Quote from: Graverobber9 on September 02, 2011, 09:33:40 AM
It's more confusing than that, especially regarding music, because I enjoy SINGING as a guy. I just love crooning and singing low in general. I don't want to change my singing voice or cease performing live because of my new gender role.

I'm honestly pretty sure that I'm not going to transition at this point. I'm just finding transition pretty illogical at this point; it's not making me happier and I really do not feel like a woman inside at all anymore.

I just want to point this video out if you have never seen it:

Bell Nuntrita a trans tailandesa que interpreta com duas vozes

I was looking through your past posts, and I wanted to ask if you have started HRT, or even gone to a gender therapist? I think you are expecting too much from yourself too quickly. I did a similar thing. Come the beginning of summer, I had NO reason to not present female except at work. I was out to all my family and friends, and for the most part, they were all supportive. But I couldn't. I may have set everything up, but I hadn't started HRT yet, and I simply wasn't mentally prepared. But that's ok.

Transition is different for everyone. I'm friends with one girl who went full-time the day she started HRT. She couldn't understand how I could go anywhere wearing boy clothing. I have another who inspired me to finally transition, and she still isn't full time, despite making the effort to begin the process over two years ago. I remember Samantha saying again, again, how it took her eight months on HRT, before she started presenting female on a regular basis.

Ask anyone who has gone through it, and they will tell you that transitioning was probably the hardest thing they ever did in life. It usually doesn't all at once. And it's different from person to person. Only do as much as you feel able to. Don't rush to being "fulltime" when it sounds like you are not emotionally, or mentally, ready. Don't beat yourself up. I know it's hard to break that cycle. For me, putting myself down has become an art form, but it's a waste of time and energy. I know it's easier said than done, but spend that energy on bettering yourself, at exploring yourself, at saying "yes" for a change.

I'll leave you with this:
Tom Waits reads Charles Bukowski

Thank you for all your help. I have realized that I am really a guy at heart. The main issue I now have to deal with is to stop being envious of women.


Thanks yallz
Devin

There are a lot of ways to find a balance in your life.

Quote from: Graverobber9 on September 02, 2011, 11:51:23 AM
Thank you for all your help. I have realized that I am really a guy at heart. The main issue I now have to deal with is to stop being envious of women.


Thanks yallz
Devin

Honey, please go see a therapist. I'm not saying your wrong, but you obviously have feelings and confusion that brought you here to this site, and I implore you to seek some help regarding those feelings.

Quote from: Samantharz on September 02, 2011, 12:19:49 PM
Honey, please go see a therapist. I'm not saying your wrong, but you obviously have feelings and confusion that brought you here to this site, and I implore you to seek some help regarding those feelings.

I couldn't agree more with this. Cis-gendered people don't typically even have these thoughts or feelings. Transition isn't for everyone, and in some ways, it MAY be better if you can live in your birth gender.

However.

Go see a therapist who specializes in gender therapy. When I was your age, I had an epiphany about being transgendered. It was too much to handle, though. I scared myself over the reality of the situation, and convinced myself that I was merely a crossdresser with a developed feminine half.

Again, please, please seek mental health. I think more of us have been where you are, more than you think. Just take care of yourself and be happy, whichever way that is.

Quote from: Graverobber9 on September 02, 2011, 11:51:23 AM
Thank you for all your help. I have realized that I am really a guy at heart. The main issue I now have to deal with is to stop being envious of women.


Thanks yallz
Devin

Hey if you really feel like ur a guy, life will be MUCH easier than dealing with being transgendered. And there is nothing wrong with changing your mind about this later. Deal with school and maybe in a few years you might have a clearer head about all this when you're not in the whole dorm/school environment.

I just hope that you don't feel as if you will need to "man it up" now that you are going with male. Just do what you like, don't be afraid to say you like girly things (even as a male). You will be a lot happier if you learn to express both sides of yourself without feeling that some things can / should only be expressed if you are female and others can/should only be expressed if you are male.

