For those who don't know, I've been disowned by my entire family.  I'm not asking for sympathy.  I'm just stating it as a fact.  It is what happens sometimes with some of us.  It was a sacrifice I was willing to make to be who I am.

Last night I was watching Game of Thrones.  I assume most people have heard about it.  I'm reading the first Song of Ice and Fire book and I just started watching the series.  Last night I was watching the third episode called "Lord Snow."  Yeah I'm a bit behind.  That's what happens when you don't have cable.

Any rate in the show there is a young girl named Arya, age 8, who doesn't want to be 'a lady.'  She means proper Lady with perfect etiquette and sewing and that.  However it still rang a bell with me.  Her step brother appreciated this in her and gave her a sword.  She smuggled it away on a trip with her father.  He discovers her with it and tells her it's to dangerous for a girl to have a sword.  She doesn't want to give it back and in the end her father lets her keep it. 

Then he goes further then that.  He actually gives her the opportunity to train with a fighting master.  Who repeatedly calls her 'boy' while he instructs her on fighting.  Arya insists that she's a girl (which I did too at that age) but he tells her it doesn't matter.  She's a sword, a fighter, that is her path.  The camera pulls back and we see her father watching her learn how to fight.  His expression shows a mixture of pride and fear for her safety. 

But the point is, instead of making her how the world wanted her to be, he gave her the opportunity to be who she really was.  He barely questioned, he just accepted her.  After the show was over I cried for hours.  And I'm crying now.   I thought I was over my family's complete disregard for me.  I guess I was wrong.  Really, really wrong.  That truly does suck.   

That does suck and it is wrong--of them.  But, unless I missed something, you aren't entirely without family, hey?  It sounds like your partner and kids are with you, so while it is a smaller family than you should have and deserve, you still do have family. 

I don't know if it's humanly possible to ever 'get over' that kind of rejection from the first family one has ever known--at least, I don't think I would be able to.  Slow acceptance of the fact, maybe, but never 'over it.'

It's true, you are right.  I do have my partner and kids.  I just so need and want a father that is proud of me.  I've tried everything, reason, common sense articles, letters from me, time ... but none of it works. 

They are just so determined to blind and hateful to everything that is outside their sphere of experience.  I can't believe I use to go along with them in their fear.  The best thing that came out of losing them is gaining my own mind.  Before whenever I had a doubt about their beliefs I would suppress it.  Assuming they knew better than I did about everything. 

Now I know they know nothing and at all and that is comforting.  However I still wish there was a way to make them see.  You know

Is there no possibility that they will ever come around?

My therapist and others tell me that I should give up all hope.  That's it's healthier not to high expectations concerning them.  Even if high expectations translate into them treating me with the barest amount of respect.

So it doesn't look like it.  My Mother keeps up making lies about me.  The rest of my family listens to her.  She says I'm the one mistreating her because I don't allow her to see her grandchildren.  Never mind that I would allow her to see her grandchildren if she would only use the right name.  My family thinks she was the one who made all the sacrifices for me.  In fact she was extremely controlling and wanted to monitor my every move.  She took credit for everything good that happened to me and never came me credit for having a mind of my own.   She cries to her church about how it's so difficult being a martyr.  In her logic if she saw me she would be condoning what I'm doing.  Which is the same as giving me a one way ticket to hell, in her mind. 

She's truly disturbed but she has a very strong personality and people fear crossing her.   There really isn't much more I can do. 

Omg, Squirrel, that's horrible.  I'm afraid I don't have any advice, but I feel for you.
I don't know what I'd do without my family (+extended).  But I know most of them won't accept me.  I plan to basically run away in a few years so I can complete my transition without my "family" ever knowing.  I figured that they won't hate me that way.  I'm a coward like that.
I'm not really brave enough to stand up to them and be myself in their face.  I hide everything for fear of them finding out.  The few, less homophobic, family members who I did tell didn't have the reaction that I expected.  Instead, they just tell me to hide it and not tell anyone that I'm trans.  It's very discouraging.  and it helps make me unable to stand up for myself.

