I've been lurking here for quite some time now - longer than I care to admit - but finally worked up the nerve to join.
This has turned out to be a rather long post, so here are two versions.
The short version:
I'm male assigned at birth, who was also born with Neurofibromatosis (NF) causing the my right eye and the right side of my face to be deformed.
I identify as androgyne in the sense that I see myself as being dualistic in nature. I have properties of both, but yet I'm something different altogether. Very much like the wave-particle nature of a photon.
The long version:
Having been born with NF (inherited from my mother), there was no escaping the fact that I was physically different from other people. NF is a condition that causes neurofibromas (tumors) to grow pretty much anywhere in and on the body as well as causing pigmented spots (called cafe au lait spots) to appear on the skin. One of these tumors happened to develop behind my right eye, causing moderate disfigurement to the right side of my face. As I've grown older, more smaller tumors have appeared on my skin and I know that more are to follow.
Second to that I came to realize that despite being physically male, I apparently wasn't like other boys. I found myself drawn feminine things and behavior, but knowing that "boys didn't do things like that" I just suppressed it and kept quiet. After being told time and time again that my appearance didn't matter and that "it's what inside that counts", I didn't want people to see that I was just as "wrong" on the inside as well.
Apparently, suppressing my feminine side wasn't enough, because throughout elementary and jr high school I was relentlessly bullied verbally (thankfully not physically) due to my lack of masculinity (true to what I was told, my appearance rarely seemed to matter). By the time I entered high school, I had absolutely no self esteem and fell into a deep depression resulting in a suicide attempt.
After six months in a psychiatric ward, and managing to essentially tap dance around this issue in my mind and in therapy (denial is a powerful thing isn't it?), I was released only to fall into habitual pot use to self medicate.
I had realized that something needed to be addressed when I found a part of me wanting to be some of the women I was attracted to as opposed to being with them. It was then that I first started to research transsexualism, but decided that the idea of transition was too much to bear, so I continued to self medicate and ignore the issue.
The problem for me is that pot only postpone the inevitable and eventually stopped working for me at all. I was no longer able to ignore this and realized that I needed to have a clear head to figure things out. As it no longer helped (and often made things worse) I simply stopped smoking up.
Faced with having to figure out what I needed to do, I began researching again. I came across the COGIATI test online. I knew at the time it wasn't even worth the bandwidth to download the web page in terms of actually diagnosing me. I was desperate for any answer I could get so I took it anyway. I scored as androgyne (or third gender, or however they put it)
This didn't sit well with me. After all, how could I be something I never heard of? I had several bouts of going back and forth wondering if I was either a transexual in denial, or a cissexual in denial. This built up until January of last year when I was suddenly hit with an anxiety attack that lasted several days and was driving me once again to the brink of suicide.
I sought out a therapist experienced in gender issues, and discussed the possibility of transition. This drove the anxiety through the roof as it seemed so wrong.
It wasn't the idea of learning how to be a woman, I consider myself reasonably intelligent and capable of learning anything when motivated.
It wasn't only the idea of losing my friends, the ones I'm close to and care about are understanding people. It wasn't the idea of being disowned, my father passed away and I had told my mother what was going on. While shocked and confused, she was supportive, or at least trying her best to.
It wasn't the idea of stares and ridicule. While I know it would be of a different nature, I had my experience of living with NF to fall back on (although the thought of possible violence and discrimination was on my mind).
It wasn't the idea of surgery. I've had 7 surgeries (all but 2 related to NF). While surgery (or at least recovery) sucks, that would at least be familiar territory as well.
What it boiled down to is that no matter what I did, no matter how well I passed, I would never be a woman in my mind.
That said, I know that I'll never identify as a man either. I see myself as being dualistic in nature. I have properties of both, but yet I'm something different altogether. Very much like the wave-particle nature of a photon.