If you are confident and find friends that accept you, you will have no troubles Basically just be yourself. If you don't like talking about the things guys talk about... don't (i always found it offputting).

Though, for the longest time I just figured I was a guy with a strong female side (didn't even know about transitioning or hormones). So I accepted things as they were and was generally happy (expressing my feminine side online and keeping real life strictly male except with a couple close family members). But, in the end, I think I was just trying to make the best of the sittuation I had.

I tried presenting as a male today, and well, I don't think I really want to go back...  I realize that I'd rather be an obvious ->-bleeped-<- than a boy. Being a boy just doesn't feel... right anymore. 

Honestly, I don't think I would have even started this thread if I actually had friends here at college. I think my overwhelming loneliness is just making me think and say things that I would dismiss if I felt better about life. I have had a very, very unhappy life up till this point and I think that it is just getting the best  of me. 

Hey i am glad your facing the truth inside your heart. Life isn't easy but it does get better.. hugs D

Quote from: Graverobber9 on September 02, 2011, 07:16:21 PM
I tried presenting as a male today, and well, I don't think I really want to go back...  I realize that I'd rather be an obvious ->-bleeped-<- than a boy. Being a boy just doesn't feel... right anymore. 

Honestly, I don't think I would have even started this thread if I actually had friends here at college. I think my overwhelming loneliness is just making me think and say things that I would dismiss if I felt better about life. I have had a very, very unhappy life up till this point and I think that it is just getting the best  of me. 

If it makes you feel better I detransitioned a few years ago because I didn't have any supportive people around me. I think it takes a lot of strength to transition when it feels like you're the only one on your side. I wish you the best and hope you have at least a good therapist to help you through this.

Quote from: Graverobber9 on September 02, 2011, 07:16:21 PM
I tried presenting as a male today, and well, I don't think I really want to go back...  I realize that I'd rather be an obvious ->-bleeped-<- than a boy. Being a boy just doesn't feel... right anymore. 

Honestly, I don't think I would have even started this thread if I actually had friends here at college. I think my overwhelming loneliness is just making me think and say things that I would dismiss if I felt better about life. I have had a very, very unhappy life up till this point and I think that it is just getting the best  of me. 

http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/name/David_Baker-Hargrove_PhD,LMHC,DAPA,CCFC_Orlando_Florida_45705

Him. Skype. Trust me.

If not, like everyone else is saying, find a good gender therapist. Therapist's shouldn't be gatekeepers, but they are vital source to help us adjust to our new lives.

Quote from: Graverobber9 on September 02, 2011, 07:16:21 PM
I tried presenting as a male today, and well, I don't think I really want to go back...  I realize that I'd rather be an obvious ->-bleeped-<- than a boy. Being a boy just doesn't feel... right anymore. 

Well like I said, don't feel like you can't change you mind on all this. Honestly it does sound like you have more than just gender issues going on. This is just being thrown on top of everything. As "an obvious ->-bleeped-<-" myself I totally understand what you mean and I agree it's much better that -being a boy- and for me trying to 100% pass as a female doesn't feel right either. I'm sure you'll figure this out in time what is right for you. It took me 45 years to get to a comfortable place so you're already way ahead of me!

*hugs* Devin, whatever you decide, we'll be here. And don't hesitate to post, ever, if you're having trouble with things. We are here to help each other, that is the reason this site exists. We won't exile you if you decide to detransition. Your health and happiness is what is the most important. So be who you need to be, and damn the world! We all support you. *huggles*

Quote from: Samantharz on September 02, 2011, 10:57:13 PM
*hugs* Devin, whatever you decide, we'll be here. And don't hesitate to post, ever, if you're having trouble with things. We are here to help each other, that is the reason this site exists. We won't exile you if you decide to detransition. Your health and happiness is what is the most important. So be who you need to be, and damn the world! We all support you. *huggles*

^^ What she said.

