Hi I hope I don't offend anybody with this post. I just stumbled across this forum and I thought I would get some advice. I was born a male but for as long as I can remember I've felt like I should have been a girl. It is like a need. I have tried to just crossdressing on occasion or just being a feminine male among other things. None of that worked for me though. Nothing I've tried has satisfied that need I have. The only thing left that I know of is transitioning. However the thought of transitioning scares me. I just want to be a normal guy. I just want to like being the guy I was born as. I have tried for years doing different things to try and enjoy being male. Nothing so far has worked. I am at a breaking point in my life because of this. My academic career is in shambles and I can't seem to be able to keep motivated at jobs. This issue has caused me so much hurt and pain, but now it is actually stopping me from functioning in society. Meanwhile this need keeps growing and getting worse everyday. I feel shame and embarrassment for being transgender. Somedays I feel like my only option is to transition. This makes my shame and embarrassment unbearable. However I can't ever bring myself to do it. One reason is that I have been male my entire life and the thought of trying to unlearn all of that while learning this whole new set of rules makes my brain hurt. A different and probably bigger reason is the fact that I am my parents only son. I feel like if I came out to them about this it would kill them, especially my father. So please is there any way that I can make these feelings go away? Anyway to stop being transgender?

You're asking some really hard questions, but familiar ones. I think for many that have felt trans for a very long time the feeling is similar to what you describe. It certainly was for me.

I was 33 years old when I finally came to terms with the fact that everything I had tried for decades wasn't making this go away. I went and saw a therapist. She really helped me a lot. She didn't encourage me to transition, she didn't discourage me from transitioning - she was just there to help me work through my thoughts and fears and to allow myself to look at who I am authentically and honestly - to not tell myself lies any more.

Transition is a scary thing, but it's also a beautiful thing. It is right and good to fear it, because that shows that you understand that it's a major process to go through. But also I don't know of any way to make the feelings go away - except for one way. In my case the pain of continuing to live my life in a way that didn't feel authentic for me was more painful than the fear and pain of transition - so I eventually accepted my path. I can say without a doubt that transition does indeed resolve my gender incongruence. Living as a woman feels completely normal now. (I went full time 5 months ago). It isn't easy, and in a way you do just trade one set of problems for another - but in this case you get to choose which set of problems you want to deal with. Or, maybe it's not much a choice after all - I wonder about that for myself.

Nobody can tell you to transition, if anyone does you should find a new friend. Only you know the answers to the questions you ask. This forum is full of people who wrestled with the very issues you are bringing up. I know it was the case for me. Just look at some of my old posts and you can see that I was dealing with quite a few of my own questions, fears, demons publicly on here.

No matter what, don't lie to yourself any more. If you can please find a qualified gender therapist to talk to, or stay engaged around here and talk to other people. You can learn a lot by reading and interacting here. I wish you peace on your journey, even if that means that you realize that transition is not for you.

I tried a wife, kid, religion, warehouse career, denial, alcohol, therapy, prescription drugs... What can I say? I'm a fighter.

There's this thing loosely called a clinical threshold, and when you hit it you will seek out a way to address your gender issues in a constructive manner. Being transsexual, that means transition. However, you could find a happy place somewhere inbetween the genders. Only way to find out is to explore the possibility.

   I'm sorry confused21 but if you're a transexual then this won't go away, as you get older it gets worse. When i first started seeing my gender therapist years ago that was the first thing i asked her "is there a pill i can take to make me feel male?" and the short answer is no - if there was then this site prolly wouldn't exist lol. The best thing for you to do is start seeing a therapist that specialises with gender issues.

 Hey there Confused. I'm new to this forum as well , but I'm over two years full time. I'm 32 now. Madelyn sums it up great for me: "the pain of continuing to live my life in a way that didn't feel authentic for me was more painful than the fear and pain of transition".

Unfortunately, there is only one known treatment, and you already know what it is. Believe me, when I was 21, I was just like you. The idea of even coming out, let alone transition, was terrifying. I spent much time trying to "fix" myself. I too wanted to just be happy as a boy. Like Emma, I did the warehouse worker thing and tried to force myself to be a man. I used to tell myself "You're strong, of mind and body, so just make it happen, cap'n!", but as you are seeing, it is not easy. In fact it's emotionally and mentally draining.

Many are going to tell you to slow it down, and while I think you should be cautious, I also know how much I wish I had come to terms sooner, like at 21. So I would say to not waste any more time and energy on fighting it, it leads to a dark place, and to try to come to terms with who you really are.

I wish I could tell you how to come to terms, but I feel like it differs for everyone. For me, I realized my neice was turning 13. So what, right? Well, you see, I remember her being born, and I remember feeling mostly the same for those 13 years (wanting to be a girl, crossdressing, etc) and I just had had it. Enough was enough, and I was going to be damned if I was going to go another 13 years like that. It took seeing that I had not even made a dent in the feeling for 13 years, in fact the urge,need was stronger than ever.

