It hit me today, right after a consoltation to get extensions put in my hair, that I can't do this or i will never get a job out here. I am forgetting about physical transition for now, and i'm going back to boy mode.
This is so drastic... but i can't yo-yo between worlds... it is way too tolling on my emotions.
Looking in the mirror right now, i just want to drag a knife down my face and into my chest, plunge it.
I'm so sick of being trans society is ->-bleeped-<-ing against me. i can't take it right now..
i'm not thinking clearly but
I have to focus on finding a job and put my transgender issues aside..  ->-bleeped-<-ing lock them up somehow deep inside me and go ->-bleeped-<-ing numb like i did for years.
I was making so much progress, that's what upsets me the most. Having to reverse my womanly spirit rips me apart.
the air suddenly feels colder, my body is filled with sorrow.
I feel so numb and dead. i want to be dead right now.

  Ugh i can relate to you, i'm having alot of financial problems right now and i don't know how i'm going to pay for my transition. I think money is why most people cant successfully transition...sad but true 

I understand that perfectly well. While I never detransitioned, I went slowly working my way to full time. I waited for a long enough time that I wouldn't have to yo-yo. It's in the same boat. I can imagine the stress that switching puts on you, it's something I couldn't handle myself either. The only advice I can give, is just to wait for the proper time, because it does present itself eventually.

If you're going to postpone transition a little longer, do yourself and the rest of the world a favor: postpone suicide too.  You're loved, you're needed, and you're wanted.  Dark clouds have an amazing way of blowing over and sunshine then returns.  Postpone hurting yourself until those clouds are gone and you can see more clearly.

"Now the darkness only stays at night time
In the morning it will fade away
Daylight is good at arriving at the right time
It's not always going to be this grey"

            -George Harrison, All Things Must Pass

Quote from: Zoë Natasha on September 16, 2011, 09:16:58 PM
If you're going to postpone transition a little longer, do yourself and the rest of the world a favor: postpone suicide too.  You're loved, you're needed, and you're wanted.  Dark clouds have an amazing way of blowing over and sunshine then returns.  Postpone hurting yourself until those clouds are gone and you can see more clearly.

"Now the darkness only stays at night time
In the morning it will fade away
Daylight is good at arriving at the right time
It's not always going to be this grey"

            -George Harrison, All Things Must Pass

Couldn't have said it better myself.

I've been there, I know what it's like. I numbed myself for years. I've been in your position, no job, no money. I suffer from severe depression myself. I've been suicidal. But I have learned this: life goes in cycles. It gets bad at times, but then it gets better. It WILL blow over.

Detransitioning is different from not going full-time. Don't think of it that way. Get a job, make some money, spend it on hormones and all of the things that you need in order to become the girl that you are.

 
I'm mostly upset tonight because i screwed up my hair by dyeing it dark, which makes me look even more like a boy, and screwing up my hair caused this avalanche of emotions and i'm just so tired.. i've been doing this for so long, and i had made so much progress. i mean i have been feeling like a woman completely and i saw a woman when i looked at myself in the mirror.. My hair played a big role in that, it looked feminine on me (i.m.o. i had it this light reddish color in the back and aqua for my bangs) and i wasn't thinking clearly when I dyed it, I was just pissed off because i'm unemployed and i know my hair had something todo with it,  and now everything has just gone to ->-bleeped-<-. I just feel no numb..
i hope this response doesn't sound ridiculous, but the hair change drastically altered my appearance. I could post a picture to show you.. but i've basically been living full time.  I only own women's clothing..  i'm just so tired of all of this. I have no energy i just feel so numb. I've been trying for so long and was so happy with the way ive been looking, and it all just blew up in my face tonight...

Thank you for the responses they help calm me down.

How long does hair dye normally last on you?  The only two times I dyed my hair black it washed out completely within 3 or 4 days, and one of those times I had it done professionally.  Maybe you'll get lucky and have the same experience?

Quote from: Zoë Natasha on September 16, 2011, 10:07:08 PM
How long does hair dye normally last on you?  The only two times I dyed my hair black it washed out completely within 3 or 4 days, and one of those times I had it done professionally.  Maybe you'll get lucky and have the same experience?

