just considering detransitioning out of fear; there IS a guy in me, and a girl too. The guy loves rockin' out (to The Beach Boys, Bob Dylan, Sly and the Family Stone, good music in general), scowling at everyone who passes him by, being the smartass in class, recording beautiful art pop, killing slimes in Dragon Quest...

The only thing to the girl in me is looking/trying to look pretty, watching romance comedies, sitting on boys' laps (one of my favorite pastimes)...


I'm still 50/50 on detransitioning, but I'm honestly starting to think that I'm really more of a "guy" than a "girl". I mean, I can scowl, record art pop music, kill Dragon Quest slimes, and such as a girl but I'd constantly be reminded how MASCULINE the lion's share of my interests and personality are.

I was walking around all day wearing a dress, and honestly, I'm just starting to miss being a "bro". I know I look cute, but that doesn't necessarily mean I feel good about myself. A guy flirted with me earlier but I snubbed him, said nothing, and walked away. I'm pretty much in one of the most difficult periods of my life right now, psychologically.

Sorry I'm prolonging this dying thread, but my decision hasn't been made.

When we remove societal factors, what we like, and largely who we are as people, is gender neutral. You stay as the same person through transition, you just correct how others perceive you. There may be a small difference between male and female, but that difference can separate us from living in hell, or being free.

I've gone through the same thoughts you have. And what makes me want to continue this process, is that at the end of the day, when I look at that mirror, the reflection is still not mine...yet.

Quote from: Graverobber9 on August 30, 2011, 02:57:56 AM
Truthfully, I doubt it matters very much whether I pass at this point or not. Virtually everyone here saw me as a man last year, so it's not like I have anyone to fool. My main issue is living up to my own high standards.

A couple of things. An old woman once told me "When you get old you will far more regret the things you didn't do than things you did" which I have found to be very true.

Reading the above quote from you, you need to lower your standards and just be yourself

I transitioned in place, most people know my past or know of it. I think I pass OK on casual inspection (as I don't draw a crowd when I go out, no one freaks out when I walk into the women's room etc) but I also realize some people figure out I am TG if they interact with me for very long. But they also still KNOW I am a woman which is what matters to me.

I too have things I like to do that are "guy things", like doing "handyman" jobs for friends and at my church, I still ride and work on my motorcycles etc. I guess I am a mixture of both genders but present as mostly female.  You don't have to force yourself to "be girly" if that isn't who you are. My boyfriend is actually a lot more girly than I am lol.

My main goal is not to "pass" as a natal female but to be seen socially as a woman and to be as attractive/pretty as I can be. I am VERY self confidant that I pull this off well and people anywhere I go seem to accept this/me. I think what you are lacking is the self confidence that it's OK to be yourself. It's not easy and it took me a long time to get as confidant as I am with myself but IMHO, that's what it takes.

Quote from: Graverobber9 on September 01, 2011, 10:27:59 PM
"I went through all kinds of changes
Took a look at myself and said that's not me"
- Brian Wilson/Tony Asher 1966


I'm not just considering detransitioning out of fear; there IS a guy in me, and a girl too. The guy loves rockin' out (to The Beach Boys, Bob Dylan, Sly and the Family Stone, good music in general), scowling at everyone who passes him by, being the smartass in class, recording beautiful art pop, killing slimes in Dragon Quest...

The only thing to the girl in me is looking/trying to look pretty, watching romance comedies, sitting on boys' laps (one of my favorite pastimes)...


I'm still 50/50 on detransitioning, but I'm honestly starting to think that I'm really more of a "guy" than a "girl". I mean, I can scowl, record art pop music, kill Dragon Quest slimes, and such as a girl but I'd constantly be reminded how MASCULINE the lion's share of my interests and personality are.

I was walking around all day wearing a dress, and honestly, I'm just starting to miss being a "bro". I know I look cute, but that doesn't necessarily mean I feel good about myself. A guy flirted with me earlier but I snubbed him, said nothing, and walked away. I'm pretty much in one of the most difficult periods of my life right now, psychologically.

