I dont post on here all that often, But ever since I've started my journey, I have had this situation in my mind.

A lot of the girls here say that they go through with HRT and possible SRS depending on situation because they feel they were born in a males body with a female mind. Weather it's Psychological or Something hard coded in there. They do it because they truly feel female on the inside. Therefor this brings me to my situation.

I dont feel female on the inside. So why am I doing this? Well...I don't feel male on the inside. That's the situation bluntly. More specifically. If you have Two opposites put together, The neutralize each other. I feel that I am both male And female on the inside. Like I have the perspective of both sides, male and female. So in my actual thoughts when in a general situation I neutralize it and I am neither, But Also both. I feel that I like the female figure. I find myself (Not meaning to be big headed) attractive. In both a manly way and a feminine way. Though I do not like the way I am seen to the public eye. I like having my male genitalia. I like Women. But I like The female breasts and Body form. As well as the glamour a female can have with makeup, Clothing and such. I like things advanced and very optional. As a woman I will have these options and choices. As I guy My mind is a one way track. Bad@$$ Mysterious Dark Guy. Any other form of a guy doesn't appeal to me. Just like "The Golden Rule". Treat people the way you want to be treated. Appeal to people the way you want to be appealed to. Im all about equality and this dis balance of looking like a guy and Acting like one but not being able to act differently due to my mind set doesnt satisfy me. As a female I would be able to be Dark and mysterious, But also be able to be very happy, outgoing, and loving. Something I dont have the option as a guy due to my mindset which is my choice. As a Female I feel that I would have more equality like Ive been wanting.

So I ask you girls, Is this a valid reason as to why I should go through with HRT? Or could this be a big mistake in the long run? I already know what I think. But I would really value some of yours for the sake of thinking out what Im doing with myself. Thanks in advance! 

~Tao Phoenix

I'm no expert on these issues, but it seems that if you don't want to ALWAYS be your female persona, HRT is a bad idea.  After it's over, you'll never get your male side back unless you detransition completely, then there's chemical castration and erectile dysfunction you'd have to deal with.  If you want to express both sides, there are ways to do that:  breast forms, body shapers, wigs, etc...but all of those are temporary and you can go back into boy mode when you want/need to.  There's also, of course, the possibility of living completely androgynously and expressing both sides at will, but you seem to describe being attracted to a different option.

I agree with Amaranth. Seems to me as if you are quite androgynous, being that you feel that you don't want to be restricted to one gender. HRT isn't something that you should take lightly, it is very powerful (part of the reason why I haven't started yet). There's nothing wrong with not conforming to one gender, because (although society may pressure you) if it makes you happy, then it's right.

I hope I've helped you a little bit!

Love,
Karlee.x

Some people are indeed "androgynous" as their gender definition, and this is quite all right. Though as those who feel as such and wish to go through with some kind of transition appear to be rarer. I would advise that you consult a therapist to make sure it IS the right thing for you, but yeah, as long as you're not really comfortable with yourself and feel you will feel better after HRT, maybe it is appropriate.

But since your situation is less obvious, I would like to put some emphasis on the importance of discussing this well with a therapist. Transition when it's not right can be disastrous.

Quote from: TaoPhoenix on September 14, 2011, 03:13:58 AMI dont feel female on the inside. So why am I doing this? Well...I don't feel male on the inside. That's the situation bluntly. More specifically. If you have Two opposites put together, The neutralize each other. I feel that I am both male And female on the inside. Like I have the perspective of both sides, male and female. So in my actual thoughts when in a general situation I neutralize it and I am neither, But Also both.

I was totalyyyyyy the same way.

I liked being a guy... everything except a few issues I had with my body. Online I explored my female side, and in real life I just made myself as good a guy as I could (except dating I was very feminine in dating... and only dated guys, though I "was" bi .. not so much anymore).

When I first started hormones, I was fine with whatever happened. It was moving in a direction I thought was beautiful, and that was good. If I ended up looking female I would fit into female role... if I ended up staying looking like a guy, I would identify as a guy... I would just stay a guy (chest might be a problem, but in worse case I could always have "top surgery").

The thing is, as I have been on hormones... I seem to be losing the male side. Things like wanting SRS were "absolutely not! I don't need that!", but my feelings are slowly changing towards that... thinking it might be actually good. There are a host of other things like that, and simply how I generally feel.

I have no clue where things are going. I'm not sure if I will eventually identify completely as female or not (right now I'm in a state of "ok, so I'm not male.. I'm not female.. whatever, I am me" (instead of "Of course I am male! I just have a strong feminine side!" ) .

So, if you are going to go into hormones... be prepared for all the various outcomes (like I was).

      I was born and raised as a male.  But looking back at that life I never quite fit in with the other kids.  After going thru 50+ yrs trying to figure out wno I am.  I have discovered that when crossdressing it too neutralizes the male in me.  And the more I do the more I want the female side to shine thru.  So, yes I can understand your situation.    I am progressing towards being the woman I feel is the real me as I have never felt I was a real man.

      I did serve 20 years in the Army.  I just wish I could have as a woman.   But I am now on HRT and looking forward to many happy years as a woman.  My only distraught is having to switch back and forth between the two as I have not gone fulltime yet.  soon though.