I know you may not want to hear these things, but it just isn't going to go away. Just look to those of us who have taken the first big steps, and see if we aren't universally happy with our choice to transition.

Quote from: confused21 on September 11, 2011, 10:38:26 PMI don't want to be transgender

Most people don't, if self-report data is to be believed.

Quote from: confused21 on September 11, 2011, 10:38:26 PM
I feel shame and embarrassment for being transgender.

This is what you need to work on, more than anything else.

You need to first get to a point of self acceptance. There is NOTHING wrong with being transgendered.... and actually, it is very beautiful!

Now and then I have feelings that it is negative. But, then I look in the mirror and ask myself what is negative.... and I can't find anything. I am just a little prettier than before, a bit softer, smell better.... how are these things bad?

Once you accept yourself and start transition... you will feel SOOO Happy. Not needing to feel like you need to fit yourself into a mold you aren't comfortable with will really be a great uplift.

I didn't feel super confined by my "male self", but I still had an amazing effect by starting hormones and moving towards things I wanted. Really, "being transgender" so far has been the best thing I have done, I am really happy about it all and wouldn't want to be anything else

Basically you don't want to be transgender, you don't want to deal with how society might see you or how you would have to deal with family, friends, and co workers.  You don't want to look like someone strange or an oddball.  You just want a normal life.

There isn't any way to stop the feeling other than to start doing things that alleviate your dysphoria.
Some people might not want to have blonde hair or blue eyes,  to be gay or straight, or be more compasionate, or strong etc but that is who you are transgender.  You may want to be just another regular guy but no pill would change how you feel about who you are inside and make you love being a male.

To make your life a little better.  You could start by wearing womens undergarments (panties), socks.  You could grow out your finger nails longer, shave your body.  Wear womens wide neck shirts, look maybe a little androgynous.  That's a start.  Work on trying your luck at makeup.  Most importantly in your case since you have felt this way for so very very long is to go see a Gender Therapist.  Not a regular therapist but a gender therapist.  They won't make you take hormones or anything that you don't want to do.  You tell them how you feel, tell them about your life, why you think you are transgender and they work on a strategy to make your life better and manageable and yes that might include hormones and that might include in the future transition.  But you would work on other stuff before that like going out in public with foundation on, going for laser treatments and electrolysis.

Felecia

I dont like being transgender either, but I accepted that it is another aspect to who I am. I mean who wants to be stuck on medication for the rest of their lives, right?
I tried to ignore that feeling, but I couldn't do it. I dont know anyone that has.  I didn't go to the extremes that some have, like drugs and/or alcohol. I wasted my teens sitting in my room, building model kits just trying to ignore that feeling. And it simply did not work. With self acceptance, the real trials began. I'm pretty sure that transitioning will destroy my marriage. And I resigned myself to that possibility.
After 6 months, on HRT, that feeling is just a fading whisper. I may not be the perfect woman. or pretty. But I am me. And that's a peace that I've never had. So, unfortunately, transitioning was the right thing for me to do. I wished I had listened to that feeling long ago and spared a lot of people, including myself, a lot of heartache.

Anyway, get yourself a councilor. That will be your start point. where you go from there, is in your hands.

Not wanting society to look at you strange, for people to misunderstand you, for there to be possible conflict with family and friends.... all these things are the fears that come from OTHER people. Being transgendered doesn't make these things happen, being around stupid or bigotted people does.

It is like that twilight zone episode, where the beautiful girl is having surgery to make her less of a "freak"... because she lives in a society of pig-people.

Being beautiful or being yourself aren't things you should let a closed minded society poison you to!

There is nothing bad about being trans (other than needing to take a pill, kinda annoying, but no biggy). All the other crap we deal with is because of OTHERS forcing their idea of what is "right" onto us.

I find this an incredibly beutiful thread, not because of the stress from being TG, but the happyness from acceptace.
For myself I dont remember a time when I did not  crossdress. I also, my entire life dreamed of turning in to a woman, but stupidly I lied to myself, didnt understand myself, and was never true to myself.
Because of this, I was always ashamed of dressing... Wanting to, but so scared to.
In the past year, Iv come to terms with who I am. I am Transgender. Once I stopped the lies to myself, everthing was so much more simple. The shame slowly faded and now I feel only excitement of each new change tward being a woman.
Personally, what I have done until the time comes that I can pass are a few things.
1. No one sees whats under your clothes, so thats eaisily fixed.
2. Theres minimal outward apearance between womens pants and males. Womens are so much more comfortable though! So thats fixed now.
3. I make sure to keep my toes painted at all times, I hate being unpainted anymore. Drives my right up the walls.
4. shave. again its under your clothes. Cant see it anyway.

