Hello, and thank you to anyone who's reading this, your posts have helped me in many ways since I joined.
I've lived in a small Ohio town nearly my whole life. Childhood was always difficult for me; I have Asperger's Syndrome, so friends weren't my specialty. By middle school, I already felt outcast enough to do whatever it takes to fit in. Even after attempting to suppress my natural self, I was still feminine enough that throughout middle and high school I was believed to be and was treated as a gay man. Even so, I managed a few relationships; these girls were at least convinced I wasn't gay. However, they were all straight females. Nothing worked out; I would either feel the need to leave them after realizing I couldn't be my true self around them, or I would attempt it and be left behind as a result. I had always felt a dissociation with the idea of being a "real man", the person everyone expected, but I tried at it anyway thinking it was the only way to have any relationship or friendship that was worth something.
During my later high school years, after I discovered I couldn't conform and be happy, I became the closest I thought was possible to what I felt inside. I didn't like labeling it, but most would've called me "emo". I wore tight, dark clothes and grew my hair. I found a group of friends that wouldn't judge me for not being masculine enough. Even so, something still felt wrong. I had always wanted to go further than living as an effeminate man, but I was afraid of those thoughts. Like a black hole, the further I opened myself to them, the stronger the pull was. Living in a small town and not watching much TV (at least shows that were about real life), I didn't have any understanding of what a transsexual was. I was too afraid of my mother's reactions to bring up therapy with her. I (and everyone I knew) had always thought people who felt like I did were only crossdressers, doing it for a show or for sexual purposes. Though I know this is very wrong now, at the time I was willing to do anything to keep the friends and family I had, even if it meant holding back those urges.
That resolve didn't last long. I had tried on things like heels at parties for laughs, but I never told anyone how the experience really made me feel. My first experience truly crossdressing was when I was with a few friends at a graduation party. After a few drinks, I had finally confided my urges in them (whether I meant to or not). Shortly after, the one I was closest to took me to her room and dressed me in a stuffed bra, t-shirt, a skirt and leggings. I looked in the mirror and cried. I looked like the goth version of how I always secretly pictured myself. She hugged me and took me downstairs. At first everyone shared a laugh, but stopped as soon as they realized how comfortable I was in these clothes and how much more sociable I was being. I spent the rest of the night like that, and the fun went on; needless to say, it was the best night of my life.
My urge to embrace myself was stronger than ever. After researching true ->-bleeped-<-, publicly dressing out of town a few times and being called "ma'am", I felt living full time was the only way I could be happy. Within a month I came out to my friends and my mom, built a (somewhat sorry excuse for) a wardrobe, and began urging everyone to use the pronouns I'd always craved. Passing became my second priority, the first being the will to look and feel the way I want without buckling under society's expectations of me or letting them make me think I'm doing something wrong. Since the switch, I've talked to my mom about therapy, and how serious I was about this. A few days ago she scheduled my first therapy session with a GID therapist, and I hope to start HRT soon. I plan on changing my first name to Amy (short for Amaranth).
I must say, after reading all the possible outcomes of a path like mine, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I haven't, as of yet, lost any family or friends. While it's hard for everyone to get used to, everything has happened relatively smoothly, and at times I feel like I don't deserve the level of support I receive. So far, the decision (and I use that term very lightly) to be myself has been one of my best. I don't even remember how to live as anything but what I am now, and I wouldn't go back for anything.
