my... well we are engaged now. i popped the question bout three weeks ago, yay. last week my girl went to Vegas with some family, and they went to studio 54 its a night club. she called be a bit latter and told me that she danced with this guy who kinda freaked her out. he got hard while they were dancin. over the phone i hear her cousin get sick and she tells me she will call me back. while she said this she sounded kinda drunk and didn't really seem to care. when she called be back she told me that she was dancing with the guy and he got hard and she continued to dance with him. he put his hands on her waist and she put her hands over his, then she told him she was engaged and that she couldn't dance with him any more. I was pissed to say the least, she got home Friday evening and i told her to tell me again what happened. she says the same but says that he tried to kiss/or lick her neck as she pulled away. also tells me that he came up later on to see if she changed her mind and that she walked away. I asked her how long she danced with him....she replied 3 songs. i feel as if i want to scream and pull the house down on top of us. that was Friday, I told her I'm not going anywhere but I feel so betrayed. I feel like i should have ended it. it was just dancin but she also said that during those three songs she was trying to find a polite way to tell the guy that she was attached. I called her on it and told here there was no way in hell that you needed 3 songs to do that. she says I'm right and that it was becouse it felt good to be wanted. this girl has had bad self-estem for a while but I feel that she is just using it to cover up that she really just liked dancing with some guy.

Dint freak I haven't forgiven her she knows that, and she knows that I dint trust her and that its gonna be a while before i do but did I do the right thing, we've been together for the last 6 1/2 years. known each other longer. should i tap out now or should I see where this goes? I always feel odd posting all my crap but I only have family and this girl. I dint know anyone else. so I'm hopeing that maybe you can help me figure all of this out. I really love the girl I do but my mom used to use our home like a revolving door, I'm kinda old fashioned in that monogamy is kinda a big deal, I dint want to be trampled on.

I'm straight and I'm taken, but I still get hit on buy a few guys (both straight guys and gay guys) and I always find it really hard when they come onto me to tell them, "Sorry, I'm a straight male and I have a girlfriend", cause I feel like I'm hurting them or something.
I figure she had a similar feeling, so it took her a while.
If you've been dating for 6 1/2 years and this is the first time this has happened, and she didn't do anything with him (other than dancing), then I'd forgive her. Be a little more strict, make sure she understands how much it hurt, but don't let 6 1/2 years go to waste so quickly. If she's been with you that long, it would be horrible to let her go over a dance.

Wow ... possessive much?

Let the girl have her fun.  If she comes back to you, it's because she wants to be with you.  If you keep on wanting to pull down the house on her, that will eventually change.  You have to let her breathe. 

Just relax and laugh about it.  Trust me, you're not being trampled on.  If you love her, trust her 

I agee with Squirrel, it's not like she slept with him, or anything else for that matter.

It seems like that guy could've done a lot worse based on what you've said she said. It actually seems like she was taken advantage of, and there wasn't consent, or acceptance of his advances. If anything I would be trying to console her.

Although this is a much smaller thing...what if the situation was the same just more dramatic/larger scale...if she had been drinking, flirted with a guy and he sexually assaulted her would you be feeling and thinking the same? In general it's the same thing.

She didn't consent to giving him an erection, she didn't consent to being licked/kissed. He didn't want to take her answer of "no" which you can see by him approaching her a second time.

thanks for the imput guys, I think that the main reason im upset is that she realized what was going on with the guy and she kept dancin with him. she strayed a few years back. she had a friend online and the conversations turned sexual, she came clean but it was a week after the fact.

i agree with squirrel.

Quote from: Squirrel698 on September 12, 2011, 06:38:11 PM
Wow ... possessive much?

Let the girl have her fun.  If she comes back to you, it's because she wants to be with you.  If you keep on wanting to pull down the house on her, that will eventually change.  You have to let her breathe. 