The main thing that will help you feel better is acceptance, plain and simple. Thats the biggest step. Well, not the biggest, but a bit step none the less.
Remember also that tere is a wide range of being transgender.
You can go all the way and get SRS, or live part time in a much more andyngenous body.

There is an upside though. You get to re-invent yourself, so to speak. And see how life is for the other sex.

In all honesty, I love being a woman a heck of a lot more than I was as a guy. I wasn't very good at being a guy in the first place and my peers could sense it. It was like sharks smelling an injured fish 5 miles away. I just wish I had been born a normal genetic girl to begin with and not have to face The crap other people give me for  trying to correct a medical condition I've had since before I was born. That and all the childhood experiences I missed out on that are common for girls that I'll never get the chance to experience.  Oh well. Just make the best of it and live life to the fullest.

I would suggest starting with blocking male hormones running thru your body. If you can get a prescription for spiranolactone it will block the testosterone in your body from affecting you mentally. It will give you some free thinking time to figure out just what you want. It will not change you but it will allow you to not be seeking any sexual satisfaction. If you then still want to transition then you will know it on a clear mind, not one hyped up on T.

I wish you well and either way there is a way.

I love how you say things with clear and calm wording Keaira.

"It was like sharks smelling an injured fish 5 miles away."

That is so, so true, Keira. Great analogy.

The feelings don't go away.  You can attempt to avoid things you know trigger them, but the nature of the problem makes that unrealistic.  Just looking in the mirror or seeing a woman can set me off, hating my features and envying theirs.

Anyway... it can be difficult, but there is no reason to feel ashamed of this.  All I can say is, try to avoid wasting your life living in pain trying to appease others.  It would be a good idea to at least see someone about these feelings to work out the best path for you.

Quote from: confused21 on September 11, 2011, 10:38:26 PM
Hi I hope I don't offend anybody with this post. I just stumbled across this forum and I thought I would get some advice. I was born a male but for as long as I can remember I've felt like I should have been a girl. It is like a need. I have tried to just crossdressing on occasion or just being a feminine male among other things. None of that worked for me though. Nothing I've tried has satisfied that need I have. The only thing left that I know of is transitioning. However the thought of transitioning scares me. I just want to be a normal guy. I just want to like being the guy I was born as. I have tried for years doing different things to try and enjoy being male. Nothing so far has worked. I am at a breaking point in my life because of this. My academic career is in shambles and I can't seem to be able to keep motivated at jobs. This issue has caused me so much hurt and pain, but now it is actually stopping me from functioning in society. Meanwhile this need keeps growing and getting worse everyday. I feel shame and embarrassment for being transgender. Somedays I feel like my only option is to transition. This makes my shame and embarrassment unbearable. However I can't ever bring myself to do it. One reason is that I have been male my entire life and the thought of trying to unlearn all of that while learning this whole new set of rules makes my brain hurt. A different and probably bigger reason is the fact that I am my parents only son. I feel like if I came out to them about this it would kill them, especially my father. So please is there any way that I can make these feelings go away? Anyway to stop being transgender?

That was me before i transitioned, almost word for word.  Why cant i be a normal guy... i said that to myself so many times, i too couldn't stand it anymore, i had it since i was 5, i thought it was a phase i thought it would go away.  If you have GID it will never go away unless you do something about it unfortunately.  I transitioned at 31 with all the same worries and questions you had, i was afraid, its really a scarey thing, and it causes a lot of problems rather then fixes them for a time. 

Before my transition i was a lot like you almost exactly really the way you wrote it.

I am 35 now and i have completed my transition and i can tell you all those worries i had before are gone, my GID is gone, and i am living a normal, healthy, happy life as a woman.  The only regret i have is that i didn't do it sooner. 

I am not telling you to transition, what you should first do is see a therapist first and work through your issues and make sure that is your only option.  Because i have to say transitioning sucks especially the surgeries, however, if you have GID, after, you feel really great when its over and the world finally makes sense when it didn't in the past, its a refreshing feeling, i hope you can experience that kind of peace someday.

Quote from: Bird on September 12, 2011, 10:45:47 AM
I love how you say things with clear and calm wording Keaira.

Thank you ^_^
Vocally, I'm a really terrible communicator. I think my mind works faster than my mouth. But writing my thoughts seem to make what I want to say so much clearer.

Quote from: mimpi on September 12, 2011, 11:43:15 AM
"It was like sharks smelling an injured fish 5 miles away."

That is so, so true, Keira. Great analogy.

It really is like that. Especially among children. Since there was little to no information that I even knew of about transsexualism  and GID, other kids thought I was gay. I knew I wasn't. And I was at a total loss as to why people thought that. But whatever these kids saw, it led to many fights in school and in my neighborhood. Unfortunately, My Dad was in the Army, so by the time the bullies thought I wasn't much sport anymore, I'd end up moving and it would start all over.

