I had my third therapy appointment yesterday.  My therapist is great and supportive and has had other transgender clients.  The first two sessions were mostly about my crossdressing and addiction issues, but during the last session I told her that I don't think dressing is just a fetish, but that it is much deeper than that.  We talked a little about transitioning, HRT, etc, and she encouraged me to dress as much as I'm comfortable with to see how I feel.

So all of this seems right and good, but it's REALLY hard to get my head around this concept.  I've ALWAYS had these thoughts as far back as I can remember, but a big part of me wants to just write it off as a crossdressing thing and keep it under wraps.  Transition freaks me out.  But the thought of living as a woman is euphoric and feels like a huge expanse of goodness has opened in my mind.

I don't want to push myself beyond what is right for me, but what helped you overcome your fears at the beginning?

One more piece of information: I do have uncontrolled high blood pressure and want to ask my therapist to support going on spironolactone.  Is it a really bad idea to request an anti-androgen at this point?

My advice, and this is probably different than that of most professionals, but you should only chase what you feel comfortable doing. The reality is that the world isn't (well, I should say "shouldn't be") divided between strictly male and female. If you like partaking in two gender roles, my advice is to be as androgynous in terms of the face and body as possible, without destroying the identity of either sex.

Basically, straight men get waxed, plucked, styled, shaved, make-up'd, lasered, wigged, and stuff all the time; these things are perfectly fine for a man to do in our times without raising suspicions. What makes you look better in a female role may also work just fine when you have to put on the male role. Eyebrows really do the trick, you want brows that are shaped up and plucked mildly, but do not make a gender statement. Improving your skin health will make you look better in both roles, as will other improvements. Most plastic surgery procedures are also designed to be quite androgynous in the goal, and things like forhead reduction, rhinoplasty, and other things can be performed as androgynously as you want; these features can be improved without making a gender statement on either side of the picture.

With hormones, it's a bit tougher because you sort of have to go one way or the other, though Anti-Androgens may be a good bet for you for now, to improve your body and skin health. It shouldn't do anything negative to a male role, though there are risks of no libido and chemical castration. Basically, the transitioning into a woman can sound exciting for no more reasons than it's a "new step", and this is the type of excitement you don't want to fall into. It sounds like you have things figured out that you're a crossdresser who wants to take things a bit more seriously. What I recommend again is to take things slow, and work on physical improvements that can improve both gender roles without adding negative features to either/or.

Hi Angela, and welcome.  I started by dressing at home as much as possible, experimenting with makeup etc, and observing my reactions.  I realise you have been crossdressing, but have you consciously noted your reactions each step of the way?

Also I started to pay a lot of attention to things that affected women, such as harassment stories etc, and realised I was consciously  taking the woman's part, not just seeing it as an offence from the point of view of a former Policeman( they are offending, throw the book at them).

Being a woman is really nothing to do with clothes etc, it's a change of mindset.  I couldn't go back to being a man.  I really wouldn't know where to start, it's like I've forgotten how to do it all.

Karen.

Accept yourself as a woman    You will never be comfortable with yourself until you accept who and what you know yourself to be

Self acceptance is often half the battle

I don't know if you're the same as me in this regard, but I used to think when I dressed that I felt like I was a man playing dress-up, but I've done it so long that now when I change into something from my other wardrobe I just think to myself "ahhh, that's so much more comfortable!" So my advice would be the same as your therapist, to dress as often as you're able to, and in time you'll be much more comfortable with that part of yourself and maybe see where it leads 

Thanks for all of the insight. 

I've been dressing much more since beginning therapy which has been great.  I've been talking with my wife about it.  That's been hard but she is supportive, at least at this step    I travel quite a lot and I can't wait to have some more time to myself to learn.  Do you remember how much you had to learn at the beginning?  I have SO much to learn!

This whole idea of transition is just incredibly daunting.  I mean, I have a very good, well paying job, a wife, and two young kids.  I have an active, happy social life.  Hobbies, to-do lists, you know, LIFE.  I've thought a lot about becoming more androgynous.  It's certainly better than becoming more masculine but a far cry from feminine.  I just melt when I think of life as a woman.  Maybe I'm over romanticizing and over thinking the whole thing.  It's a struggle to think of dismantling my life and creating a new one from scratch.

There's too much going on in my head to rush any drug decisions.  If I choose to in the future I'm 100% ok with it, but I need to work things out first.  The downside is that I still have to deal with the high blood pressure and don't want to change meds in the future.  <sigh>

Makes you want to tear your hair out.  At least what's left.  +1 anti androgen.

you just have to push yourself to present yourself to the world in a feminine manner, it can be difficult at first but once you start doing it , it will just become second nature and you won't even twice about going out dress as a guy , cause you would not want to be caught dead dressing male.

In my experience it took some time to break down my old persona and build a new one, but once I got comfortable with going out as a woman , it started to empower me to be myself, and I started to feel good about myself for the first time in my life.

I have long believed that so-called transvestites are actually embyronic transsexuals/transgenders, most of them slowly but surely come round to realising that they are actually female.   The need to dress etc as a woman is in my opinion I clear cut sign from your inner woman that she wants to be recognised.  I don't think of transvestism as a sexual perversion thing.