Sorry I'm prolonging this dying thread, but my decision hasn't been made.

This is why I hate ambiguous concepts like gender which are really nothing more than a social construct. The things you like do not define what sex your brain is. If your brain wants to be inside a female body then that makes you a transsexual, not whether you like ponies or the color pink or tutus and princesses.

As for being afraid of other's perceptions at school, I completely understand that. I had like five meltdowns the day before my classes started when I was finally full-time. I'm in a program where all the same students are there every semester, so I knew I was going to be anything but stealth. It was scary at first and some people ended up having harmless questions and that was the worst of it in the end. Even now, I'm taking a new elective where I was hoping to be stealth, but since my old name was still on the records I got outted today by accident. It felt like a knife in my gut. I wanted to start crying right there. But life went on. The students I worked with were friendly and we were all chatting and laughing in no time. Sometimes the person who is the most scared and freaked out by the big ol' ->-bleeped-<- in the room is just yourself.

Don't apologize, we're here for this very reason; to help you, Devin.

My advice would be to stop focusing on behaviors and hobbies, and focus entirely on your feelings. Forget completely about what you enjoy doing as your pass time, and focus entirely on just your feelings. Are you girl or are you a boy?

If you stayed the exact same person you are right now and didn't conform yourself to arbitrary social standards of what gender is; which gender would you be most comfortable living in?

There is no wrong answer. No matter whether you choose boy, girl or both.

I think I understand how you feel, I had these same thoughts since I was 10-11 so for about oooh 7-8 years? I would question myself I didn't want to make myself be something I wasn't but I was judging off the wrong thing. I was judging from social norms or what girls "should act like". Am I a girl? yes, do I like D&D and rock and roll and being a smart ass? yes, but that's just who I am! Everyone is different I have traits that could be masculine but does that necessary make me a guy? nope. The thing your thinking I believe is, "what part of me is a girl and what part is a boy, and which am I?"  You are you and nobody else, it's up to you decide how to present yourself and what you truly feel like, its your emotions that I think you should go by.

All in all I think it's best that you sit down and think about it for a few days then talk to a therapist.

Also what Samantharz said shes a smart cookie ^^  >.> *yum*

I'm honestly starting to feel that dressing as/being a girl is sort of doing more harm than good. I am just starting to feel quite disconnected from the essence of my Self, not to mention less confident than I have ever been (which is saying quite a lot).

I don't know what to do or who to be.


"How can I go forward when I don't know which way I'm facing?
How can I go forward when I don't know which way to turn?
How can I go forward into something I'm not sure of?"
- John Lennon, 1971

Quote from: Graverobber9 on September 01, 2011, 11:52:26 PM
...
(snip)

I don't know what to do or who to be.

...

Quote from: Hamlet Act 1, scene 3This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day

No matter what you do, do it for you.  I too, detransitioned years ago and have lived to regret it.

well you could.....just be yourself? sorry if that sounds harsh but just spend some time doing what you want not caring what gender it's in. If you find that you are way more comfortable in "guys clothes" dress as a guy if "girls clothes" dress as a girl, do what You want, not what your Gender socially expects.

The entire issue of gender and self is very complicated.... it is no wonder you are confused

Basically, no matter what attribute you decide to gender as "male" or "female"... you are going to find it actually exsits in the other gender as well.

Even things like genitals!

So? Are you male? Or are you female?

How are you supposed to decide that? Is there a checklist that you go down? What are the collection of attributes which decide a male or female? Hobbies? How much you cuss? How you are sexual? Again, everything you can think of is going to be found in males AND females.

So? What is the real issue at hand?

The real issue is if you like the effects of hormones and if that is something you feel will improve your life or not (the entire issues of what improves your life is very individual).

For me, I like the effects of hormones. If you make a list of the "good" and the "bad" that come along with the hormones and transition... there are a lot of things on both side...but, one of the biggest at the top is how you see YOURSELF when you are alone.