Anyway, back on topic.

Should you decide that transition is the right path for you, and just to be clear, it is not the only path, then your in for a pretty tough ride. you will be tested over and over again. People will try to make you feel worthless. Push their religion onto you, Tell you how you feel is irrelevant because it affects their comfort zone. You need to start a support network. When someone tells you that your just a guy in a dress, that can really knock your self worth and confidence down quite a bit. Everyone on this forum who  fits into the trans spectrum has been tested. But if you have friends, family, councilor, co-workers, or people online supporting you and cheering you on, you can make it. And you just might find that there are more people in your corner than you realize.

Here's my example:




I thought, when I went full time, I would be hated by almost every woman in my area. Especially when they learned I was going to be using the women's restrooms. I heard rumors of lawsuits, stories of people voicing their anger. And it really knocked the wind out of my sails. I cried for an hour and a half in a break area at work with my friend Doshia trying to comfort me. And by the next day I was feeling pretty down. But, I was surprise the day after when I was given this card while I was busy changing a mold. And after reading it, I cried again because I was so happy. I've not looked back since ^_^

Wow thanks for all of the replies! Here is a little more of my story if anybody is interested. I have felt like a girl for as long as I can remember. It is like a need. I remember when I was young i always liked girls toys. I used to get barbies on my birthday. One time my sister and I spent the whole day trying on each other's clothes. I remember lying in bed at praying that god would turn me into a girl. I got to the point to where I would even sleep naked to make it easier on him (as if pajamas are going to be able to stop God from changing me into a girl lol) but everyday I would wake up as me again. I remember being at the mall around this time and I saw this Y2K countdown clock shirt I wanted. I begged my mom to buy it for me but she said I couldn't have it cause it was a girl's shirt. She found the guy version and I remember crying and throwing a fit cause I wanted the girl one. I then tried to get her to buy the hat version instead but it turns out that was the girl version too. i end up with the boy shirt. I remember one day I was flipping through the channels on tv and I ran across this program about transgender people. It fascinated me. I had no idea that there were others out there like me who wanted to switch genders. I was astonished to learn that it was actually medically possible to change someones gender. I knew that I needed to change the channel before my mom came in but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Well eventually my mother walked in and ask what I was watching. I told her. She then gave me this funny look and asked me if I felt like them. She asked me if I wanted to be a girl. Me being embarrassed defensively said no and came up with some excuse about how I just ran across it looking for cartoons. She continued to give me a strange look and told me that she would be okay if I ended up being gay but please don't ever come to her and tell her that I wanted to be a girl.(I still don't get how being gay is better than being transgender) But after she said that I was crushed. I felt like from then on I couldn't ever come to my parents with my problems, something that still plagues me today. After that I just tried to focus on being happy being me. Once i reached high school I made sure to keep myself busy by being so involved in things that I didn't have time to worry about my "problem". From school, to sports, to a job, to being heavily involved at my youth group at my church I made sure to stay as busy as I possibly could. It worked great until I had free time to myself.  I coupled that with trying to do more "manly" things. Everything I tried fell flat. It all felt wrong somehow. I couldn't understand it. I begin to find out everyone I meet thinks I'm gay until a while after they meet me. When asked why they respond with I just seemed different then any other guy they've met. I am gentler and not as aggressive. I don't talk like other guys, using curse words and such. The biggest thing they say is it is the way I treat women. I actually treat them respect and I don't run around treating them like sex objects. they say that it seems like I would rather be friends with them instead of have sex with them. This confuses me and also saddens me to think that is what guys are "supposed" to act like.  In my senior year I finally got my first girlfriend. It was a horrible disaster. That whole situation felt wrong somehow. I just couldn't be the man I needed to be in the relationship. Our "relationship" was basically us saying we were boyfriend and girlfriend, but never actually doing anything that couples do. She eventually breaks up with me after graduation. Once I went to college I wasn't able to keep busy enough and my transgender feelings were able to charge straight back to the front of my mind. Things then snowballed to where I am now.

On one hand I feel like I should go ahead and transition. On the other I keep hoping that these feelings will go away and I can have a normal life.
This may seem terrible but the thought of transitioning to a woman scares me. Being a woman just seems overly complicated. There seems to be so many rules and steps involved in doing the simplest things. The thought of trying to learn all of that terrifies me.

Anyway if you managed to make it through the long wall of text, thank you. Sorry it was so long and thanks for reading!

Well it does sound like you need to see a therapist. I would do that at college if you can find one who is open minded. You also might explain to your mom how you covered up back when you were watching that TV show. She might have just over reacted since you said you weren't feeling like them. hugs