I wonder if my wanting to hide or more accurately downplay my femininity is a sign or me not fully accepting that I am a woman?    I like to think that I am being cautious though when in public.   Once you let the cat out of the bag that animal is never going to go back in again.

 I hate starting paragraphs with "For me, I....", but for me, I always really knew in my heart who I was, it was saying the things out loud that I had been trying so hard, and so long to keep hidden that was hard. But all it took was to get that first one out, and then it got easier every time.  Even though it's already been over two years of full time 24/7, every now and then when I look in the mirror, or even in the middle of the night, lying in bed I'll say with a bit of giddiness; "I'm a girl!"

Quote from: Princess of Hearts on September 11, 2011, 07:25:21 PM
I wonder if my wanting to hide or more accurately downplay my femininity is a sign or me not fully accepting that I am a woman?    I like to think that I am being cautious though when in public.   Once you let the cat out of the bag that animal is never going to go back in again.

I don't think it is that, it is that you got to take small steps into being feminine in public , I don't you could just take one big leap , it just takes time I guess.

Personally, I don't get why anyone has to "train" to be a girl.

With my personality, I naturally act like a girl when I'm happy or feeling normal, and I act like a sloppy boy when I'm depressed. The more I'm on this forum, the more I'm convinced that hardly anyone but me actually has a female personality. It seems everyone here had to "train". Isn't transitioning about expressing who you are inside and out, instead conforming yourself to a misconception or stereotype? I've acted like a girl when I have the rare confidence, I've done that my entire life. I don't have to go through personality boot camp.

I mean, if I woke up with the body and face I want, right now, I would put on the sexiest outfit I could, confidently walk around the mall, touch and flirt with whoever I could, sign my contracts for multiple film roles, and do "me." Sure, my voice could use pitch and accent training, but that has nothing to do with my personality or strictly what I identity with. When it comes to my personality, I love everything that I love, and I express myself how I want to. If I looked more like a girl right now, I'd walk around with a F You attitude toward anyone who'd suspect I'm not female, as long as I have the appearance I want, it gives me the confidence to really care less about anything else.

Quote from: RhinoP on September 15, 2011, 12:37:43 PM
Personally, I don't get why anyone has to "train" to be a girl.

With my personality, I naturally act like a girl when I'm happy or feeling normal, and I act like a sloppy boy when I'm depressed. The more I'm on this forum, the more I'm convinced that hardly anyone but me actually has a female personality. It seems everyone here had to "train". Isn't transitioning about expressing who you are inside and out, instead conforming yourself to a misconception or stereotype? I've acted like a girl when I have the rare confidence, I've done that my entire life. I don't have to go through personality boot camp.

You are forgetting Rhino that for most of us at least in the beginning our inner girl is a very scared, very afraid little girl who has hidden herself away in the darkest part of the darkest cupboard.  She lies curled up on the floor in a foetal position.    Saying to that young girl who has been so traumatised 'ok it is safe for you to come out now and be yourself' isn't realistic.   That very scared and very afraid girl isn't going to believe your words.  What is needed are many kind words, patient acceptance and a loving and supportive environment.   A long time has to pass before this inner girl can even feel mildly secure never mind in any way socially normal if she ever is.    I hesitate to use the phrase socially retarded but many of us are socially backward in a female sense.   Unlike genetic girls we weren't out in the sun and fresh air.  Our inner girl was hiding herself away in the darkest recesses of the most lonely and out of the way cupboard.   Is it any wonder this girl is so stunted and underdeveloped?

To continue the above post.   It is proof positive that after so many years of neglect our inner girl/female is still alive.  Had this sense of being female been a fantasy or some sort of sexual deviancy then it would have withered and died long ago.   Only what is true in us survives all else withers away naturally and of it own accord.

Saying to us 'hey now you are a girl/woman why aren't you acting like one'?   Is actually very cruel, especially coming from one who ought to know better Rhino.   If you had taken a genetic female and locked her in a cellar letting her see only one or two people and rarely at that from birth until 20, 30, 40, 50 ...what sort of creature would come blinking into the light?

Quote from: RhinoP on September 15, 2011, 12:37:43 PM
Personally, I don't get why anyone has to "train" to be a girl.

With my personality, I naturally act like a girl when I'm happy or feeling normal, and I act like a sloppy boy when I'm depressed. The more I'm on this forum, the more I'm convinced that hardly anyone but me actually has a female personality. It seems everyone here had to "train". Isn't transitioning about expressing who you are inside and out, instead conforming yourself to a misconception or stereotype? I've acted like a girl when I have the rare confidence, I've done that my entire life. I don't have to go through personality boot camp.

I mean, if I woke up with the body and face I want, right now, I would put on the sexiest outfit I could, confidently walk around the mall, touch and flirt with whoever I could, sign my contracts for multiple film roles, and do "me." Sure, my voice could use pitch and accent training, but that has nothing to do with my personality or strictly what I identity with. When it comes to my personality, I love everything that I love, and I express myself how I want to. If I looked more like a girl right now, I'd walk around with a F You attitude toward anyone who'd suspect I'm not female, as long as I have the appearance I want, it gives me the confidence to really care less about anything else.