I don't know.. I have a lot of experience with my hair and dyeing it. I've made a mess.
The blue i dyed over turned this like dark sewagey green and the back i dyed is like this deep brownish red and makes my hair look much shorter and boyish on me. hell i look like a boy completely now.
I just know i can't bleach it again because it will fry.
i'm starting to think of how i can fix this and calm down.. thank you again. I'm such a roller coaster 

Quote from: Torn1990 on September 16, 2011, 10:04:46 PM

I'm mostly upset tonight because i screwed up my hair by dyeing it dark, which makes me look even more like a boy, and screwing up my hair caused this avalanche of emotions and i'm just so tired.. i've been doing this for so long, and i had made so much progress. i mean i have been feeling like a woman completely and i saw a woman when i looked at myself in the mirror.. My hair played a big role in that, it looked feminine on me (i.m.o. i had it this light reddish color in the back and aqua for my bangs) and i wasn't thinking clearly when I dyed it, I was just pissed off because i'm unemployed and i know my hair had something todo with it,  and now everything has just gone to ->-bleeped-<-. I just feel no numb..
i hope this response doesn't sound ridiculous, but the hair change drastically altered my appearance. I could post a picture to show you.. but i've basically been living full time.  I only own women's clothing..  i'm just so tired of all of this. I have no energy i just feel so numb. I've been trying for so long and was so happy with the way ive been looking, and it all just blew up in my face tonight...

Thank you for the responses they help calm me down.

My wardrobe is 99% female too and I'm not full time. I just put on a pair of jeans (women's), a t shirt, and sneakers when I go out.

Quote from: Torn1990 on September 16, 2011, 10:09:09 PM
I have a lot of experience with my hair and dyeing it. I've made a mess.

Have you ever used a product called Color Oops?
It IS  bleach(which I know you wanna stay away from), but a really good one.
I've had my scene kid days and I always had coloured hair.
Thats the product I used to remove any color I got tired of, EVEN black.

Hair is really tough, I doubt it's gonna fall out.
I'm living proof X:

Quote from: Joeyboo~ :3 on September 16, 2011, 10:20:40 PM
Have you ever used a product called Color Oops?
It IS  bleach(which I know you wanna stay away from), but a really good one.
I've had my scene kid days and I always had coloured hair.
Thats the product I used to remove any color I got tired of, EVEN black.

Hair is really tough, I doubt it's gonna fall out.
I'm living proof X:

I have tried it D: i'm thinking of it as an option, but i'm nervous and feel like if i can pull my head out of the gutter i'll goto a salon instead.
I just feel too embarrassed at the moment to do that.. it's pretty screwed up though.. I'd show you but at the same time id rather not reveal a picture of myself at the moment.

Quote from: Torn1990 on September 16, 2011, 10:28:25 PM
I have tried it D: i'm thinking of it as an option, but i'm nervous and feel like if i can pull my head out of the gutter i'll goto a salon instead.
I just feel too embarrassed at the moment to do that.. it's pretty screwed up though.. I'd show you but at the same time id rather not reveal a picture of myself at the moment.

You can try!
Seriously, I changed my hair colour like it was nail polish.


And if it does look bad, you can always trim it slowly at a time until it grows out.
Hair grows back, whether you have dysphoria about it or not!
(:

Quote from: Joeyboo~ :3 on September 16, 2011, 10:31:01 PM
You can try!
Seriously, I changed my hair colour like it was nail polish.


And if it does look bad, you can always trim it slowly at a time until it grows out.
Hair grows back, whether you have dysphoria about it or not!
(:

I know.. i just exploded emotionally because this dark hair makes me look like such a boy. I just feel so crappy. I literally had this thought in my mind that id be able to physically detransition and go looking for jobs in some kind of boy mode but since i've gone through my spiritual transition and physical (so far) transition, de transition in any form numbs me completely into sadness.  before i started to talk to anyone here i could barely move. i know it will happen again when i look in the mirror...
anyway, i appreciate it. Like nail polish? maybe ill  give it a try so i dont have to go in a salon..

Stay strong, sister. *hugs*

I've been going through tough times too, but there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. You're still young, and even if you can afford the transition that you want to make at the moment, you'll find a way eventually. Stay optimistic.

Here for you. 

On a positive note:  YOU really sound like a woman having a bad hair day...... Welcome to the club!





Remember:
Stomach in... Chest out .... Chin up ...