I can't imagine trying to transition all alone, Devin. I'm only breathing because I have the support of my family and friends to get through the worst period. I think you are very brave, but that's even more of a reason to get hold of a good therapist, just so you have someone, anyone to talk to about it with. Getting stuck inside your own head is a really scary experience. Maybe talking a bit more about it here would help to get it out of your system? At the very least I can promise that you'll find people here who relate and sympathize.

Much love, hun.

I'm glad you came to a conclusion, just don't think that every conclusion is final ^_^.
I hope you enjoy your college days and I know you'll make some good friends, and if you need support, well that's what the website is for

Hugs~

only read the first page so i may be repeating a few points but I have a handful of thoughts:

1. ask almost any TS who transitioned after 25 what there biggest regret is and it's likely to be "why oh why did i wait?!!?!" the older you get, the more you look back on lost years and opportunities. i can't speak to your specific circumstance in terms of the progress of transition, and there's certainly nothing wrong with "catching your breath" - but if you really are TS, you will very much regret quitting.

2. college is the PERFECT time to do what might make you "feel like a freak" - unless it's a religious school or a very strict place, there are "freaks" all over the place and no one is noticing you - but you.

3. As for "being like a girl - I'd bet a considerable sum that if you go forth presenting as TS that you will acquire a number of "girlfriends" (not the dating kind) before winter break. Some girls will surely give you a hard time, but others will virtually adopt you.

4. Most importantly - the #1 factor in passing (beyond the basics like a fresh shave and such) above all others: Confidence. the old saying goes "fake it til you make it" Go out your door with your head high, your chest out, and as little doubt as you can arrange that you look GOOD and there's no reason anyone should not see a girl - and most will see a girl. you have to remember, most people are not really looking that hard.

Quote from: Graverobber9 on September 02, 2011, 07:16:21 PM
I tried presenting as a male today, and well, I don't think I really want to go back...  I realize that I'd rather be an obvious ->-bleeped-<- than a boy. Being a boy just doesn't feel... right anymore. 

Honestly, I don't think I would have even started this thread if I actually had friends here at college. I think my overwhelming loneliness is just making me think and say things that I would dismiss if I felt better about life. I have had a very, very unhappy life up till this point and I think that it is just getting the best  of me. 

Trust me, go about your business and accept it warmly when girls are nice to you - females are much more emotionally connected (in general) than guys and there will be empathy and a bit of "sisterhood" - not every woman, some will resent the intrusion. but in my experience, you'll make "girlfriends" if you are receptive.

Quote from: Tammy Hope on September 03, 2011, 02:17:04 AM
3. As for "being like a girl - I'd bet a considerable sum that if you go forth presenting as TS that you will acquire a number of "girlfriends" (not the dating kind) before winter break. Some girls will surely give you a hard time, but others will virtually adopt you.

lol! i have been running into this... all the girls I have come out to have become a lot more friendly (as in friends type of friendly) and a lot more open / chatty / wanting to do things.

Woopsy,
I had a notion when I did my post in calling you "my good man" --- that be pepper on the tail of YOU my bunny, was it?

So what is it today? Dude or Girl... or?
Hey, and what's wrong being a ->-bleeped-<-?

Please no offence to who ever feels this to be a derogatory term, I for one think it more cute then derogatory. But that just me. What we may call: "word reclaim"

You may say "->-bleeped-<-y" and "fishy" too for all I care, eh.
Some more ideas from the reclaim bag, hehe :-)
.........
->-bleeped-<-y = female version of cocky,
fishy = :-) calling all post-ops... calling all... :-) hehe.
Err no, actually calling all HOT femme dressers, not soo bad then, or? :-)
.........
So nice to hear you still with us girl, baritone crooning and all
Axelle

You can still go as a boy and take hormones, you know? People will notice, and sometimes hearing that you're "a girly looking guy" is less embarrassing and more comforting than "manly looking girl" or "->-bleeped-<-", because emphasis is put of feminine. Besides your main focus should be your studdies, why concern yourself with something so superficial as gender presentation?

If being a girl means you're acting half of the time and being self-conscious the other half, then your studdies will be hindered by it. There's plenty of time to explore gender later on.