Really not much to say....increasingly quiet. Just wanted to let you know i"d stopped by, and that I think about you. Let you know that I do come and read some...now and again. Sometimes just sitting with the window open to the "Androgyne talk" boards...feeling like sitting in the unicorn forest with all my friends who get it. *hugs*

Hey!

Ativan

I'm doing a lot of the same these days Sevan; not much to say and just hanging in the forest and watching random the unicorns happen by   

Unicorns?  I was in a cafe this evening in a fairly "alternative" part of town and they had a mural with unicorns frolicking.  I was tempted to add my bit of graffiti to it, like a few other people had done, on the significance of Unicorns.

It's nice to know there are those who are hanging around, if quietly.
My tree fort is always open, and the rope swing is in good shape.

Ativan

YES!!!!
Well...one positive, one negative...oh GID...what a b**** you can be! *hem*

We'll start with the good...ha! Two good!! Gender related good first, then the bad, then we'll end on the other good K...

I went to go see my dr. today and he came up with a very nice surprise! Turns out...he's been talking with the best known endo in our area who handles most the trans patients. Well...for as long as I've been on T...my doctor has been very fearful of me getting my T "too high"....which is ridiculous. I've brought in source material, published trans related hormone publications and studies and none of this seamed to matter. He didn't want my T over 600 and...for most trans folk who take T that's not suitable to feel "right". I settled with it because...what was I going to do. Some T was better than none I reassured myself.

So back to today. I was talking to him about my energy levels which aren't so great...and he brought up my T levels. Which I reminded him...he didn't want any higher than they currently are. Well!! He's changed his tune!! Now that he's talked to this other Endo...he's learned, admitted that he's learned! He now knows that female bodied persons don't have T blockers in their system and thus, naturally have higher (seeming) T than natal males. So I'm clear to finally get my T back to a range I'd FAR prefer!!! ANd...hopefully...raise my energy levels in the process. Here's hopin.

The bad news...eh. Mainly just...GID sucks. I was trying to find an image of a naked transwoman that had started my whole process of exploration for me. I don't know why I was looking for it...it never ever goes well. What made me think that this time would somehow be different? I don't know. I really don't. Needless to say...it wasn't different. In my "innocent" search...I stumbled onto a porn site that had a gallery style front page. All the pictures were of natal women with poorly photoshopped penises attached to the area either above their clit, or in place of their clit. Some were better photoshopped than others...but all were clearly not real.

All the same....it sent a SURGE of just...I...I can't even really express fully what the feeling is upon seeing such images. Pain/lust/desire/wanting to look like that/shame/guilt all rolled into one I guess....stupid. Just stupid.

Back around to some good....unrelated to gender in any way...

My honey has been working on an RPG manual/game system for many many many years and it's now published on Lulu.com!!!! I'm so so so so SO proud of her! I hate to lump this in with the rest of this post but...again, I wanted to end on something good. So...yea. It's out in play test version now, and the full, complete version will be out as soon as we have finished art from the artist. Which is slowly starting to trickle in! It's great fun. If your the gamer sort, go look up "Saga: the Game", add us on facebook or buy a manual! Yay!!!

Good luck with the T! I'm glad the doc got some education. Maybe the lower T is related to the worsening GID feelings? Either way, I hope things look up in that department.

Thanks Casey! I notice that when I drop too low in the T I do get the "blahs" and the "blues". I feel pretty good when I'm in the 700-800 T range and my doctor was preferring I stay below 700 and got very worried with me even being that high. It was his opinion that no male should be above 500 and that's just... ridiculous.
So I'm very relieved that he's been educated and changed his stance. For sure!!
The new T that I'm going on is also adjustable just like the T I was on. I'm glad for that. My body seems to hold onto it longer than just the 24hr cycle. I build it up somewhat...it's not a perfect system this... So it's really nice to be able to listen to my body and find what I need for that day. If I've kind of built up and I'm feeling aggressive or agro one morning I can think that maybe a lower dose that day would be preferable. I can do that with this new method and I'm really glad for that.

That's a part of the reason I will be going on the gel (I assume that's what you mean by adjustable), so I can figure out what works. I'm pretty in touch with my hormones and they affect me pretty dramatically.

Yep. I'm on the gel. There are now a few different types. The one I was on (Testim) came in small "daily tubes" but you can stretch that out and do half the tube one day, full tube next day...etc. That goes across your chest. The new one I'm going on comes in a large lotion type bottle with a pump. You put one pump into this little cup and rub it into your armpit. Then another pump for the other armpit. You can do anywhere between one to four pumps a day depending on your need (and/or prescription) and my doctor and I have discussed it and OKed me to go with what feels right between one to two pumps a day, but no more. (as it's likely not needed for me to take that much.)
There are two other brands of topical testosterone but I don't know anything about those two.

Oh cool! Based on how my endo described it, I'll be on the pump system. I'd get annoyed with all the little tubes.

I'm on a blocker. But, one of the main reasons for an anti androgen was the constant anger and rage feelings I used to have.

Lets us know how you're doing and how it's affecting your moods for the first week or so, OK?
I get mine blocked and it's just great to not have that underlying rage wanting to get out, But you guys bring the level up and it does the same thing I keep hearing. Are our brains really wired that way? That it works both ways, depending on who you are?
I think it's the best thing I have ever done for myself.

Curious bystander,
Ativan

It is amazing what these hormones do!! I'll definitely be paying close attention to how I'm feeling/doing. I'm not really sure why I'm switching...honestly. I don't know what's better about this new T vs the T I'm on currently....other than where I put it on my body...(which does interest me some..)
I kind of like the little tubes because then when I travel I can take exactly how much I need for the trip, rather than taking my whole month supply of T. What if something happened to my bag or something? (which I guess I'll now have to be worrying about...lol!)
I'm interested in this mainly because of how it's administered and where it's administered. You put the gel in the cup and never have to touch it. (I rub the current gel into my shoulders and chest with my hands (which it's very drying and doesn't feel good on my hands.)