I just think, that you can't focus on where you wish you were.  Instead focus on where you've gotten.  You've gotten on T! You've got your partner who knows and accepts you.  and you had the guts to stand up to your family to achieve it all.  It's very impressive to me.  You're a very strong and brave person.
I know it hurts that your family doesn't accept you.  and having it hurt you is exactly what they are trying to make it do to you.  they are mad and want to hurt you.
You've stood up to them so much so far.  Don't let them hurt you anymore.  I know that's way easier said than done.  But not letting them hurt you is also a way of standing up to them.  And so far you've been amazing at standing up to them.

It's just plain unjust the way they treat you.  But there is a lot of injustice in the world.  and I try not to think about it too much, because it can really bring a person down.  Instead I just try to focus on the justice, which is a more positive/productive way of viewing things. 
And Idk what I'm saying.  I guess I'm saying, try not to focus on them too much.  Focus on the positive.  Be strong.  Live well. 

I would suggest trying to forget about them. forget that they even exist.

For example, my mom basically disowned me when I was 17, for reasons unrelated to being trans.  And I hate my mom.  she's dead to me.  I actually don't even feel sad that she hates me.  but that's just me.  I know other people handle things differently.  but, while I know my mom exists,  a year can easily go by before I remember that she exists.

It might do you well if you could be at a point where a year can go by before you remember that too.

I also watch Game of Thrones, just caught up a couple days ago. Just wait to the last episode. Arya certainly won't be lady like in season 2.

My parents are also unaccepting and watching that I wished I had a similar parent. My mom would go as far to driving by the school to see if I was playing with boys or girls when I was a kid. If she saw me playing with boys as soon as I got home she would be freaking out. I always dreaded parent day. I don't think this sort of thing is something you will ever fully get over.

Sometimes our family of origin just brings us into the world.
Our family of choice helps us get through it.

I have learned that nothing can bring me down quite like the "need" for approval.
It is like a poison and a prison all at once. It makes me feel small. It makes me look small.
Some of our old baggage might tell us we need this. But, for what?
What I really need is to not need approval.

@JohnAlex - Thank you.  It sounds like you've been through a lot.  I'm sure you are stronger than you give yourself credit for.  You will get to the point where you are ready to stand up to your family.  When you do, know that you are the only one who has a right to dictate the person you are.  You do not exist to make other people comfortable.  You exist to find meaning in your own life.  Even though I lost my original family this was still the best decision I have ever made.

@Sharky - To me it seems that some parents only see their children as extensions of themselves.  They can't understand their children are completely separate from them.  Sorry you hand to deal with that.  For all her huffing and puffing, it didn't change you one bit, did it.  It only made the both of you miserable.  What a waste of a life.   

@bojangles - Yes there is an element in me that is still seeking my Mother's approval.  Even though I have never actually gotten it for the entirety of my life.  We are all born without road maps.  It's really hard to forge a path in the near dark.  So we look to others for approval to know we are going in the right direction.  A parent is meant to be there to help guide us.  Some of them it seems just want us to stay in one place forever.  I agree I want to need approval either, or to know whose approval is important and whose approval is not.     

Quote from: Squirrel698 on September 12, 2011, 06:34:21 PMMy Mother keeps up making lies about me.  The rest of my family listens to her.  She says I'm the one mistreating her because I don't allow her to see her grandchildren.  Never mind that I would allow her to see her grandchildren if she would only use the right name.  My family thinks she was the one who made all the sacrifices for me.  In fact she was extremely controlling and wanted to monitor my every move.  She took credit for everything good that happened to me and never came me credit for having a mind of my own.   She cries to her church about how it's so difficult being a martyr.  In her logic if she saw me she would be condoning what I'm doing.  Which is the same as giving me a one way ticket to hell, in her mind. 

She's truly disturbed but she has a very strong personality and people fear crossing her.   There really isn't much more I can do.

Oh, she sounds kind of like my mother. Not the specifics — I'm not out to her, and she isn't a Christian, etc — but she's also a disturbed person and lies and twists facts to turn everything into her being a huge martyr and victim that everyone is persecuting, and then people believe her. It's horrible, isn't it? I've never known how to deal with it. Nowadays I just keep my distance, but it was very difficult when I was growing up.

Holy crap. We have the same mother divided into different places.

Guys, don't be too sure everybody is believing her. They might at first, but eventually people can and do catch on.

It's hard to have parents like this. But there is nothing we can do to change them.