You can make friends who accept you. You can find a job that accepts you. And, you can find someone to love you. Simply, you can manage your way through life transition or not. But, in the end, if you aren't happy with your own body... or your own state of being... you will regret things.

I couldn't go back to testosterone I just really enjoy the effects hormones are having (on my mood for example! huge bonus!). And my body is shifting in a direction I find more beautiful

Quote from: Graverobber9 on September 01, 2011, 10:27:59 PMthere IS a guy in me, and a girl too. The guy loves rockin' out (to The Beach Boys, Bob Dylan, Sly and the Family Stone, good music in general), scowling at everyone who passes him by, being the smartass in class, recording beautiful art pop, killing slimes in Dragon Quest...

The only thing to the girl in me is looking/trying to look pretty, watching romance comedies, sitting on boys' laps (one of my favorite pastimes)...

Whoah!  Slow your rolls there, partner.  You are making this a lot more complicated than it actually is.  You are committing the logical fallacy that I like to call "overanalyzation fail"

I want you to do something for me.  Eliminate everything from your mind.  Just forget about everything for a brief moment.  Are you ready?  Ok, good.  Now, I want you to ask yourself one question.  Do you want to kill slimes as a guy, or as a girl?  The answer to this question is extremely important.  Just keep in mind that, contrary to popular belief, girls can also play Dragon Quest.

You seem to be confusing gender identity with hobbies.  Once you realize that they have nothing to do with each other, you will be much less confused.

It's more confusing than that, especially regarding music, because I enjoy SINGING as a guy. I just love crooning and singing low in general. I don't want to change my singing voice or cease performing live because of my new gender role.

I'm honestly pretty sure that I'm not going to transition at this point. I'm just finding transition pretty illogical at this point; it's not making me happier and I really do not feel like a woman inside at all anymore.

* ...it's not making me happier and I really do not feel like a woman at all inside. *

Well my good man, now there you got your answer! :-)

Short and sweet, kicked confusion in the butt. Very good.

I guess kicking it all about here must have helped you more then some therapy sessions, and then some.

I'm sure we all wish you the best of success with your decision to be who you are. That's what life is about after all.

One BIG hand shake from me then --- hey, and please don't break my wrist... :-)

Axelle

Quote from: Graverobber9 on August 29, 2011, 06:38:07 PM
<Snip>
... On one hand, I would very much like to look like a girl, but on the other hand I'm feeling so self conscious about it it's unbearable.

Quote from: Graverobber9 on September 01, 2011, 10:27:59 PM
<Snip>

... there IS a guy in me, and a girl too. The guy loves rockin' out (to The Beach Boys, Bob Dylan, Sly and the Family Stone, good music in general), scowling at everyone who passes him by, being the smartass in class, recording beautiful art pop, killing slimes in Dragon Quest...

The only thing to the girl in me is looking/trying to look pretty, watching romance comedies, sitting on boys' laps (one of my favorite pastimes)...

I'm not remotely qualified to pass judgement but from the two statements you've made above leaves me concerned.

Being a woman is not "very much liking to look like a girl" and there being a "guy and a girl in you" leaves me believing that you are no where near the point of trying transition.  Transition is the last act not the first.  I'm not sure if you have discussed these feelings that you have with your therapist, if you haven't, I strongly recommend that you do, as it may bring to light other issues before it's too late.

I don't wish to sound harsh but you express many doubts, anxiety and unhappiness.  I would strongly recommend that you stop, get on with your education before you make a mess of your life, and in a few more years rethink this and if you feel you are TS then move foreward.

I can relate.  Looking back, I wish I knew now what I didn't know then.  I would have done things differently. 

Personally, I feel we all know what's right for us, even when we feel lost.  All we have to do is eliminate all the outside influences bouncing around in our brain and see what thoughts are left.  And in there we should find our answer.

If you know transitioning is right for you but your confidence is getting in the way, do it slowly.  You can gain confidence along the way. 

As far as singing, I can relate to that too.  I really miss it.  And there's no way this Barry White voice will ever get within a galaxy of Minnie Riperton.  You get some, you lose some.  You have to decide what each will be.