Just relax and laugh about it.  Trust me, you're not being trampled on.  If you love her, trust her 

This.  I totally agree.
You have no reason to feel upset.  She didn't do anything wrong.  You've been together for 6 1/2 years.  That's pretty impressive.  She must want to really be with YOU. not some stranger she danced with once.
I think you're being a little too jealous. there's no need.  Have faith in her that she cares more about you.

Sounds to me like she liked that freaky stuff.

Quote from: BrandonJames on September 12, 2011, 06:46:58 PMshe strayed a few years back. she had a friend online and the conversations turned sexual, she came clean but it was a week after the fact.

We all have our definitions and expectations, but this seems pretty tame to me.

What kind of agreement do you have? Are the boundaries clear?

Is she allowed to watch a movie and say, "Gee, Brad Pitt sure looks sexy"? Or is that straying?

Are you allowed to think about another girl, sexually, just for a moment, or is that forbidden? Are you supposed to confess five seconds later?

Maybe she went a little too far by continuing to dance with this guy, and maybe not. I was in a similar situation once--had a guy pawing at me in public--and for the life of me, I had no idea what to do with him. My female upbringing kicked in, and I put up with it for far too long. I kept wondering what I had done to make him think that he could do that to me without asking. I hadn't done anything. He was just an ->-bleeped-<-.

Girls are raised to be "nice." This sort of training might not always take full effect on FTMs, but it can be pretty damned insidious.

The product of rape culture...

I wouldn't like it if my girlfriend did that, but she was in Vegas! I was expecting you to say she got a gigolo or something. Did you know that she was going to a club? What did you expect she would do there? You guys have been together for so long already. Breaking up would be really over reacting. Hell if i was in a relationship that long I would expect that we could get over one of us full on cheating. I don't see how chatting with someone online is cheating any more than watching porn is.

I understand where you're coming from, actually. My girlfriend of three years broke up with me for some guy she had just met for a little while about a week after our anniversary. She didn't do anything More than even chat with him over facebook, but it was more about how much she knew it would hurt me but did it anyways.

We stayed together, and I think throwing away that six years would be crazy.

Trust wasn't what it used to be for a while, but it's nearly six months later and things are nearly back to normal.

It would obviously hurt to be betrayed like that (even in such a small way) in any relationship, but the fact that I'm trans added that extra little blow to it. Honestly, the biggest reason it hurt m was the fact that she did it, knowing exactly what it would do.

I might have no idea what I'm talking about cause I'm young, but I would just try and talk to her but give her another chance. Six years is a long time for things to work themselves out without having a reason that they did.

Quote from: Arch on September 12, 2011, 08:09:25 PM
We all have our definitions and expectations, but this seems pretty tame to me.

What kind of agreement do you have? Are the boundaries clear?

I can see why you're mad I would be too, mostly because it involved a cismale hahah. But ultimately I don't know why she would tell you she did that if it didn't progress to anything but dancing.

I know that if I danced with a girl, even a girl whose a friend, my girlfriend would only be mad if I told her, because then the idea and image would be in her head even though she would know it didn't mean anything. And I wouldn't be mad if she danced with a guy but I wouldn't want to know about it either. Doesn't make much sense but we've at least talked about it. So I agree that you should talk about your boundaries.

And now for something completely different....

It sucks that your girlfriend got herself into a bad situation. But I'll echo everyone else and say that she didn't kiss him, didn't sleep with him, and she came home to YOU. However, it's this sentence that strikes me:

Quote from: BrandonJames on September 12, 2011, 06:04:01 PM
she says I'm right and that it was becouse it felt good to be wanted.

This is called a cry for help. She wasn't dancing with the guy because she doesn't love you, but maybe because there are things she's not getting from you anymore that she misses. If she's seeking attention from other guys, however innocuously, she's missing that attention from you. Figure out what you're not doing, and do it. You've been together for six years. She hasn't strayed (and I'm sorry to be blunt, but it's f'in stupid to call a significant other chatting with someone online about sex cheating). She loves you, I assume, or she wouldn't be with you. So maybe, in this scenario, you're the problem. Try to go easy on her, and find out what you can do to make her more secure in the relationship.

