I sit here filled with so much pain that i think i am numb. not to the pain, it is agonizing, i am numb to whatever i have used in the past to make myself feel good.

Truthfully, I wish I could pass from this world, I hope that if there is a god, it would have the mercy and grace to bring me back as a biological female.

Ive struggled my whole entire life. From trying to find acceptance as a child, to rugs, jail, prostitution, and crime as a teen. Now I struggle with a ->-bleeped-<-ed up society, and even my very gender.

What crazy is, everyone who knows me says all these amazing things about me. About how my soul shines, and how smart I am, and how I have awesome communication skills, and Im a hard worker, and a good person and yaddayaddayadda.

I am hurting at the deepest part of myself. My soul feels torn.
Im not looking for sympathy, Im not looking for help, Im just trying to get it out.

I dont want to die, but I dont want to live. I am losing hope fast. I made delicious chocolate chocolate graham crunch cookies, and they just make me feel guilty. I cant seem to find pleasure in anything except for the understanding that life is not forever.

I know my moods swing. However this pain is real. Im not looking for sympathy, or to bring anyone down, and I am sorry if I did.
Maybe its good that I can feel despair. At least Im feeling my soul...

Dear babe,
yet one more of these nasty GID-attacks as it sounds.
At least you can still TYPE.

Babe some of us, include me, can't even do THAT anymore when that steam-roller hits.

Lie down, hug your teddy (hope you have one) hold it to your tummy and think of the kids you have created. PRAY! And be thankful for the woman that carried them for you. PRAY some more and be thankful that you were shown YOUR path. PRAY, for all the good things that happened in your life. And say THANK YOU.
Never mind to cry your eye balls out whilst doing so.

If you on your own --- just scream out your inner pain, JUST like a woman that gives birth. Spit it OUT! Then try and get some rest, babe.

It WILL pass, it always does pass.
Sometimes our situation can become so apparent, so bad, it buckles the mind --- but IT WILL PASS. And it WILL get better.

Been there plenty of times, but the frequency of those horrible GID-attacks get less.

We all with you,
Axelle

I'm glad you just started this thread so I didn't have to. Life is nothing but a big bundle of pain waiting for you if you're not normal... and YES everyone has an intuitive concept about what Normal means... if God has any grace he'd have given me the mercy to not ever have existed or to just pass away. But god doesn't give a ->-bleeped-<- about you or me or our pain, nobody does really. If you aren't normal then you're most certainly ->-bleeped-<-ed and it's best to start digging your grave, otherwise just put up with being a cheap target for hate and misunderstanding, a walking talking punching bag for people to feel better about themselves by designating someone else as garbage.

Bright, smart, funny ... none of that means jack when you're dead inside, when you can't even recognize yourself and knowing all you will ever be is a sick freak, a joke whether to yourself or others. It doesn't matter if the whole world loves, if you don't love yourself you're as good as dead.

There.

Hells Bells, you girls can be such cheerleaders!

I guess we all need to have a dump sometimes - but it's no good to groove in the negative.

It would even chase the RATS off your boat! Eh.

...
Axelle

Quote from: jillian on September 10, 2011, 06:26:09 AM
  My soul feels torn.

The depression you have sounds alot like the one I have.
I know this sounds ridiculous and these supplements didn't work for me when i was that deeply depressed, but if you find some breathing space,
i've been taking St. John's Wart and 5-HTP (100 mg.) daily and after a few days I noticed a difference.
If anything it should make you feel more uplifted, positive, or atleast not so focussed on feeling numb so you can think about things clearer.

thanks.   things just arent living up to my expectations. Its very hard for me to lower them, because I work so hard myself,
makes it difficult to accept human shortcomings.
Love conquers all
Thanks <3

Sometimes I let things get to me, like today when I decided to treat myself to a little shopping and a film, and had to put up with dozens of kids laughing at me as I walked past them, I tried not to show I was concerned, I held my head high and sashayed onwards to where I was going because I didn't want anyone to think they could get to me but inside I just wanted to die and burn up into a cinder on the spot.  What should have been a good day didn't turn out to be so much, still at least I got to see the film and I bought myself a fab Beatles Abbey Road poster, but tomorrow's another day and I won't let my sadness drag me down, I've been suicidal in the past (three times I've actively tried it and two other times I made myself stop) and I'm never allowing myself to get to that point ever again.  No matter how down I get there's always hope that tomorrow will bring something new

*muah* don't lose hope. i love you and want you to become beautiful. <3

Jillian,
* ... things just arent living up to my expectations. Its very hard for me to lower them... *

Bunny, there you said it. That is the SOURCE of it all, your supreme pain.

Transition is a *project* and like all projects - you need to set expectations UP FRONT,
as best as you can. Then as in any project there need to be revisions and adjustments.

Things just sometimes do NOT go as we insist up front, and it is NOT lowering expectations, it is CHANGING, and adjusting expectations to align with what REALITY has to offer.

In projects if THAT is not accepted fact --- projects crash and fail.

No one wants you to fail here, neither want you.
So look at your expectations and were in need REVISE them.

'Old project doll' speaking here. So PLEASE listen and do not insist on things, not possible at the time.

Lastly, you young and you driven - that makes for IMPATIENCE.
Nature can't give two straws for our impatience, SHE MOVE AT HER OWN RATE.

Hugs, long one...
Axelle

I was utterly lost yesterday.
Between my spouse, you girls, and my therapist, and some rl friends, I think I am feeling much better.

Ive never had GID so bad, if thats what it is.  I have to wear a tuxedo for my sisters wedding.  I tried to tell my mom how hard its going to be, and her and my dad got mad.
I told her this has made me want to leave the earth, and yet the pain i feel at times is irrelevant to them. So sad.

Anyways, thanks for the cheers and to any other girl feeling like I have been, just let it pass and dont be afraid to put it out there.

OK babe,
now we talking. ->-bleeped-<-! haven't I been just in THIS position before.

It feels like going right back into this prison cell you so desperately got yourself out of.

I had to do it for some ID issues, to avoid too many silly question, in two instances it completely cracked me up. COMPLETELY. So I know how you feel/felt.

Now the good news. It will get better, I said so before, even with that sort of stuff.

Now ---  I'll do a 'Marlene Dietrich' for them, in pants jacket, the works, it's like reverse cross-dressing, so the heat is off! The way to go :-)

During early transition it TOTALLY freaked me out, but once we get more secure, it become more of a show presentation, and a "then so what?!" thing.

So, let the sun shine in and "damn the tuxedoes" hehe.

Axelle