I just want to sleep.  Been trying to for 4 hours, but it's not happening.  My brain is in overdrive and none of it is good.  It's launching every single attack thought it can get its troublesome little hands on and it's close to crushing me once and for all.  I need to sleep.  I need it to end.

Not that it matters.  I can't help anyone else anyway.  My negligence just kills people, right?  I should be able to save them all but I can't.  I can't save anything.

Even my cactus died.  Do you know how hard it is to kill a cactus?  It just sits there in my bedroom, four feet of shriveled up nothing now because I can't do anything right.  I'll give the rest of my plants away so they have a chance.  Because life with me just means death.  Of everything.  I can't see any worth or value in my own existence...

Well Zoë, your post sounds to me like a lot of self pity and self hate.
I think you never killed people, you're too nice for that.
Think differently, give it a try to love yourself in the first place, this sounds selfish but, remember you can only give love to others when you love yourself first.
You don't see a value in your existence.....well what existence has value than? We are here on earth due to a coincidence of nature, and we must try to make the best of it.

For what I see is that you're a nice and friendly girl, with a nice face who is talking herself right into depression.
STOP THAT, see yourself as others do see you, I never see posts who are negative about Zoë Natasha, so there is no reason why you should be negative about yourself.

And for your comfort....also a cactus has an expire date and will die one day.
People also have an expire date, the short time we have should be a lot of fun.
That's the value of your existence, make friends, make fun and when it's your time, you can say, it was a good time.
Don't spoil it with negative toughts and don't bring yourself down, others will do that for you, please don't steal their job.

I hope it helps when I say that I like your input on the forum and to me you seems a lovely, fragile girl who needs some support like we all do once in a while.

hugs and kisses
Annette

I probably shouldn't respond; I'm not exactly in a positive space at the moment. But I feel as if I'm living in one of those Twilight Zone worlds where there are no other people, and I really feel the need to reach out. Especially to someone who is also in a funk.

I killed a cactus once, so you're not the only one.

My sleep schedule is all over the map right now.

I have sleeping pills, however. Might take one now. I've been trying to kick the habit, but I haven't gotten very far with that campaign.

Tomorrow, I'm going to see if I can start over. I don't have to get all sorts of things done; I just have to make a start. That's all it is, every day: starting something and making a little progress on it. It gets easier once the ball is rolling.

What is making your mind race? I have found that it helps me to write down a list of the things I hope to do the next day, or a list of the things that are bothering me. Once I get it down in writing, I go back to bed and focus on my breathing. I consciously focus on relaxing. It doesn't help much when I have stuff on my mind, but that's why I make the list.

Wow, it's way past my bedtime, and I'm on the West Coast.

I deal with sleep issues as well, insomnia can really mess with a person's psyche and then their perspective of themselves and others can become askew... We all beat ourselves up far more than necessary because we tend to be our own worst critics... Then toss in a few criticisms from others and we're about ready to go on a flipper

I and probably many others deal with similar issues... Sometimes I feel like I can't do anything right and no-one understands me or really listens or reads anything I have to say... But in reality, I do communicate fairly well and the folks that give me incoherent answers are often distracted by their own self absorption and there are some things I am good at and some folks actually do listen and/or actually read and comprehend what I have said to them correctly

I think you're a rather bright person and have made great progress... Stop beating yourself up

Love and Hugs Sis

- Virginia

[quote from Virginia... Then toss in a few criticisms from others and we're about ready to go on a flipper.

Agree Virginia, that's exactly what I mean with that's the job of others, don't steal their job, don't be a DIY

hugs
Annette

Well, I have to admit, my cactus died too, it may be easier to kill them than you think! I am not sure what i did wrong, but I try not to feel bad about it, after all what does feeling bad gain me? When I pose that question to myself I usually feel pretty silly for feeling bad.

I hope that you will be able to grab onto the confidence to know that there are things you can do right, and  that if nothing else, I enjoy your informative and thought provoking posts, so that's one thing you are doing right at least.

You might not be able to save everyone Zoe, no one can, but even if you help one person, that is a life worth living, nay, a life worth cherishing. I hope that you can see your value, because I don't even really know you, but I still see value in you.

Big Hugs - Hikari

I'm sorry, everyone...

When I get in situations like I was in last night, I don't even feel like I have control over my brain.  I force myself to think of positive things and then some automatic thought comes along to stamp it back into the ground and use the good thought to hurt me even more.  Every single thought I have is like a dagger through my heart and someone else is doing the stabbing.  Lately, my thoughts have raced so fast that I'm getting headaches and I can't attend to a single activity for more than a minute or so.  Even if I don't do anything physical, I feel exhausted from the sheer number of thoughts in my head.

It would be fantastic to have a thought, act on it, make the thought go away, and feel a sense of accomplishment, but I'm having great difficulty getting a single thing done because I can't calm my thoughts long enough to do it.

I dozed off in my chair last night between 9 and 9:30, and kept half-waking until about 11.  Then I turned on one of my Pandora stations while brushing my teeth and it played a song that, even though it's one of my favorite songs in the history of music, is a MASSIVE trigger for too many things in my life.  It's the one song that tears me apart more than any other.  I heard maybe five bars of it before my mind went straight to one of the videos for the song, and I began crying on the spot.  Not just sobbing, but dropping my toothbrush and falling to the ground crying.  Like everything shattered.  I climbed into bed but still hadn't stopped crying after four hours.

Yes, I'm that reactive to sound.  And light too.  Some days are better than others, but it's getting tougher as we approach winter.  The good days are fewer and farther between.

The good news is that I see my doc this Thursday and I should be going on an antidepressant to help me with all of this.  Right now I'm not on anything but generic Ritalin (and hormones), but caffeine calms me down much more than the Ritalin is doing.  Could be that I'm at the lowest possible dose, but I can't afford more.  In fact, I'm giving it up completely because of the cost.

In the meantime, I'm doing all I can to get through... I won't lose my natural optimism that things will work out.  Because I'm naturally just that: an optimist.  I'm an optimist who sometimes gets shattered.

From all of the posts that I've seen you make, I can tell you're a natural optimist. You're very rarely negative in any posts except in this thread, and even then you're somehow still optimistic about it all.
I know that sounds kinda funny, but I mean it.

I have also killed a cactus. Cute little thing. Not sure how the hell it managed to die. 

They put me on Ritalin once. It reacted with my other medication that I was on and made me want to kill myself more. Great idea, doc. (But being the optimistic realist that I usually am, I didn't do anything about it except complain at my next appointment. )

Anyway, as Barack Obama said before he was elected, "We must pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off." And you seem to be pretty good at that.

~Just my thoughts.

I hate nights like those. 

Is there something you could do to wear yourself out beforehand?  I never sleep as well as when I hike/dance/whatever for a few hours first.  If you're tense or worried maybe a cup of tea and a soak in the tub could help.  Your therapist could probably suggest other ways to convince your brain to shut off for the night.  It's good to hear about the antidepressants, though.  I hope they help.  Being sleep deprived makes everything else that much worse.

Also, I've never had a cactus, but I've killed some bamboo.  It's one of the things that made me realize just how depressed I was.  I knew that it was out of water and was dying, but I couldn't make myself bother to refill it.  Those down times can feel so bad, but they also make you appreciate it more when you start feeling better.

I hope you can find a way to get rid of these times.  After all, some people are just too pretty to cry.

  I'm having sleep problems as well.  This is the 10th anniversary of 9-11.  Ten years without a job and 2-3 years left of my savings.  Sent out to pasture too early.  A doctor's appointment coming up doesn't help.  That appointment will cost me a much needed roofing job for this season. 
  Joelene