Just my two cents'.

Can I add a few dimes worth. Funny as it may sound it makes a girl feel good to know she is turning on guys. OK we have to be careful, but why go to a club dressed in great gear and dance with guys if you don't want attention.  Wanting attention as a woman is totally different that for guys. It is a nice feeling, it doesn't mean you are rejecting you boyfriend. And she told you about it, she wanted to share.  The reason to wear a bikini at the beach is to get a sun tan. Sure. But I also like to see guys with tents in their pants walking past. Doesn't mean anything beyond feeling good.

Brandon, and all you guys. Try to be a bit more romantic.   When was the last time you bought your girl some flowers for no reason except to say you love her? When was the last time you told her she looked hot in an outfit, without having sex, just because she looked nice and had made an effort. When was the last time you ordered in pizza and made it a candlelight dinner?

Woman like to be loved and get pretty peed if their guy starts to forget. Particularly when they are young.

Hugs and I hope I have not offended.

Cindy

She sounds really reasonable to me, I'm surprised she isn't taking the defensive. It sounds like she really wants to be with you, and if you're trying to have a good time at a club, couple of songs you like come on and first of all it's loud, and difficult to communicate, and secondly you're wrapped up in dancing/ enjoying the atmosphere. It's a bit awkward!

How you feel is how you feel and you can't help that but even explaining the situation from your perspective as you have seems like you need to be a bit more appreciative that you have someone who a. loves you enough to confront you about something like that and b. is faithful. I don't know many girls who would be considerate enough to think of telling their guy if they had an encounter like that, because it seems pretty normal. She clearly knows that kind of thing wouldn't sit right with you and was good enough to tell you!

Your engaged and have known each other for 6+ years, finishing it over something so small would seem a bit drastic, unless she has a history of cheating on you (as in sex with other people etc) which warrants your mistrust, in which case, I could see where you're coming from.

Sorry if I sound opinionated.

thanks for the points of veiw. we have done a bit of talking and we are working it out. We both are very posesive over each other, she once threw up all her walls when a girl i used to go to high school with came up and hugged me, when it comes to boundries we have been up and down and every which way with them. there was even a time where she wanted a open relationship and that lasted all of one month and she only went out on one date. we are still trying to set up the right boundries but we are getting there. no worrries about pointing people out in movies tho, hell every time taylor lautner does something im told about it. over the weekend we went to dinner, movies, book stores and just spent time together, shes working a bit more then usual so its kinda been stressed latley. slowly pullin the peices back together, I guess I just needed to have someone slap me on the back of the head to pull me out of my crap. she really is a great girl and i do love her. thanks for all the posts guys

I understand your frustration, I think it is for every couple to set their own boundaries. I have had great and also terrible times in my relationships, and I will say if there is anything I have learned it is to just say what I feel. I mean, sure at times it seems pretty reasonable to say something is just clean fun, it isn't sex after all, but if it makes me feel bad or insecure, I shouldn't keep that to myself. I would think that my definitions of relationships would make other people call me possessive, and to be honest, I think I am fine with that, after all I follow the 'rules' too.

I hope everything works out good for you, chances are that after 6+ years she won't be throwing in the towel, over some random guy, but it could possibly be indicative of a problem somewhere in the relationship. Problems can almost always be fixed, given that both parties have motivation though, and that is a good thing.

One area that does concern me, is that you say at one point she wanted an open relationship, but you said that you are rather attached to monogamy; this seems a bit of a mismatch of ideals, did you ever talk things out and come to a clear agreement on where things will stand for you to be happy with things?

 

Quote from: Squirrel698 on September 12, 2011, 06:38:11 PM
Wow ... possessive much?

Let the girl have her fun.  If she comes back to you, it's because she wants to be with you.  If you keep on wanting to pull down the house on her, that will eventually change.  You have to let her breathe. 

Just relax and laugh about it.  Trust me, you're not being trampled on.  If you love her, trust her