This youtube channel may help.

http://www.youtube.com/user/->-bleeped-<-Girl15
Say some of the samethings

hi there i see your in a sad spot but !! let me help

Oki now see i am the same i am a not fully a girl inside but i know i am one now boy inside well gosh not my fault i mean in all the cruel parts of development i was punished when i tried to be me so i developed a boy side can you blame me? how sad ? no not really i mean i may never be as girli as i should be but i have learnt how do random stuff like cry when i kick ball and make up a reason that's not true

haha but seriously i love hrt i feel that male thing in me die a little more every day and that's gr8 !

but you seem well in a position that you and a gender therapist should spend a whole day to figure out hrt should continue or detransition should begin ... but let me just say how the voice inside made you transition may be lost for ever and part of you with it so good luck no rash ideas now

sounds more like a fetish to me. I would recommend against HRT in your case. Maybe just be a cross dresser, i dont know

I think you might want to talk to these lovely folks: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,57.0.html

There are androgyns (people who don't fit into binary gender) who go on HRT. It's a difficult decision though as most of the effects are permanent. I would be very, very sure and know exactly what you are getting yourself into before you go ahead.

I think androgynes sometimes will at least get on anti-androgens, like Spiro, etc. and that might be an option for you.  And yes, like Sarah said, you may want to look at their section of the forums.  It's a nice place even if you don't identify that way TBH, so nothing to lose .

I really relate to what you feel. I don't have any experience with hormones but I really understand what you mean.  I am not sure if it works this way, but is it possible to take hormones at a slower rate and stop at a point where you feel comfortable?

I don't know what I identify with and it is a little confusing.

Hope that it works out for you.

HRT will be a bad move as you seem to be what is known as a cyclo-testo guy - basically high testo which makes you love being male with a penis but the testo peaks upset your hormone balance to produce burst of estro which make you feel temporarily a bit female...this is probably the basis of so much crossdressing for sex among macho guys.
not much to be done about it but endure it until age takes off the peaks of testo...well you could go for orchiectomy but then you'd be really upset at lack of male sex drive.

The best delivery method for hormone delivery is going to be best determined for each individual by a dr who does bloodwork to determine the safest method. So aside from saying that it is best to speak to your dr about this i dont feel comfortable. You see, i dont want to encourage anyone to get black market hormones that can cause serious damage to your body that you may not be aware of if your dr is not included in this decision.

I am so so so happy all of you responded! I see some of you girls on the forum and think "Oh she seems so cool i want to meet her!" Thank you for all your responses. I Recently had an issue with my father about the situation. Threatened to kick me out. Then I reminded him that his name isn't on the house and its illegal. If anyone would get kicked out its him.

That's not much the point, but what is -

I really feel that I don't ever want to present myself on the outside as a guy. I just have a split person in my mind that is a guy. But On the outside I really want to be a girl. To me, I would not be able to go dresses like a girly looking guy and like it. But I could easily see myself dressing like a "Tomboy" on days I really didn't care about being a girl. I'm still a guy down there. But I'm also mainly girl on the outside and in my mind. I feel that I could still have guy modes every now and again. I'm okay with someone calling me a girl when I'm not really specifically dressed as one. But When I am dressing to impress as a girl, Being addressed as one would be amazing. I think that HRT would be a good thing for me. I could still show an active male side while transitioning (May not be the most manly. but I hate acting "Manly" Infact I almost never act manly anymore)and in the far future after a good year or two on HRT.

Long story short. I don't want to be neither male or female on the outside. I want to be female. But I still have male like thoughts. And I can still act similar to my male side every now and then.

Thanks again all!

I think some therapy and experimenting will make your decision even more sure. Before I decided to transition, I, like you, knew I wasn't male, but I also thought for a while I also had a "male side". Turned out the male side was simply unwanted testosterone.

Quote from: A on September 15, 2011, 06:14:45 AM
I think some therapy and experimenting will make your decision even more sure. Before I decided to transition, I, like you, knew I wasn't male, but I also thought for a while I also had a "male side". Turned out the male side was simply unwanted testosterone.

Im very prepared from something like this to happen after some therapy. If that is how I feel on the inside Im willing to accept that maybe I do have a male side but its just unwanted testosterone. Thanks! ^_^

Honestly, I say get on Anti-Androgens, specific types that prevent deformity and disease from killing your hair, skull and skin, but don't kill the testes and penis. As far as I know, that type exists, and it's what I'm after at the moment.

You can always get breast implants, and if for some weird case you end up hating them, they can indeed be removed pretty easily. Or if you take hormones, grow boobs, and then quit, you can get a breast reduction or bind. It may kill the penis though.

I mean, to be honest, it's not really the end of the world if someone makes a wrong choice; over 85% of this forum seems to have married and divorced 15 times because of bad choices, no one here should exaggerate in order to discriminate against people who have a mixed identity. There are ways, medical, aesthetic, or fake, to follow each and every identity out there, and I believe every single one of them deserves the same amount of respect concerning transitioning options. I will say though that conservativeness is key.

For instance, I've always had a personal plan to do the "non-gender conforming" things first. For example, I want a brow reduction in the style of Milla Jovovich's forhead; her forehead is a lot more female than mine, but it would look great on a male as well. Hormonally, for now, I only want anti-androgens. When I get my nasal revision, I want a very androgynous, attractive nose that fits my face harmoniously instead of fitting a specific gender (I do not want a pinched look with my heritage). I'm not going to transition to full female until I have a few more years of life under my belt, but I want to improve unisex things as we speak, as even in female form, I want to retain who I am instead of looking strange.

i'd suggest you come visit us in the androgyne section. it is humanly possible to have two genders at the same time, or none at all, so don't limit yourself too soon. if you think the male part of you is real, then it is, just like i believe your reasons to start hrt to get a feminized body are valid and truthful to yourself

i myself have no idea whether i'm androgyne or ftm in extreme denial, but seeing that i don't identify wholly with any of the binary genders at least for now i'm an androgyne. it may never change, or i could happen to start hrt and suddenly find myself completely over to the male side. though i doubt that would happen, i don't mind my female parts at all, i even think my chest looks nice, i just miss those male parts that should have been attached down there