Narcissistic much?

Listen, OP, in the end, do what you can to be happy. And that doesn't matter if you transition or don't transition. I do want to give some insight, though, that might help:

I grew up suppressing myself. I really had no reason to, but I did, anyway. I was ashamed that I was a girl, but physically male. So I ran from it. When it surfaced, I turned to crossdressing. I convinced myself that I was merely a crossdressing male with a strong female side. I used every reason to convince myself that I wasn't simply a girl with a complicated medical history. I was too tall, too big, too strong, I liked doing "guy" things like video games, and cars, and computers, etc, etc, ad nauseum.

In the end, all of that energy was wasted into thinking of ways why I wasn't a girl. I wasted a good 6-7 years of my life. Having said that, I will say this too: I only transitioned when I could, no sooner, no later. The same may be true about you. Or not. This business is complicated, so don't fret over it anymore than you have to. You're in therapy, and that is good. Keep with it.

I believe everyone should be happy with themselves to point they don't care what others think. It's possible. It just requires each and every person finding exactly what makes them happy in their own body. For me, that answer is strictly having a more beautiful, harmonious face, because I know (and have experienced) it's many physical benefits. When you're pretty, you don't have to put up with discrimination; "At least I'm prettier than you." is one of the most painful insults you really can tell someone, it's a very valuable weapon against hateful folk.

Second, people respond better when you hug them, touch them, flirt with them, make random conversation, take pictures, ect ect if you have a more accessible, friendly, female face; it's a social positive that never, ever ends and is important to every human interaction.

Third, because of what I've been through (a family that constantly called me ugly, severe bullying [being called names like "ugly"]), finally achieving a mainstream, female, beautiful facial appearance would help me forget all those things like they never existed, just like many here want to forget the times they were a man. I've achieved beauty before through surgery, and it literally works for me. Sadly, facial trauma and botched surgery since those times have left me in a worst state than I've ever been in.

Fourth, it plain out would help me pass as a woman by about 100000000000000000000000000000x than what I can achieve right now. 

Quote from: RhinoP on September 15, 2011, 12:37:43 PM
Personally, I don't get why anyone has to "train" to be a girl.

With my personality, I naturally act like a girl when I'm happy or feeling normal, and I act like a sloppy boy when I'm depressed. The more I'm on this forum, the more I'm convinced that hardly anyone but me actually has a female personality. It seems everyone here had to "train". Isn't transitioning about expressing who you are inside and out, instead conforming yourself to a misconception or stereotype? I've acted like a girl when I have the rare confidence, I've done that my entire life. I don't have to go through personality boot camp.

I mean, if I woke up with the body and face I want, right now, I would put on the sexiest outfit I could, confidently walk around the mall, touch and flirt with whoever I could, sign my contracts for multiple film roles, and do "me." Sure, my voice could use pitch and accent training, but that has nothing to do with my personality or strictly what I identity with. When it comes to my personality, I love everything that I love, and I express myself how I want to. If I looked more like a girl right now, I'd walk around with a F You attitude toward anyone who'd suspect I'm not female, as long as I have the appearance I want, it gives me the confidence to really care less about anything else.

I require no 'training' to be a girl.. What I do need is time for the 'learnt behaviours' to no longer become habit.. That requires a little work, but I wouldn't call it training to be a girl..

Quote from: RhinoP on September 16, 2011, 02:13:22 PM
I believe everyone should be happy with themselves to point they don't care what others think.

When you're pretty, you don't have to put up with discrimination;

These two statements see quite at odds with each other? We shouldn't worry what others think as long as they think we are pretty....

Quote from: Angela78 on September 08, 2011, 06:51:19 AM
I had my third therapy appointment yesterday.  My therapist is great and supportive and has had other transgender clients.  The first two sessions were mostly about my crossdressing and addiction issues, but during the last session I told her that I don't think dressing is just a fetish, but that it is much deeper than that.  We talked a little about transitioning, HRT, etc, and she encouraged me to dress as much as I'm comfortable with to see how I feel.

So all of this seems right and good, but it's REALLY hard to get my head around this concept.  I've ALWAYS had these thoughts as far back as I can remember, but a big part of me wants to just write it off as a crossdressing thing and keep it under wraps.  Transition freaks me out.  But the thought of living as a woman is euphoric and feels like a huge expanse of goodness has opened in my mind.

I don't want to push myself beyond what is right for me, but what helped you overcome your fears at the beginning?

One more piece of information: I do have uncontrolled high blood pressure and want to ask my therapist to support going on spironolactone.  Is it a really bad idea to request an anti-androgen at this point?

If you have any doubts if your cross dressing is a fetish, getting on spiro for a month will answer that one. If you freak out when your junk stops working right, that's a clue. Not that it's "wrong" if you don't like the effects but it will probably answer some questions for ya. If you fell better and happier, then I bet your therapist would agree there IS more to this.